Assalammualaikum.
I'll be writing here because I need to let this feeling out and move on asap.
I like someone after so long.
It's honestly very scary to write it as it is. I can't believe I'm writing it for real. But that's the truth.
I've been in denial for so long. I've probably liked this person since the second time I met him-- maybe first.
That's crazy, I know.
It's not love at first sight.
I didn't like him a bit at first sight. I even ws Atifah and said things like "I don't like him, I wish I have patients coming over so that I can clerk them instead of being stuck with this guy." But surprise surprise, I approached him in the pantry and we talked. I initiated the conversation with him.
ME!
I INITIATED THE CONVERSATION!
WHICH WAS CRAZY AS HELL!
He ate really fast and I forced myself to drink the nescafe real fast bcs I wanted to pray first (but somehow I did a U-turn and decided to drink my coffee with him in the pantry alone) (I was probably possessed at that time, idk, that made no sense to me now)
And we talked and crazy enough, our conversation was seamless. It was not forced, it flowed amazingly, and he even came back to talk to me again after exiting the pantry for a minute after he finished eating.
And then someone came and they talked and I excused myself.
And on the same day, I talked about this one person, and he tried REAAAALLYY hard to understand the story and I made him promise to not tell anyone and he pinky promised me. He even said things like, "kita dah besar, tak mainlah nak cerita cerita ni."
He's always like that, but knowing human being, people love to talk.
One thing I like about him is that he's rational.
He's matured. He's rational. He's everything a woman needs, like an anchor to the ship.
But sometimes he's annoying.
But most of the time, when he's in his serious mood, he's rational.
Going back to the story chronologically, he'd always be like, "kau dapat tak ambil darah? Kau dah pandai ke ambil darah? Lama lama kau kat sini, takkan tak pandai ambil darah lagi."
HE ALWAYS PRESSURED ME TO TAKE BLOODS AND THAT WAS ANNOYING AS HELL!
The very next day, I managed to insert a functioning branula on pts with very low pain tolerance.
Fast forward to my first day in ward. And he was there, and he was like, "Kau first day ward ke? Habislah kau." And then an hour later, he'd be like, "Kau dah pandai belum ambil darah?" And I be like, "Heh, awak takde je kat low risk tu, saya boleh tau insert branula kat pt yang ada low pain tolerance." And he was like, "Okay baguslah."
Then, in the evening the very same day, he said to me at the counter, "Kau first day ward kan, habislah kau," with the hand gesture over the neck. I smiled while glaring at him and he was like, "Sar***, tengok ni, dia ni tak habis habis marah."
LAH, KAU YANG BUAT AKU ANNOYED, LOGICLAH AKU MARAH?
PUKUL KANG.
And the next few days, he pressured me to enter MOT. The thing is, honestly, I didn't wanna enter the OT with him. I didn't want him to see me in the most vulnerable state. He brought Faten instead, and I felt so bad that I wanted to cry the whole day.
I was also a little jealous, lol, stupid me when I was the one who refused to enter the MOT with him.
I cried in the car afterwards due to exhaustion and mostly because I felt bad for not being able to enter MOT.
Fast forward to the next week, when it was my turn to tag MOT, I asked him about the MOT elective cser schedule and he was like, "MANA BOLEH TAK KELUAR LAGI? KAU TENGOK BALIK." Istg I wanted to cry at that time, but instead, I went to Jae and Tasha and ranted to them.
I ended up crying later at night before I slept. I was so affected by his words.
It was not logical for me to cry. Not rational at all. I've been through a lot worse, yet I cried because of that?
But I was just too soft-hearted for him. And him only. And it's stupidly annoying.
Fast forward to the next few days, he was in GO, and he was sitting at the nurse table at the back (his usual spot). I was there to take a bht and do full clerking, and the SN told him about how I was being babbled about not completing the full clerking for gynae patients.
And he laughed. Kuajar.
"Kenapa kau kena bebel weh? Hahahahaha."
"Tu lah, dua kali saya kena bebel. Satu sebab postnatal pt svd takde orang rv dia for 24H, lepastu sebab takde orang buat full clerking. Semalam kena marah dengan Dr G sebab tak tahu kes hm dahlah saya postcall semalam."
And he laughed again. "Kesian kau."
