________________________________________________________________________________________

Assalammualaikum.

 I'll be writing here because I need to let this feeling out and move on asap.

I like someone after so long.

It's honestly very scary to write it as it is. I can't believe I'm writing it for real. But that's the truth.

I've been in denial for so long. I've probably liked this person since the second time I met him-- maybe first.

That's crazy, I know.

It's not love at first sight.

I didn't like him a bit at first sight. I even ws Atifah and said things like "I don't like him, I wish I have patients coming over so that I can clerk them instead of being stuck with this guy." But surprise surprise, I approached him in the pantry and we talked. I initiated the conversation with him.

ME!

I INITIATED THE CONVERSATION!

WHICH WAS CRAZY AS HELL!

He ate really fast and I forced myself to drink the nescafe real fast bcs I wanted to pray first (but somehow I did a U-turn and decided to drink my coffee with him in the pantry alone) (I was probably possessed at that time, idk, that made no sense to me now)

And we talked and crazy enough, our conversation was seamless. It was not forced, it flowed amazingly, and he even came back to talk to me again after exiting the pantry for a minute after he finished eating.

And then someone came and they talked and I excused myself. 

And on the same day, I talked about this one person, and he tried REAAAALLYY hard to understand the story and I made him promise to not tell anyone and he pinky promised me. He even said things like, "kita dah besar, tak mainlah nak cerita cerita ni."

He's always like that, but knowing human being, people love to talk.

One thing I like about him is that he's rational.

He's matured. He's rational. He's everything a woman needs, like an anchor to the ship.

But sometimes he's annoying.

But most of the time, when he's in his serious mood, he's rational.

Going back to the story chronologically, he'd always be like, "kau dapat tak ambil darah? Kau dah pandai ke ambil darah? Lama lama kau kat sini, takkan tak pandai ambil darah lagi."

HE ALWAYS PRESSURED ME TO TAKE BLOODS AND THAT WAS ANNOYING AS HELL!

The very next day, I managed to insert a functioning branula on pts with very low pain tolerance.

Fast forward to my first day in ward. And he was there, and he was like, "Kau first day ward ke? Habislah kau." And then an hour later, he'd be like, "Kau dah pandai belum ambil darah?" And I be like, "Heh, awak takde je kat low risk tu, saya boleh tau insert branula kat pt yang ada low pain tolerance." And he was like, "Okay baguslah."

Then, in the evening the very same day, he said to me at the counter, "Kau first day ward kan, habislah kau," with the hand gesture over the neck. I smiled while glaring at him and he was like, "Sar***, tengok ni, dia ni tak habis habis marah."

LAH, KAU YANG BUAT AKU ANNOYED, LOGICLAH AKU MARAH?

PUKUL KANG.

And the next few days, he pressured me to enter MOT. The thing is, honestly, I didn't wanna enter the OT with him. I didn't want him to see me in the most vulnerable state. He brought Faten instead, and I felt so bad that I wanted to cry the whole day.

I was also a little jealous, lol, stupid me when I was the one who refused to enter the MOT with him.

I cried in the car afterwards due to exhaustion and mostly because I felt bad for not being able to enter MOT.

Fast forward to the next week, when it was my turn to tag MOT, I asked him about the MOT elective cser schedule and he was like, "MANA BOLEH TAK KELUAR LAGI? KAU TENGOK BALIK." Istg I wanted to cry at that time, but instead, I went to Jae and Tasha and ranted to them.

I ended up crying later at night before I slept. I was so affected by his words. 

It was not logical for me to cry. Not rational at all. I've been through a lot worse, yet I cried because of that?

But I was just too soft-hearted for him. And him only. And it's stupidly annoying.

Fast forward to the next few days, he was in GO, and he was sitting at the nurse table at the back (his usual spot). I was there to take a bht and do full clerking, and the SN told him about how I was being babbled about not completing the full clerking for gynae patients.

And he laughed. Kuajar.

"Kenapa kau kena bebel weh? Hahahahaha."

"Tu lah, dua kali saya kena bebel. Satu sebab postnatal pt svd takde orang rv dia for 24H, lepastu sebab takde orang buat full clerking. Semalam kena marah dengan Dr G sebab tak tahu kes hm dahlah saya postcall semalam."

And he laughed again. "Kesian kau."

Whenever I see the schedules, I always look forward to the days where I can work with him-- except that I can barely work the same timing as him. It's kinda sad. And by sad, I mean it's kinda sad to see me looking forward to working with a guy. It's a bit pathetic.

He's always somewhere else, and I can only get glimpses of him sometimes. He always sits at the nurse table at the back and I have no reason to go there. He does his work alone and then he disappears to the other ward bcs he's in GO.

And the day finally came -- my first oncall with him. Well, apparently, it was my first and last oncall with him :( He's gonna leave the dept soon. Anyway, the day came and it was amazing. He was amazing. The night wasn't amazing tho, too many issues, too many patients missed for postnatal reviews and discharges because we both missed the back cubicle, and I was left alone during subuh bcs he was dragged to the red zone. The shift wasn't nice. We had to go back at 3.30 pm. It wasn't a nice experience at all, and normally, I would cry. But I didn't, because he was amazing and he kept me sane.

Here's the story:

He had to assist an EMLSCS until 10-ish pm, and I was left alone to cover 2 new patients before sp came for the night round. When he came back, I told him I was scared bcs the sp oncall was Dr Y. And he was like, "Alaa, kau chill je lah. Kau takut dia ke?" And I was like, "Ye lah, saya PTSD dengan dia. Saya pernah kena marah dengan dia." And he was like, "Takpe, kau relax je. Okay je."

