There's this trend where they dump their trauma in a twitter thread.
Well, since I can't join the trend on twitter due to my private account, so I'll be writing here instead.
Okay, here I go.
Hi, everyone, I'm Spring, as in the season spring, yes, and I've put on a strong mask all my life that not one person knows how miserable I am inside 😘 I can't put the mask away because I'm fragile, small, and insignificant. I can cry whenever I think about my family issues, but I won't cry in front of people. I have to take care of a lot of people and things, yet no one takes care of me. And I'm about to be a doctor, and that's a whole looooot more responsibilities, and still, no one takes care of me.
I bring Super Ring because its pronunciation is kinda similar to spring, and because I love Super Ring my whole life!
But I hope that one day, I'll get over this trauma and find some peace within myself.
I hope this happens soon.
And maybe, just maybe, I want to be a psychiatrist to cure my trauma, to help me resolve all these issues within myself.
A letter to my future self, if you're reading this in the future:
In case no one tells you today, you matter. You're not insignificant. Your existence means a lot to me. You might not realize this, but you're a nice person. You try to do what's right within your limits, and I'll always be proud of you.
Always.
Forever.
I'm so proud of you.
Even when you feel shitty, even when life is tough, I'll always be proud of you.
You're trying your best, and that's enough.
God sees your efforts. God knows every feeling buried inside your heart. God hears every sigh that escapes your mouth. God knows everything, so leave everything to him.
Come visit this letter again when you feel like you're having a bad day.
And remember, you're doing great, and you'll get through this life well.
Hwaiting!
________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm just wondering, really, why do people give a damn about the way I act?
Why do people care so much about how I bring myself?
Why do people talk about me behind my back and question my friends why do they befriend me?
That's so fucking rude.
Who do you think you are, to question people why do they befriend me?
Who do you think you are to question my strong personality?
What a piece of shit, for real.
Because those who question my personality definitely never try to befriend me or even look from my perspective. And that's a shame for them, honestly.
What a bummer.
You think I'm intimidating, but you go out your ways to question my friends about me lol
Go cry about it tho.
If you think I'm intimidating, that's probably your fault. You probably did something that made me intimidate you.
I'm not intimidating.
I'm just intimidating for a piece of shit like you, who doesn't have the courage to even talk to me, and yet, have the audacity to talk behind my back.
Thank you, by the way. I hope I intimidate you more with my new ws status <3
________________________________________________________________________________________It's probably hormonal.
I'll blame everything on the hormones for whatever I'm feeling nowadays.
But it always feels heavy.
Sometimes it feels hard to breathe.
Sometimes it feels hard to just swallow everything.
These are not somatic symptoms. It's mentally, and it's exhausting.
I'm exhausted, but no one sees how exhausted I am.
All they know is that I'm home and I'm always free and I have to be on service most of the time.
They bring cats home and tell me to take care of them.
They buy fishes and tell me to feed them.
They have kids and tell me to take care of everyone.
If I take care of everything, who takes care of me?
I don't want the "God will take care of you" answer.
I'm having a lump in my throat as I'm writing this. Idky.
It just feels heavy.
I'm done looking for my future someone.
They say "you'll find him someday" and I believe them.
I tried. Istg I tried putting a certain people in my future crush list.
But the funny thing is, those people are somehow my friends' preferences as well. That's just purely funny because I told them about my future crushes. The least they could tell me is that "i think i like this guy" or "this guy is totally my type, can you like someone else?"
But it's okay.
It just shows that we all like good men.
Maybe they'll find the man who will love them first before me. And I'm happy for them.
My time will come soon, insyaAllah.
And if I can't find the person, it's okay. I can buy myself flowers. I can write my name in the sand. Talk to myself for hours. Say things you don't understand. jk jk
Alright, that's it!
See you later!
Thank you for having my back when I have no one to talk to <3
________________________________________________________________________________________This morning, a realization hit me like a rock.
I won't specify, so that future me won't be able to unlock the pain.
If you're reading this, future me, I hope you're doing better now. I hope you find happiness wherever you are. I hope you find joy in little things and live in the moment.
It was a normal feeling back then. I used to feel this three and two years ago. And I hated it to the core. Because it reminded me of all the pain I went through.
Sure, it reminds me that I went through every pain and became who I am today. I got through it. I survived. I was a fighter.
But still, it hurts. It hurts too much my energy for the day is basically vanished.
I managed to lock all the pain away for 2 wonderful years. I got involved in community engagement; I focused on bigger things.
But when the feelings came back earlier today, the wave of sorrow hit me like a shore. Except I wasn't a shore. I was fragile. I was as fragile as a broken shard of glass you could find in any dirty beach.
It's funny, really, how people only see me as the person who has a problem with love.
I wish I could tell them that it's more than that, that it's much deeper than the surface. I wish they would understand without me telling anyone. I wish they could understand my silence.
I came across this video that says an INFJ doesn't tell people their thoughts, that's why no one understands them.
I wish it was simpler than that.
I mean, what's the point of telling someone your darkest thoughts and not getting the replies you desperately need?
Enough with the pain.
I let myself be indulged in all my senses, and now it's time to put a stop to it for now.
I have a bigger issue to solve now - gotta finish my case summary :')
But Sabrina, I just wanna tell you that you're doing great. Even if you don't feel like it, you're doing great. Stop treating yourself like a crap. You're a nice person. You don't deserve crap from yourself. You should be kind to yourself. So that when life is harsh towards you, you still have a home to come back to - you. At least you still have yourself.
I'm rooting for a kinder Sabrina!
May you succeed in everything you do!
Don't forget to be kind and nice to yourself!
And be kind to everyone else as well, okay?
I'm proud of you.
________________________________________________________________________________________I'm back, finally.
I left this place years ago, but I'm here now, because I think this is a nice secret place for me to update about my life.
Ah, I just miss updating here!
I feel like crying T_T
Anyway,
I just read a draft I made in 2017, about medicine.
"Instead of sad, I should be happy that I get to pursue my education in medicine."
I didn't remember why I wrote that because I didn't write anything after the sentence, but the title of the post was "Happy? Sad? Mad?".
But I'm now a 5th year medical student, about to take my studies seriously, and I hope past Aida is proud of me :(
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