Whenever I see the schedules, I always look forward to the days where I can work with him-- except that I can barely work the same timing as him. It's kinda sad. And by sad, I mean it's kinda sad to see me looking forward to working with a guy. It's a bit pathetic.
He's always somewhere else, and I can only get glimpses of him sometimes. He always sits at the nurse table at the back and I have no reason to go there. He does his work alone and then he disappears to the other ward bcs he's in GO.
And the day finally came -- my first oncall with him. Well, apparently, it was my first and last oncall with him :( He's gonna leave the dept soon. Anyway, the day came and it was amazing. He was amazing. The night wasn't amazing tho, too many issues, too many patients missed for postnatal reviews and discharges because we both missed the back cubicle, and I was left alone during subuh bcs he was dragged to the red zone. The shift wasn't nice. We had to go back at 3.30 pm. It wasn't a nice experience at all, and normally, I would cry. But I didn't, because he was amazing and he kept me sane.
Here's the story:
He had to assist an EMLSCS until 10-ish pm, and I was left alone to cover 2 new patients before sp came for the night round. When he came back, I told him I was scared bcs the sp oncall was Dr Y. And he was like, "Alaa, kau chill je lah. Kau takut dia ke?" And I was like, "Ye lah, saya PTSD dengan dia. Saya pernah kena marah dengan dia." And he was like, "Takpe, kau relax je. Okay je."
I was anxious for the whole 30 mins - 1 hour and the round with Dr Y actually went well. And when it ended, he was like, "See? Okay je kan."
Then we did our work and while doing the postnatal reviews and discharges, we talked most of the time. He initiated the conversation first, but then the conversation flowed really well. We only stopped talking whenever we had to VE patients / there was a new case to attend / VE patients again. I also asked him questions, but I forgot what I asked. I only remembered him being a middle child out of 5 siblings, he loved going to places (went to Kelantan for matric, Russia for uni, Kuantan for work, and he's aiming for Sabah / Sarawak for MO). Honestly, after hearing that, I wanted to stop liking him alrd. I just knew he's not the one for me but feelings couldn't be forced, y'know. But throughout our conservation, masa awal awal tu, he was like, "Kau cakap ni, tangan kau jalan tak?" And I like HELLO, THE AUDACITY TO ASK ME THAT?! "Hey, saya multitasker tau. Perempuan kan memang a good multitasker. Lelaki tu yang tak reti multitask." And he was like, "okay okay." And true enough, lepastu, sebenarnya when he was talking abt smth, he turned his face to see me, and his hand didn't move! But I didn't point it out bcs I wanted to listen to him talking. And for the record, it was the first time I didn't even listen to any music during oncall even when I was stupidly sleepy that night bcs I didn't sleep the evening due to the PMR.
I even told him that I was scared of him the first time I saw him. And I told him about how I almost teared up when he said about the MOT schedule and he was like ??? "tu marah ke? mana ada aku marah kau." And I was like, "Nooo, awak marah saya. Saya nak nangis masatu. Saya dahlah dah nauseous pagi tu, tak suka MOT, pastu awak marah saya pulak."
Basically, we got to the topic bcs masa tu JM cakap muka dia stress sangat. "Cuba senyum sikit." And he freaking faked a smile and said, "ye kak, ada apa?" HAHAHAHA and when they left, I told him about me being scared of him.
And there was a scene where a JM asked me, "dr duduk atas kerusi ke? Kenapa dr nampak pendek?" And she was comparing me to him! LAHHHH!!! And he laughed! And I was like, "Kak, bukan saya yang pendek, tapi Dr ni yang tinggi, kak!" And true enough, he was 176 cm. (But the next next day, Izzat said he's 176 cm and he said it wasn't possible that the man is 176 cm bcs he said the man is taller than him). And then he was like, "eh haritu kau fundal baby 5kg kan? Aku nampak kat notes." And I was like, "YAAAAAA! TINGGI GILA PERUT DIA TAU! SAYA STRUGGLE GILA WAKTU TU!" And he was like, "Pastu kau panjat pt ke hahahaha" kuajar lelaki ni, aku pukul kang.
He was very encouraging, and that was one of the reasons why I liked him. Whenever I couldn't get the right opening for VE, he'd say things like, "Lah, kau sedih ke VE tak betul? Kau try je lah lagi." And he'd offer me to VE first whenever there was an acute complain. "Kau nak VE dulu tak? Sini."