I was anxious for the whole 30 mins - 1 hour and the round with Dr Y actually went well. And when it ended, he was like, "See? Okay je kan."

Then we did our work and while doing the postnatal reviews and discharges, we talked most of the time. He initiated the conversation first, but then the conversation flowed really well. We only stopped talking whenever we had to VE patients / there was a new case to attend / VE patients again. I also asked him questions, but I forgot what I asked. I only remembered him being a middle child out of 5 siblings, he loved going to places (went to Kelantan for matric, Russia for uni, Kuantan for work, and he's aiming for Sabah / Sarawak for MO). Honestly, after hearing that, I wanted to stop liking him alrd. I just knew he's not the one for me but feelings couldn't be forced, y'know. But throughout our conservation, masa awal awal tu, he was like, "Kau cakap ni, tangan kau jalan tak?" And I like HELLO, THE AUDACITY TO ASK ME THAT?! "Hey, saya multitasker tau. Perempuan kan memang a good multitasker. Lelaki tu yang tak reti multitask." And he was like, "okay okay." And true enough, lepastu, sebenarnya when he was talking abt smth, he turned his face to see me, and his hand didn't move! But I didn't point it out bcs I wanted to listen to him talking. And for the record, it was the first time I didn't even listen to any music during oncall even when I was stupidly sleepy that night bcs I didn't sleep the evening due to the PMR.

I even told him that I was scared of him the first time I saw him. And I told him about how I almost teared up when he said about the MOT schedule and he was like ??? "tu marah ke? mana ada aku marah kau." And I was like, "Nooo, awak marah saya. Saya nak nangis masatu. Saya dahlah dah nauseous pagi tu, tak suka MOT, pastu awak marah saya pulak."

Basically, we got to the topic bcs masa tu JM cakap muka dia stress sangat. "Cuba senyum sikit." And he freaking faked a smile and said, "ye kak, ada apa?" HAHAHAHA and when they left, I told him about me being scared of him.

And there was a scene where a JM asked me, "dr duduk atas kerusi ke? Kenapa dr nampak pendek?" And she was comparing me to him! LAHHHH!!! And he laughed! And I was like, "Kak, bukan saya yang pendek, tapi Dr ni yang tinggi, kak!" And true enough, he was 176 cm. (But the next next day, Izzat said he's 176 cm and he said it wasn't possible that the man is 176 cm bcs he said the man is taller than him). And then he was like, "eh haritu kau fundal baby 5kg kan? Aku nampak kat notes." And I was like, "YAAAAAA! TINGGI GILA PERUT DIA TAU! SAYA STRUGGLE GILA WAKTU TU!" And he was like, "Pastu kau panjat pt ke hahahaha" kuajar lelaki ni, aku pukul kang.

He was very encouraging, and that was one of the reasons why I liked him. Whenever I couldn't get the right opening for VE, he'd say things like, "Lah, kau sedih ke VE tak betul? Kau try je lah lagi." And he'd offer me to VE first whenever there was an acute complain. "Kau nak VE dulu tak? Sini."

I know, that was the bare minimum. I was just down soooo bad for him.

And he was the one who clerked the new gynae patient first. LIKE WHAAAAT?! NO ONE HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE. I was so touched bcs for once, I didn't have to clerk new patients.

And he settled the bcm while I focused on bishop reviews and postnatal reviews. When he was done with bcm, he was like, "weh kau tidur ke?" bcs I put my head on the counter while writing, and I was like, "Noo, I'm doing the reviews," and he was like, "Kalau kau nak tidur, tidur je lah. Nanti aku settle." And I was like, "Mana boleh, banyak lagi ni T_T"

Fast forward, during the postcall round, I was not feeling well. I felt nauseous and dizzy, and he was like, "Jangan stress sangat muka tu. Kejap lagi kita settle kerja kita." And I was like, "T_T saya pening and nauseous and mengantuk T_T" I was so whiny the whole morning and he didn't push me off. 

After the round, I was kinda scared that maybe he wanted to isolate himself and do the discharges somewhere else (read: the usual nurse table). However, he asked the morning person to move away from the counter and we sat at the front counter and did the discharges. He took all the bhts needed bcs I rly didn't have the energy for anything else. I think he knew. He arranged the bhts and we did the discharges together. He even said, "Takpe, kita balik esok pun takpe. Jangan stress." 

Along the way, I got stressed and wanted to cry whenever people pointed out how stressed out I looked, and I was like, "hngg I wanna cry," and he said, "jangan nangis dulu, buat kerja dulu." Whenever he ticked the joblist, he'd say, "ada harapan kita balik harini. Ada harapan." 

I hate how optimistic he is. I hate how he's more positive than I am, and that makes me like him a lot. A whole lot. That was the last straw for me. I fell for him hard when I noticed this fact. Like, he himself was so stressed out but he was still optimistic and able to calm me down.

That was my third criteria in a guy.

And when the bhts went missing bcs the SNs kept taking them away, he shouted, "Akak, mana BHT?!" His voice was loud and stressed out, and I tegur lah, "Cuba awak cakap elok elok. Suara awak dahlah besar. Logic lah saya takut awak masa awal awal tu." And he said, "Dahtu nak cakap macam mana? Akaaaaak, bht kat manaaaaaaa?" Annoying af and I still like him a lot.

