Monday, March 11, 2024 | 12:25 AM | 0 Alien
I'm just wondering, really, why do people give a damn about the way I act?
Why do people care so much about how I bring myself?
Why do people talk about me behind my back and question my friends why do they befriend me?
That's so fucking rude.
Who do you think you are, to question people why do they befriend me?
Who do you think you are to question my strong personality?
What a piece of shit, for real.
Because those who question my personality definitely never try to befriend me or even look from my perspective. And that's a shame for them, honestly.
What a bummer.
You think I'm intimidating, but you go out your ways to question my friends about me lol
Go cry about it tho.
If you think I'm intimidating, that's probably your fault. You probably did something that made me intimidate you.
I'm not intimidating.
I'm just intimidating for a piece of shit like you, who doesn't have the courage to even talk to me, and yet, have the audacity to talk behind my back.
Thank you, by the way. I hope I intimidate you more with my new ws status <3
________________________________________________________________________________________Wednesday, February 21, 2024 | 7:36 PM | 0 Alien
It's probably hormonal.
I'll blame everything on the hormones for whatever I'm feeling nowadays.
But it always feels heavy.
Sometimes it feels hard to breathe.
Sometimes it feels hard to just swallow everything.
These are not somatic symptoms. It's mentally, and it's exhausting.
I'm exhausted, but no one sees how exhausted I am.
All they know is that I'm home and I'm always free and I have to be on service most of the time.
They bring cats home and tell me to take care of them.
They buy fishes and tell me to feed them.
They have kids and tell me to take care of everyone.
If I take care of everything, who takes care of me?
I don't want the "God will take care of you" answer.
I'm having a lump in my throat as I'm writing this. Idky.
It just feels heavy.
Thursday, February 2, 2023 | 6:57 PM | 0 Alien
I'm done looking for my future someone.
They say "you'll find him someday" and I believe them.
I tried. Istg I tried putting a certain people in my future crush list.
But the funny thing is, those people are somehow my friends' preferences as well. That's just purely funny because I told them about my future crushes. The least they could tell me is that "i think i like this guy" or "this guy is totally my type, can you like someone else?"
But it's okay.
It just shows that we all like good men.
Maybe they'll find the man who will love them first before me. And I'm happy for them.
My time will come soon, insyaAllah.
And if I can't find the person, it's okay. I can buy myself flowers. I can write my name in the sand. Talk to myself for hours. Say things you don't understand. jk jk
Alright, that's it!
See you later!
Thank you for having my back when I have no one to talk to <3
________________________________________________________________________________________Saturday, December 10, 2022 | 9:49 AM | 0 Alien
This morning, a realization hit me like a rock.
I won't specify, so that future me won't be able to unlock the pain.
If you're reading this, future me, I hope you're doing better now. I hope you find happiness wherever you are. I hope you find joy in little things and live in the moment.
It was a normal feeling back then. I used to feel this three and two years ago. And I hated it to the core. Because it reminded me of all the pain I went through.
Sure, it reminds me that I went through every pain and became who I am today. I got through it. I survived. I was a fighter.
But still, it hurts. It hurts too much my energy for the day is basically vanished.
I managed to lock all the pain away for 2 wonderful years. I got involved in community engagement; I focused on bigger things.
But when the feelings came back earlier today, the wave of sorrow hit me like a shore. Except I wasn't a shore. I was fragile. I was as fragile as a broken shard of glass you could find in any dirty beach.
It's funny, really, how people only see me as the person who has a problem with love.
I wish I could tell them that it's more than that, that it's much deeper than the surface. I wish they would understand without me telling anyone. I wish they could understand my silence.
I came across this video that says an INFJ doesn't tell people their thoughts, that's why no one understands them.
I wish it was simpler than that.
I mean, what's the point of telling someone your darkest thoughts and not getting the replies you desperately need?
Enough with the pain.
I let myself be indulged in all my senses, and now it's time to put a stop to it for now.
I have a bigger issue to solve now - gotta finish my case summary :')
But Sabrina, I just wanna tell you that you're doing great. Even if you don't feel like it, you're doing great. Stop treating yourself like a crap. You're a nice person. You don't deserve crap from yourself. You should be kind to yourself. So that when life is harsh towards you, you still have a home to come back to - you. At least you still have yourself.
I'm rooting for a kinder Sabrina!
May you succeed in everything you do!
Don't forget to be kind and nice to yourself!
And be kind to everyone else as well, okay?
I'm proud of you.
________________________________________________________________________________________Saturday, November 26, 2022 | 12:09 PM | 0 Alien
I'm back, finally.
I left this place years ago, but I'm here now, because I think this is a nice secret place for me to update about my life.
Ah, I just miss updating here!
I feel like crying T_T
Anyway,
I just read a draft I made in 2017, about medicine.
"Instead of sad, I should be happy that I get to pursue my education in medicine."
I didn't remember why I wrote that because I didn't write anything after the sentence, but the title of the post was "Happy? Sad? Mad?".