I know, that was the bare minimum. I was just down soooo bad for him.
And he was the one who clerked the new gynae patient first. LIKE WHAAAAT?! NO ONE HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE. I was so touched bcs for once, I didn't have to clerk new patients.
And he settled the bcm while I focused on bishop reviews and postnatal reviews. When he was done with bcm, he was like, "weh kau tidur ke?" bcs I put my head on the counter while writing, and I was like, "Noo, I'm doing the reviews," and he was like, "Kalau kau nak tidur, tidur je lah. Nanti aku settle." And I was like, "Mana boleh, banyak lagi ni T_T"
Fast forward, during the postcall round, I was not feeling well. I felt nauseous and dizzy, and he was like, "Jangan stress sangat muka tu. Kejap lagi kita settle kerja kita." And I was like, "T_T saya pening and nauseous and mengantuk T_T" I was so whiny the whole morning and he didn't push me off.
After the round, I was kinda scared that maybe he wanted to isolate himself and do the discharges somewhere else (read: the usual nurse table). However, he asked the morning person to move away from the counter and we sat at the front counter and did the discharges. He took all the bhts needed bcs I rly didn't have the energy for anything else. I think he knew. He arranged the bhts and we did the discharges together. He even said, "Takpe, kita balik esok pun takpe. Jangan stress."
Along the way, I got stressed and wanted to cry whenever people pointed out how stressed out I looked, and I was like, "hngg I wanna cry," and he said, "jangan nangis dulu, buat kerja dulu." Whenever he ticked the joblist, he'd say, "ada harapan kita balik harini. Ada harapan."
I hate how optimistic he is. I hate how he's more positive than I am, and that makes me like him a lot. A whole lot. That was the last straw for me. I fell for him hard when I noticed this fact. Like, he himself was so stressed out but he was still optimistic and able to calm me down.
That was my third criteria in a guy.
And when the bhts went missing bcs the SNs kept taking them away, he shouted, "Akak, mana BHT?!" His voice was loud and stressed out, and I tegur lah, "Cuba awak cakap elok elok. Suara awak dahlah besar. Logic lah saya takut awak masa awal awal tu." And he said, "Dahtu nak cakap macam mana? Akaaaaak, bht kat manaaaaaaa?" Annoying af and I still like him a lot.
I did complain a lot to him about how the hrlr and low risk postcall people didn't help us, and he said, "Kita dah besar, takpelah." He's so freaking rational and I hate that he's rational and right 😭
But towards the end of our shift, he did say, "Aku rasa nak mencarut dalam group ni. Apa fx group ni kalau tak nak tolong?" And I said, "YAAAAAA! BOLEH PULAK YANG HRLR TU BALIK AWAL?!"
A total of 23 postnatal patients and 18 discharges :)
We did them together :)
And when we were about to do VE, he collected all the bhts alone and said, "Takpe, aku kutip semua, kau VE je nanti." He called all patients and I did VEs and he wrote everything (with my cop bcs he didn't bring his cop and now my cop is out of ink lol) And when I was all bongkok kat counter tu, he said, tepi sikit. I love how dia menjaga in terms of skinship. I mean, okay lah, we did have a few unintentional skinships throughout the night, but those were minimal. Very minimal. Compared to the other men. Bcs in the morning tu, when he say at the counter, I was in between him and Izzat. And then Faris was in front of him and Farhan was in front of me. I was surrounded by boys, and lemme tell ya, that these people didn't give a damn about skinships at all.
Not that I care that much, but still, it's nice to meet someone yang menjaga ❤️
That's also one of the reasons why.
The funny thing is, me and atifah did say smth like he's the guy version of me. I never thought I'd like a guy version of me, but, well, to think about it, I am kinda soft-spoken. I am responsible. But nah, im not calm. I'm short-tempered, but I don't lash out. I just make a face and get annoyed. But he's the opposite. Even when he's stressed out sampai kawan tu pergi nyanyi tiba tiba pastu istighfar (so sexy of him), he managed to calm me down.
But he's going away, and I'll have to bury this feeling inside and erase this feeling forever.
I managed to experience this feeling for a total of 1 week before he finally moves onto the next dept, and it's okay :)
I'll find my jodoh later. No worries.
And I hope he's nice.
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