I did complain a lot to him about how the hrlr and low risk postcall people didn't help us, and he said, "Kita dah besar, takpelah." He's so freaking rational and I hate that he's rational and right 😭

But towards the end of our shift, he did say, "Aku rasa nak mencarut dalam group ni. Apa fx group ni kalau tak nak tolong?" And I said, "YAAAAAA! BOLEH PULAK YANG HRLR TU BALIK AWAL?!" 

A total of 23 postnatal patients and 18 discharges :)

We did them together :)

And when we were about to do VE, he collected all the bhts alone and said, "Takpe, aku kutip semua, kau VE je nanti." He called all patients and I did VEs and he wrote everything (with my cop bcs he didn't bring his cop and now my cop is out of ink lol) And when I was all bongkok kat counter tu, he said, tepi sikit. I love how dia menjaga in terms of skinship. I mean, okay lah, we did have a few unintentional skinships throughout the night, but those were minimal. Very minimal. Compared to the other men. Bcs in the morning tu, when he say at the counter, I was in between him and Izzat. And then Faris was in front of him and Farhan was in front of me. I was surrounded by boys, and lemme tell ya, that these people didn't give a damn about skinships at all. 

Not that I care that much, but still, it's nice to meet someone yang menjaga ❤️

That's also one of the reasons why.

The funny thing is, me and atifah did say smth like he's the guy version of me. I never thought I'd like a guy version of me, but, well, to think about it, I am kinda soft-spoken. I am responsible. But nah, im not calm. I'm short-tempered, but I don't lash out. I just make a face and get annoyed. But he's the opposite. Even when he's stressed out sampai kawan tu pergi nyanyi tiba tiba pastu istighfar (so sexy of him), he managed to calm me down.

But he's going away, and I'll have to bury this feeling inside and erase this feeling forever.

I managed to experience this feeling for a total of 1 week before he finally moves onto the next dept, and it's okay :)

I'll find my jodoh later. No worries.

And I hope he's nice.

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 There's this trend where they dump their trauma in a twitter thread.

Well, since I can't join the trend on twitter due to my private account, so I'll be writing here instead.

Okay, here I go.

Hi, everyone, I'm Spring, as in the season spring, yes, and I've put on a strong mask all my life that not one person knows how miserable I am inside 😘 I can't put the mask away because I'm fragile, small, and insignificant. I can cry whenever I think about my family issues, but I won't cry in front of people. I have to take care of a lot of people and things, yet no one takes care of me. And I'm about to be a doctor, and that's a whole looooot more responsibilities, and still, no one takes care of me. 

I bring Super Ring because its pronunciation is kinda similar to spring, and because I love Super Ring my whole life!

But I hope that one day, I'll get over this trauma and find some peace within myself.

I hope this happens soon.

And maybe, just maybe, I want to be a psychiatrist to cure my trauma, to help me resolve all these issues within myself.

A letter to my future self, if you're reading this in the future:

In case no one tells you today, you matter. You're not insignificant. Your existence means a lot to me. You might not realize this, but you're a nice person. You try to do what's right within your limits, and I'll always be proud of you.

Always.

Forever.

I'm so proud of you. 

Even when you feel shitty, even when life is tough, I'll always be proud of you.

You're trying your best, and that's enough. 

God sees your efforts. God knows every feeling buried inside your heart. God hears every sigh that escapes your mouth. God knows everything, so leave everything to him.

Come visit this letter again when you feel like you're having a bad day.

And remember, you're doing great, and you'll get through this life well. 

Hwaiting!

________________________________________________________________________________________ Assalamualaikum. 

Labels: Hajj 2024, travelog

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 I'm just wondering, really, why do people give a damn about the way I act?

Why do people care so much about how I bring myself?

Why do people talk about me behind my back and question my friends why do they befriend me?

That's so fucking rude.

Who do you think you are, to question people why do they befriend me?

Who do you think you are to question my strong personality?

What a piece of shit, for real.

Because those who question my personality definitely never try to befriend me or even look from my perspective. And that's a shame for them, honestly.

What a bummer.

You think I'm intimidating, but you go out your ways to question my friends about me lol

Go cry about it tho. 

If you think I'm intimidating, that's probably your fault. You probably did something that made me intimidate you.

I'm not intimidating. 

I'm just intimidating for a piece of shit like you, who doesn't have the courage to even talk to me, and yet, have the audacity to talk behind my back.

Thank you, by the way. I hope I intimidate you more with my new ws status <3

________________________________________________________________________________________

 It's probably hormonal.

I'll blame everything on the hormones for whatever I'm feeling nowadays.

But it always feels heavy.

Sometimes it feels hard to breathe.

Sometimes it feels hard to just swallow everything.

These are not somatic symptoms. It's mentally, and it's exhausting.

I'm exhausted, but no one sees how exhausted I am.

All they know is that I'm home and I'm always free and I have to be on service most of the time.

They bring cats home and tell me to take care of them.

They buy fishes and tell me to feed them.

They have kids and tell me to take care of everyone.

If I take care of everything, who takes care of me?

I don't want the "God will take care of you" answer. 

I'm having a lump in my throat as I'm writing this. Idky. 

It just feels heavy.

________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm done looking for my future someone.

They say "you'll find him someday" and I believe them.

I tried. Istg I tried putting a certain people in my future crush list.