But I'm now a 5th year medical student, about to take my studies seriously, and I hope past Aida is proud of me :(
________________________________________________________________________________________Tuesday, December 13, 2016 | 8:07 PM | 0 Alien
Title: Winter in April
Word count: 3378
Genre: slight angst
Characters: April (OC) & Oh Sehun
Word count: 3378
Genre: slight angst
Characters: April (OC) & Oh Sehun
Summary: April wants to fulfil her promises but she has a price to pay
“I love you,” Sehun messaged, “I have always loved you.” April looked up, seeing him a few feet before her, holding his iPhone 7s that she bought for him as his birthday present. He locked his eyes on hers with a nervous face. The look in his eyes reflected sincerity as he shifted his gaze on his phone, typing something. “You have always been there for me. I have us to have forever.” She paused. Forever - that seemed so wrong yet so right in every level.
“I want forever but-” April stopped. No, this was not the time to be pessimistic. She cleared what she just typed and replaced them with an OK. But she could not bear the urge to say those words. She dialed his number, eyes glued to the figure of the tall man.
“I love you too. I love you and I want to be with you. If forever does exist, then, yes, I would want forever. I’d like to marry you and have kids and and do stupid things with you and grow old together but-” April took a deep breath. “But forever does not exist.” She forced a smile, gulping. Sehun stood very still, listening to her words as if they were music to his ears. Sad music. But sad music was his favorite.
“It’s okay. Let’s just be together as long as we still love each other.” The thought of her leaving him rushed to his mind, which he quickly shoved it away. “Just until we love each other,” he whispered. April tightened her grip on her phone, “That’s not what I mean.” She knew that she would always loved him. She would never leave him. She could never let him alone.
“We are not immortals. We’ll die eventually. I can die in another minute. And when I die, forever will not exist anymore. There will only be tears. The world would only be black or white. There is nothing in between. There is no grey anymore.”
“Even when you die, I’ll still love you,” Sehun’s deep voice cracked. The cold surrounding sent him chills. “But I need you to promise me to never leave me, to always stay with me, as long as you still love me. That is enough for me.” April smiled at his words. They were parted by the busy road.
“Sure.” April looked away to hide her tears. Tears of happiness, if there were such things.
“I promise to always love you. But- Winter, aren’t promises made to be broken?”
Sehun was quite taken aback. He knew she was realistic and rational but this was beyond his expectation. This was a little too much, at least to him, it was.
“Not our promises, though. We keep our promises close to our heart.” His lips formed a thin line. “We will.”
“OK then. I’m coming to you. Wait there.” April made her steps towards her loved one after making sure that it was safe enough for her to cross the road. Eyes glued to the man who was just three feet before him, she smiled, thinking to herself that this day was finally here. The day she had been waiting for had arrived. No pessimistic thoughts could stop her now. Not anymore. She was the new April Stevens right that moment. The happier one.
“BAM BAM!”
April looked to her left. A lorry was fast zooming towards her. Adrenaline rushed through her body. Damn, she thought. Not now. Her legs were frozen. She wanted to run so badly but she couldn’t move.
Sehun looked up from his phone.
CRASH!
“April!” He rushed towards her who was lying on the road, breathless. Pool of blood formed as other people surrounded them. Some called the ambulance. “Is there a doctor here?” No one. “Anyone who can stop the bleeding?” No answer. No one literally knew how. He cursed under his breath. April moved her fingers with all her strength but they only moved an inch.
“I love you,” she tried to say. But her words were unclear. He didn’t hear her. He was busy trying to stop the bleeding. “I love you,” she tried again. He put his two hands into her abdomen, wishing that she would be saved. Little things could help, he thought.
She closed her eyes. She could not make it, she knew it. I love you, she could only think.
April’s words were left unheard.
-
The day was quite normal, except for the fact that a family was moving into the house next to April’s. The Greys used to live there before Mr. Grey was promoted to be an executive manager in Singapore. He had three beautiful daughters who kind of looked alike - all with freckles on their chubby cheeks and blue eyes and also plump pink lips. They used to be April’s everyday playmates, well, before they were gone. She was alone after that - not that she really cared. April didn’t like them very much in the first place. She only played with them because her parents told her to. She hated how Mary, the first daughter would yell when things didn’t go her way. She hated how Sally would take her toys by force and never turned them back. She hated how Kelly, the youngest one, would run all day long and disturb people. She hated them all. But April knew that she wasn’t wrong for hating them. Hate was a strong expression, her mother would say every time April told her she didn’t like the girls. In fact, she never really liked anyone around her age. They were stupid, childish and immature. They only liked to play and not read, while her only interest was reading books. They were in different worlds that would never collide.
“Do you need a hand?” Mrs. Stevens asked the Asian-looking young lady, who seemed too busy scanning the house. The lady turned to her with a small smile and nodded. “Oh Jessica,” the lady mouthed her name, holding out her hand for a handshake. “Evelyn Stevens.”
