This morning, a realization hit me like a rock.
I won't specify, so that future me won't be able to unlock the pain.
If you're reading this, future me, I hope you're doing better now. I hope you find happiness wherever you are. I hope you find joy in little things and live in the moment.
It was a normal feeling back then. I used to feel this three and two years ago. And I hated it to the core. Because it reminded me of all the pain I went through.
Sure, it reminds me that I went through every pain and became who I am today. I got through it. I survived. I was a fighter.
But still, it hurts. It hurts too much my energy for the day is basically vanished.
I managed to lock all the pain away for 2 wonderful years. I got involved in community engagement; I focused on bigger things.
But when the feelings came back earlier today, the wave of sorrow hit me like a shore. Except I wasn't a shore. I was fragile. I was as fragile as a broken shard of glass you could find in any dirty beach.
It's funny, really, how people only see me as the person who has a problem with love.
I wish I could tell them that it's more than that, that it's much deeper than the surface. I wish they would understand without me telling anyone. I wish they could understand my silence.
I came across this video that says an INFJ doesn't tell people their thoughts, that's why no one understands them.
I wish it was simpler than that.
I mean, what's the point of telling someone your darkest thoughts and not getting the replies you desperately need?
Enough with the pain.
I let myself be indulged in all my senses, and now it's time to put a stop to it for now.
I have a bigger issue to solve now - gotta finish my case summary :')
But Sabrina, I just wanna tell you that you're doing great. Even if you don't feel like it, you're doing great. Stop treating yourself like a crap. You're a nice person. You don't deserve crap from yourself. You should be kind to yourself. So that when life is harsh towards you, you still have a home to come back to - you. At least you still have yourself.
I'm rooting for a kinder Sabrina!
May you succeed in everything you do!
Don't forget to be kind and nice to yourself!
And be kind to everyone else as well, okay?
I'm proud of you.
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