But the funny thing is, those people are somehow my friends' preferences as well. That's just purely funny because I told them about my future crushes. The least they could tell me is that "i think i like this guy" or "this guy is totally my type, can you like someone else?"

But it's okay.

It just shows that we all like good men.

Maybe they'll find the man who will love them first before me. And I'm happy for them.

My time will come soon, insyaAllah.

And if I can't find the person, it's okay. I can buy myself flowers. I can write my name in the sand. Talk to myself for hours. Say things you don't understand. jk jk

Alright, that's it!

See you later!

Thank you for having my back when I have no one to talk to <3

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This morning, a realization hit me like a rock.

I won't specify, so that future me won't be able to unlock the pain.

If you're reading this, future me, I hope you're doing better now. I hope you find happiness wherever you are. I hope you find joy in little things and live in the moment.

It was a normal feeling back then. I used to feel this three and two years ago. And I hated it to the core. Because it reminded me of all the pain I went through. 

Sure, it reminds me that I went through every pain and became who I am today. I got through it. I survived. I was a fighter.

But still, it hurts. It hurts too much my energy for the day is basically vanished.

I managed to lock all the pain away for 2 wonderful years. I got involved in community engagement; I focused on bigger things.

But when the feelings came back earlier today, the wave of sorrow hit me like a shore. Except I wasn't a shore. I was fragile. I was as fragile as a broken shard of glass you could find in any dirty beach.

It's funny, really, how people only see me as the person who has a problem with love.

I wish I could tell them that it's more than that, that it's much deeper than the surface. I wish they would understand without me telling anyone. I wish they could understand my silence.

I came across this video that says an INFJ doesn't tell people their thoughts, that's why no one understands them.

I wish it was simpler than that.

I mean, what's the point of telling someone your darkest thoughts and not getting the replies you desperately need?

Enough with the pain.

I let myself be indulged in all my senses, and now it's time to put a stop to it for now.

I have a bigger issue to solve now - gotta finish my case summary :')

But Sabrina, I just wanna tell you that you're doing great. Even if you don't feel like it, you're doing great. Stop treating yourself like a crap. You're a nice person. You don't deserve crap from yourself. You should be kind to yourself. So that when life is harsh towards you, you still have a home to come back to - you. At least you still have yourself.

I'm rooting for a kinder Sabrina!

May you succeed in everything you do!

Don't forget to be kind and nice to yourself!

And be kind to everyone else as well, okay?

I'm proud of you.

PAST ♥

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Mine ;
Name : A!da $abr!na
Nicknames : A!da/$abr!na/Angel/BDA/Blue Diamond Angel/Alien/Dodo/Clown/Aidada/Chanyeol's Wifey
Korean name : Park Angelina
Birthday : 14th May 1999
State : EXO Planet, Earth, Saturn
Status : Officially taken by Chanyeol

Likes ;
☆ Kpop
☆ Chanyeol
☆ Blogging
☆ McFlurry Oreo
☆ Geronimo Stilton
☆ Fanfics
☆ Rapping

Hates ;
☆ Anons
☆ Copypasters
☆ Kpop haters
☆ Haters
☆ Annoying person
☆ Liars

Facts ;
◕‿◕ Currently studying in SMART
◕‿◕ I express my feelings through fictions
◕‿◕ Sometimes I think I'm good in writing and sometimes I think I'm not
◕‿◕ Deep inside me, I want to write an English novel on my own
◕‿◕ Creating posters is one of my hobbies actually
◕‿◕ Love to read English novels but never really finish reading every word in them
◕‿◕ I can get so touched when I read sad fictions
◕‿◕ I love to collect quotes from fictions
◕‿◕ I only read angst fictions- kinda
◕‿◕ Wish I can be fluent in Arabic, English, Korean, Japanese, Mandarin and Urdu ASAP
◕‿◕ I don't really like to do the same thing over and over again. Get sick of it seriously
◕‿◕ I have flaws but I'm thankful for that
◕‿◕ I want someone who doesn't care about me embarrassing myself. Example: If I accidentally make fun of myself, then he would laugh and then he would say things like "haha you're so embarrassing but who cares? My love for you won't ever change." Cheesy enough heh?
◕‿◕ And I want that someone to love me for being random. Example: When I write about random things out of the topic we're talking about, he would be saying things like, oh you're so random, why do I like you in the first place and such. Too cheesy I kennot
◕‿◕ Sometimes I talk too much
◕‿◕ I am so not romantic but I love romantic things but I'm so geli with all those romance thingy

"Capture well the moment because it is evanescent."

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Sya-Syahirah | Ana Marlina | Ana Min-Ji | My Lost Star | You're Cold, I like! | Loving You Secretly | Can't You See? | Blue Diamond Angel | Chanyeol's Wifey | ASK BDA

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Stories of De Angel

I express my feelings by writing stories.

Synopsis !

Prologue !

Chapter 1 !

Chapter 2 !

Coming soon !

______________________________________________________________________________________________

My Asianfanfics Fictions

My Lost Star !

Can't You See? !

Coming soon !

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Recommended Fanfics

My Crazy Hot Aliens !

My Crazy Hot Aliens II: The Invasion !

My Arranged Marriage with EXO-K's Sehun !

A Taste Of Your Own Medicine !

Murder In The Dark !

Yellow Dahlias !

Love Letters !

Coming Soon !

Unrequited Crush in a While

Tuesday, November 5, 2024 | 11:43 PM | 0 comments

Assalammualaikum.

 I'll be writing here because I need to let this feeling out and move on asap.

I like someone after so long.

It's honestly very scary to write it as it is. I can't believe I'm writing it for real. But that's the truth.

I've been in denial for so long. I've probably liked this person since the second time I met him-- maybe first.

That's crazy, I know.

It's not love at first sight.

I didn't like him a bit at first sight. I even ws Atifah and said things like "I don't like him, I wish I have patients coming over so that I can clerk them instead of being stuck with this guy." But surprise surprise, I approached him in the pantry and we talked. I initiated the conversation with him.

ME!

I INITIATED THE CONVERSATION!

WHICH WAS CRAZY AS HELL!

He ate really fast and I forced myself to drink the nescafe real fast bcs I wanted to pray first (but somehow I did a U-turn and decided to drink my coffee with him in the pantry alone) (I was probably possessed at that time, idk, that made no sense to me now)

And we talked and crazy enough, our conversation was seamless. It was not forced, it flowed amazingly, and he even came back to talk to me again after exiting the pantry for a minute after he finished eating.

And then someone came and they talked and I excused myself. 

And on the same day, I talked about this one person, and he tried REAAAALLYY hard to understand the story and I made him promise to not tell anyone and he pinky promised me. He even said things like, "kita dah besar, tak mainlah nak cerita cerita ni."

He's always like that, but knowing human being, people love to talk.

One thing I like about him is that he's rational.

He's matured. He's rational. He's everything a woman needs, like an anchor to the ship.

But sometimes he's annoying.

But most of the time, when he's in his serious mood, he's rational.

Going back to the story chronologically, he'd always be like, "kau dapat tak ambil darah? Kau dah pandai ke ambil darah? Lama lama kau kat sini, takkan tak pandai ambil darah lagi."

HE ALWAYS PRESSURED ME TO TAKE BLOODS AND THAT WAS ANNOYING AS HELL!

The very next day, I managed to insert a functioning branula on pts with very low pain tolerance.

Fast forward to my first day in ward. And he was there, and he was like, "Kau first day ward ke? Habislah kau." And then an hour later, he'd be like, "Kau dah pandai belum ambil darah?" And I be like, "Heh, awak takde je kat low risk tu, saya boleh tau insert branula kat pt yang ada low pain tolerance." And he was like, "Okay baguslah."

Then, in the evening the very same day, he said to me at the counter, "Kau first day ward kan, habislah kau," with the hand gesture over the neck. I smiled while glaring at him and he was like, "Sar***, tengok ni, dia ni tak habis habis marah."

LAH, KAU YANG BUAT AKU ANNOYED, LOGICLAH AKU MARAH?

PUKUL KANG.

And the next few days, he pressured me to enter MOT. The thing is, honestly, I didn't wanna enter the OT with him. I didn't want him to see me in the most vulnerable state. He brought Faten instead, and I felt so bad that I wanted to cry the whole day.

I was also a little jealous, lol, stupid me when I was the one who refused to enter the MOT with him.

I cried in the car afterwards due to exhaustion and mostly because I felt bad for not being able to enter MOT.

Fast forward to the next week, when it was my turn to tag MOT, I asked him about the MOT elective cser schedule and he was like, "MANA BOLEH TAK KELUAR LAGI? KAU TENGOK BALIK." Istg I wanted to cry at that time, but instead, I went to Jae and Tasha and ranted to them.

I ended up crying later at night before I slept. I was so affected by his words. 

It was not logical for me to cry. Not rational at all. I've been through a lot worse, yet I cried because of that?

But I was just too soft-hearted for him. And him only. And it's stupidly annoying.

Fast forward to the next few days, he was in GO, and he was sitting at the nurse table at the back (his usual spot). I was there to take a bht and do full clerking, and the SN told him about how I was being babbled about not completing the full clerking for gynae patients.

And he laughed. Kuajar.

"Kenapa kau kena bebel weh? Hahahahaha."

"Tu lah, dua kali saya kena bebel. Satu sebab postnatal pt svd takde orang rv dia for 24H, lepastu sebab takde orang buat full clerking. Semalam kena marah dengan Dr G sebab tak tahu kes hm dahlah saya postcall semalam."

And he laughed again. "Kesian kau."

Whenever I see the schedules, I always look forward to the days where I can work with him-- except that I can barely work the same timing as him. It's kinda sad. And by sad, I mean it's kinda sad to see me looking forward to working with a guy. It's a bit pathetic.

He's always somewhere else, and I can only get glimpses of him sometimes. He always sits at the nurse table at the back and I have no reason to go there. He does his work alone and then he disappears to the other ward bcs he's in GO.

And the day finally came -- my first oncall with him. Well, apparently, it was my first and last oncall with him :( He's gonna leave the dept soon. Anyway, the day came and it was amazing. He was amazing. The night wasn't amazing tho, too many issues, too many patients missed for postnatal reviews and discharges because we both missed the back cubicle, and I was left alone during subuh bcs he was dragged to the red zone. The shift wasn't nice. We had to go back at 3.30 pm. It wasn't a nice experience at all, and normally, I would cry. But I didn't, because he was amazing and he kept me sane.

Here's the story:

He had to assist an EMLSCS until 10-ish pm, and I was left alone to cover 2 new patients before sp came for the night round. When he came back, I told him I was scared bcs the sp oncall was Dr Y. And he was like, "Alaa, kau chill je lah. Kau takut dia ke?" And I was like, "Ye lah, saya PTSD dengan dia. Saya pernah kena marah dengan dia." And he was like, "Takpe, kau relax je. Okay je."

I was anxious for the whole 30 mins - 1 hour and the round with Dr Y actually went well. And when it ended, he was like, "See? Okay je kan."

Then we did our work and while doing the postnatal reviews and discharges, we talked most of the time. He initiated the conversation first, but then the conversation flowed really well. We only stopped talking whenever we had to VE patients / there was a new case to attend / VE patients again. I also asked him questions, but I forgot what I asked. I only remembered him being a middle child out of 5 siblings, he loved going to places (went to Kelantan for matric, Russia for uni, Kuantan for work, and he's aiming for Sabah / Sarawak for MO). Honestly, after hearing that, I wanted to stop liking him alrd. I just knew he's not the one for me but feelings couldn't be forced, y'know. But throughout our conservation, masa awal awal tu, he was like, "Kau cakap ni, tangan kau jalan tak?" And I like HELLO, THE AUDACITY TO ASK ME THAT?! "Hey, saya multitasker tau. Perempuan kan memang a good multitasker. Lelaki tu yang tak reti multitask." And he was like, "okay okay." And true enough, lepastu, sebenarnya when he was talking abt smth, he turned his face to see me, and his hand didn't move! But I didn't point it out bcs I wanted to listen to him talking. And for the record, it was the first time I didn't even listen to any music during oncall even when I was stupidly sleepy that night bcs I didn't sleep the evening due to the PMR.

I even told him that I was scared of him the first time I saw him. And I told him about how I almost teared up when he said about the MOT schedule and he was like ??? "tu marah ke? mana ada aku marah kau." And I was like, "Nooo, awak marah saya. Saya nak nangis masatu. Saya dahlah dah nauseous pagi tu, tak suka MOT, pastu awak marah saya pulak."

Basically, we got to the topic bcs masa tu JM cakap muka dia stress sangat. "Cuba senyum sikit." And he freaking faked a smile and said, "ye kak, ada apa?" HAHAHAHA and when they left, I told him about me being scared of him.

And there was a scene where a JM asked me, "dr duduk atas kerusi ke? Kenapa dr nampak pendek?" And she was comparing me to him! LAHHHH!!! And he laughed! And I was like, "Kak, bukan saya yang pendek, tapi Dr ni yang tinggi, kak!" And true enough, he was 176 cm. (But the next next day, Izzat said he's 176 cm and he said it wasn't possible that the man is 176 cm bcs he said the man is taller than him). And then he was like, "eh haritu kau fundal baby 5kg kan? Aku nampak kat notes." And I was like, "YAAAAAA! TINGGI GILA PERUT DIA TAU! SAYA STRUGGLE GILA WAKTU TU!" And he was like, "Pastu kau panjat pt ke hahahaha" kuajar lelaki ni, aku pukul kang.

He was very encouraging, and that was one of the reasons why I liked him. Whenever I couldn't get the right opening for VE, he'd say things like, "Lah, kau sedih ke VE tak betul? Kau try je lah lagi." And he'd offer me to VE first whenever there was an acute complain. "Kau nak VE dulu tak? Sini."

I know, that was the bare minimum. I was just down soooo bad for him.

And he was the one who clerked the new gynae patient first. LIKE WHAAAAT?! NO ONE HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE. I was so touched bcs for once, I didn't have to clerk new patients.

And he settled the bcm while I focused on bishop reviews and postnatal reviews. When he was done with bcm, he was like, "weh kau tidur ke?" bcs I put my head on the counter while writing, and I was like, "Noo, I'm doing the reviews," and he was like, "Kalau kau nak tidur, tidur je lah. Nanti aku settle." And I was like, "Mana boleh, banyak lagi ni T_T"

Fast forward, during the postcall round, I was not feeling well. I felt nauseous and dizzy, and he was like, "Jangan stress sangat muka tu. Kejap lagi kita settle kerja kita." And I was like, "T_T saya pening and nauseous and mengantuk T_T" I was so whiny the whole morning and he didn't push me off. 

After the round, I was kinda scared that maybe he wanted to isolate himself and do the discharges somewhere else (read: the usual nurse table). However, he asked the morning person to move away from the counter and we sat at the front counter and did the discharges. He took all the bhts needed bcs I rly didn't have the energy for anything else. I think he knew. He arranged the bhts and we did the discharges together. He even said, "Takpe, kita balik esok pun takpe. Jangan stress." 

Along the way, I got stressed and wanted to cry whenever people pointed out how stressed out I looked, and I was like, "hngg I wanna cry," and he said, "jangan nangis dulu, buat kerja dulu." Whenever he ticked the joblist, he'd say, "ada harapan kita balik harini. Ada harapan." 

I hate how optimistic he is. I hate how he's more positive than I am, and that makes me like him a lot. A whole lot. That was the last straw for me. I fell for him hard when I noticed this fact. Like, he himself was so stressed out but he was still optimistic and able to calm me down.

That was my third criteria in a guy.

And when the bhts went missing bcs the SNs kept taking them away, he shouted, "Akak, mana BHT?!" His voice was loud and stressed out, and I tegur lah, "Cuba awak cakap elok elok. Suara awak dahlah besar. Logic lah saya takut awak masa awal awal tu." And he said, "Dahtu nak cakap macam mana? Akaaaaak, bht kat manaaaaaaa?" Annoying af and I still like him a lot.

I did complain a lot to him about how the hrlr and low risk postcall people didn't help us, and he said, "Kita dah besar, takpelah." He's so freaking rational and I hate that he's rational and right 😭

But towards the end of our shift, he did say, "Aku rasa nak mencarut dalam group ni. Apa fx group ni kalau tak nak tolong?" And I said, "YAAAAAA! BOLEH PULAK YANG HRLR TU BALIK AWAL?!" 

A total of 23 postnatal patients and 18 discharges :)

We did them together :)

And when we were about to do VE, he collected all the bhts alone and said, "Takpe, aku kutip semua, kau VE je nanti." He called all patients and I did VEs and he wrote everything (with my cop bcs he didn't bring his cop and now my cop is out of ink lol) And when I was all bongkok kat counter tu, he said, tepi sikit. I love how dia menjaga in terms of skinship. I mean, okay lah, we did have a few unintentional skinships throughout the night, but those were minimal. Very minimal. Compared to the other men. Bcs in the morning tu, when he say at the counter, I was in between him and Izzat. And then Faris was in front of him and Farhan was in front of me. I was surrounded by boys, and lemme tell ya, that these people didn't give a damn about skinships at all. 

Not that I care that much, but still, it's nice to meet someone yang menjaga ❤️

That's also one of the reasons why.

The funny thing is, me and atifah did say smth like he's the guy version of me. I never thought I'd like a guy version of me, but, well, to think about it, I am kinda soft-spoken. I am responsible. But nah, im not calm. I'm short-tempered, but I don't lash out. I just make a face and get annoyed. But he's the opposite. Even when he's stressed out sampai kawan tu pergi nyanyi tiba tiba pastu istighfar (so sexy of him), he managed to calm me down.

But he's going away, and I'll have to bury this feeling inside and erase this feeling forever.

I managed to experience this feeling for a total of 1 week before he finally moves onto the next dept, and it's okay :)

I'll find my jodoh later. No worries.

And I hope he's nice.

Trauma Dump

Wednesday, August 14, 2024 | 1:17 AM | 0 comments

 There's this trend where they dump their trauma in a twitter thread.

Well, since I can't join the trend on twitter due to my private account, so I'll be writing here instead.

Okay, here I go.

Hi, everyone, I'm Spring, as in the season spring, yes, and I've put on a strong mask all my life that not one person knows how miserable I am inside 😘 I can't put the mask away because I'm fragile, small, and insignificant. I can cry whenever I think about my family issues, but I won't cry in front of people. I have to take care of a lot of people and things, yet no one takes care of me. And I'm about to be a doctor, and that's a whole looooot more responsibilities, and still, no one takes care of me. 

I bring Super Ring because its pronunciation is kinda similar to spring, and because I love Super Ring my whole life!

But I hope that one day, I'll get over this trauma and find some peace within myself.

I hope this happens soon.

And maybe, just maybe, I want to be a psychiatrist to cure my trauma, to help me resolve all these issues within myself.

A letter to my future self, if you're reading this in the future:

In case no one tells you today, you matter. You're not insignificant. Your existence means a lot to me. You might not realize this, but you're a nice person. You try to do what's right within your limits, and I'll always be proud of you.

Always.

Forever.

I'm so proud of you. 

Even when you feel shitty, even when life is tough, I'll always be proud of you.

You're trying your best, and that's enough. 

God sees your efforts. God knows every feeling buried inside your heart. God hears every sigh that escapes your mouth. God knows everything, so leave everything to him.

Come visit this letter again when you feel like you're having a bad day.

And remember, you're doing great, and you'll get through this life well. 

Hwaiting!

Hajj 2024 D1 | First Umrah

Saturday, June 1, 2024 | 7:36 PM | 0 comments

Assalamualaikum. 

Alhamdulillah, I was given the opportunity by God to perform hajj this year. It was a dream come true for me, especially since I have never performed umrah before. 

Honestly, it was a bit nervewrecking. I had a lot of emotions, but because I was a procastinator, the main emotion I felt a few days before the flight was panic bcs I hadn't finished packing yet. 

Only when I was at Movenpick, on 29/5/2024, I felt touched. 

This is it. I'm going to Mecca for real. 

My whole family was there, except Ammar (he's in Gambang bcs it's wednesday)

Long story short, the whole process was easy, alhamdulillah. 

My luggages were almost 1kg above 30kg altogether, I think, but they let them pass. The handcarry wasn't weighted, I think. 

The only problem in the beginning was that my luggages were too big for me, and the big one fell with a loud thump :') but my hands were full so it was hard to pick it up. Thank God there was a TH staff to help pick up my luggage bring them to the queue sobs thank you gurl! 

Tbh the luggage was almost as big as me, 3/4 of my short height, and about 3.2/5 of my weight.  

Skip skip skip, it was kinda hard to sleep in the plane. I was hungry and couldn't sleep. But after the first meal, I became sleepy and finally got to sleep at 4.30 am (msia time)

They gave us so many food on the plane, there wasn't any space to feel hungry at all lol I still have the bun, fruit bread, and roll cake from the flight as of now (1/6/2024)

Got so many goodies from the masyariq team who welcomed us at the hotel. Mine was Abraj Al-Janadiriy, in zon A, TH HQ. It has an ATM (alhamdulillah fr).

My roommates were 24 (husna), 25 (me), 26 (hidayah), 28 (along), 29 (hasanah), 70 (moknik) 😊

Did umrah at 9pm (10 actually).

God really helped me throughout the tawaf and saie. I was separated from my sister during tawaf, but whenever I was pushed by people (men esp), I need could only recite "hasbunallahu wani'wal wakil." God is enough for me. Ya Hafiz, please protect me. 

Standing at 150 cm, I truly surrendered myself to God to help protect me. I was helpless. But God was kind. Allah was sooo kind. He protected me and helped me to finish the tawaf by following an old uncle with a cane, two aunties, then a Malaysian family, then another Malaysian couple. 

After tawaf, I didn't know where to go, so I approach this one kind couple and followed them for solat sunat tawaf and saie. They were so kind. I followed them until the end, and somehow, on their way to the hotel, I realized that we were from different hotels lol 

I approached a TH staff and he guided me to the right way, alhamdulillah. 

Went back to the hotel at 2 am, and subuh was at 4 am.

All in all, for my first umrah experience, it was great! Allah protected me and helped me throughout my journey. 

Keeping it here for future memories. 

Assalamualaikum. 

Labels: Hajj 2024, travelog

Intimidating

Monday, March 11, 2024 | 12:25 AM | 0 comments

 I'm just wondering, really, why do people give a damn about the way I act?

Why do people care so much about how I bring myself?

Why do people talk about me behind my back and question my friends why do they befriend me?

That's so fucking rude.

Who do you think you are, to question people why do they befriend me?

Who do you think you are to question my strong personality?

What a piece of shit, for real.

Because those who question my personality definitely never try to befriend me or even look from my perspective. And that's a shame for them, honestly.

What a bummer.

You think I'm intimidating, but you go out your ways to question my friends about me lol

Go cry about it tho. 

If you think I'm intimidating, that's probably your fault. You probably did something that made me intimidate you.

I'm not intimidating. 

I'm just intimidating for a piece of shit like you, who doesn't have the courage to even talk to me, and yet, have the audacity to talk behind my back.

Thank you, by the way. I hope I intimidate you more with my new ws status <3

Heavy

Wednesday, February 21, 2024 | 7:36 PM | 0 comments

 It's probably hormonal.

I'll blame everything on the hormones for whatever I'm feeling nowadays.

But it always feels heavy.

Sometimes it feels hard to breathe.

Sometimes it feels hard to just swallow everything.

These are not somatic symptoms. It's mentally, and it's exhausting.

I'm exhausted, but no one sees how exhausted I am.

All they know is that I'm home and I'm always free and I have to be on service most of the time.

They bring cats home and tell me to take care of them.

They buy fishes and tell me to feed them.

They have kids and tell me to take care of everyone.

If I take care of everything, who takes care of me?

I don't want the "God will take care of you" answer. 

I'm having a lump in my throat as I'm writing this. Idky. 

It just feels heavy.

Same Preferences

Thursday, February 2, 2023 | 6:57 PM | 0 comments

I'm done looking for my future someone.

They say "you'll find him someday" and I believe them.

I tried. Istg I tried putting a certain people in my future crush list.

But the funny thing is, those people are somehow my friends' preferences as well. That's just purely funny because I told them about my future crushes. The least they could tell me is that "i think i like this guy" or "this guy is totally my type, can you like someone else?"

But it's okay.

It just shows that we all like good men.

Maybe they'll find the man who will love them first before me. And I'm happy for them.

My time will come soon, insyaAllah.

And if I can't find the person, it's okay. I can buy myself flowers. I can write my name in the sand. Talk to myself for hours. Say things you don't understand. jk jk

Alright, that's it!

See you later!

Thank you for having my back when I have no one to talk to <3

Pain From The Past

Saturday, December 10, 2022 | 9:49 AM | 0 comments

This morning, a realization hit me like a rock.

I won't specify, so that future me won't be able to unlock the pain.

If you're reading this, future me, I hope you're doing better now. I hope you find happiness wherever you are. I hope you find joy in little things and live in the moment.

It was a normal feeling back then. I used to feel this three and two years ago. And I hated it to the core. Because it reminded me of all the pain I went through. 

Sure, it reminds me that I went through every pain and became who I am today. I got through it. I survived. I was a fighter.

But still, it hurts. It hurts too much my energy for the day is basically vanished.

I managed to lock all the pain away for 2 wonderful years. I got involved in community engagement; I focused on bigger things.

But when the feelings came back earlier today, the wave of sorrow hit me like a shore. Except I wasn't a shore. I was fragile. I was as fragile as a broken shard of glass you could find in any dirty beach.

It's funny, really, how people only see me as the person who has a problem with love.

I wish I could tell them that it's more than that, that it's much deeper than the surface. I wish they would understand without me telling anyone. I wish they could understand my silence.

I came across this video that says an INFJ doesn't tell people their thoughts, that's why no one understands them.

I wish it was simpler than that.

I mean, what's the point of telling someone your darkest thoughts and not getting the replies you desperately need?

Enough with the pain.

I let myself be indulged in all my senses, and now it's time to put a stop to it for now.

I have a bigger issue to solve now - gotta finish my case summary :')

But Sabrina, I just wanna tell you that you're doing great. Even if you don't feel like it, you're doing great. Stop treating yourself like a crap. You're a nice person. You don't deserve crap from yourself. You should be kind to yourself. So that when life is harsh towards you, you still have a home to come back to - you. At least you still have yourself.

I'm rooting for a kinder Sabrina!

May you succeed in everything you do!

Don't forget to be kind and nice to yourself!

And be kind to everyone else as well, okay?

I'm proud of you.