“This is my daughter, April.” The little girl plastered a big smile on her small face, telling herself to try to like the family. They were going to spend a lot of time together, anyways. “Aw, you are so gorgeous!” Mrs. Oh pinched April’s cheeks with her lean fingers. She then called for her only son. The little boy had his NYC cap on, and his face showed no expression at all. “This is Winter. His real name is Sehun but you know, Winter sounds cute to me.” The boy eyed his mother with a thin line formed on his lips. He just shook his head. “I am Oh Sehun,” he bowed his head. “7 years old, I am.” April’s gaze was shifted on his grey eyes. They shone like snow during winter. She knew right away why he simply suited the name Winter.
“I’m gonna help them carrying the boxes, okay? You get to know him, alright?” Once the elder women left, they were immediately wrapped in silence. April’s lips suddenly felt drier than ever. She looked down to her Gucci shoes, not knowing how to break the ice between them. Sehun followed the trail of her eyes.
“Those shoes are nice, uh-” he paused. He didn’t know her name yet.
“April,” she said. Sehun noticed how April’s cheeks turned red all of the sudden.
“Were you born in April?” She nodded. “I was born in April as well. Thank God my mom didn’t name me April or else, we’ll have the same name!” Sehun tried to crack a joke. Well, it seemed to be working. April chuckled. “But she called you Winter.” She added, “What kind of name is that? I never heard someone with the name Winter.”
“Me either. But who cares, really?” April raised her arched eyebrows, “Winter is not a normal name.” Sehun just shrugged. “My mom loves winter. That explains everything.” The little girl just nodded, fingers playing with the hem of her furry shirt.
“Do you wanna be friends with me?” Sehun asked. She searched for sincerity in his eyes. Gratefully, the girl nodded.
“Then, you can call me Winter.”
-
Sehun and April grew up to be two mature people who would stop whatever they were doing to just think. Think about life, specifically. April’s mom warned her that she should just live life to the fullest without worrying about anything yet. She was just 17. People said that being a teenager was the best thing in their lives, but April didn’t think so.
“Why isn’t life fair?” April asked, eyes looking straight into the green scenery that lied before her two blue eyes. Snow had stopped falling for a few weeks, and parts of her wanted the snow to stay. She loved how the cold breeze kissed her face and made her reddish cheeks glowed beautifully. Yes, she was indeed a girl with high self-esteem.
Sehun stiffened. “No one has ever told me that life is fair, really.” His sharp eyes took a glance on the petite girl beside him. “It’s nature, I think, for life to be unfair. Maybe the unfair treatment we think we get is fair to the world.” His pink lips formed a slight pout as April let out a heavy sigh.
“I can’t believe your parents are gone,” she whispered. The picture of Sehun and his parents laughing during dinner every time she visited them kept replaying in her mind. Sadness took over her, realizing that Sehun was now taken care by his uncle. The 35-year-old man with really neat moustache from his mother’s side was willing to stay with Sehun in his house, accompanying the teenager, now that he was divorced. He was a lawyer and his firm was just a stone’s away from the house.
“Sometimes I forget that they are gone. I wake up and eagerly come down for breakfast with my parents, only to realize that there is only Coco Crunch and milk on the table with a sticky note that said ‘Don’t skip breakfast!’. I- ” Sehun paused. He looked down to the growing grass, fighting back his tears. April turned to him and slowly, she held his hand and carrassed it. “You can cry, Winter. Crying is a form of letting go and moving on. You can cry.” He tried so hard to keep the tears away but he lost. April wiped away the tears that rolled down his cheeks. Maybe she is right, he thought, maybe this is a sign that I am moving on.
“I’ll always be here, Winter.”
“Promise me?”
“Promise.”
-
April realized she had made thousands of promises with Sehun that she could never fulfil. Not anymore. She felt so bad. It was as if she was now the parent who kept promising her child that she would get the kid some toys and trip to Disneyland and those lip-licking cakes. But in this case, Sehun only wanted her company. He only needed her love. Although his wishes were damn simple, but no, she couldn’t fulfil them. She was dead anyway. She was dead.
-
Sehun on the other hand was a living corpse. He was alive but he looked worse than a zombie. His Jewish friend told him about shivah - where friends and neighbours bring food to the living person as an appreciation to the dead. 7 days of no clean clothes, no bathing and no shaving. Sehun would like to give shivah a try. But he was the epitome of mess.
“Dude, are you sure?” Sehun just nodded. He would do anything to get rid of the heavy stone in his heart. He couldn’t bear the pain anymore.
“Sehun,” a lady voiced out. She was April’s other best friend besides him. Sehun ignored her, hating the fact that she looked just fine at times like that. She should not be fine, he thought. She should cry, his inner self screamed. She should feel as empty as I feel, his mind yelled.
Sehun lay on the marble floor, feeling helpless.
“April wouldn’t like you to be in this mess.” Sehun ignored her once again. He closed his tired eyes and he immediately saw April within the darkness. The picture of April bleeding to death crept into his mind. He couldn’t unsee it.
“You should stop mourning over her death, Sehun.”
He heard April’s sobs in his ears. His eyes fluttered open, only to reveal Jessica who was kneeling before him. Damn it, he cursed under his breath.
“I promise to always be with you, Winter.” The voice rang in his mind, making him sob harder. His fingers ran along his messy brown hair, slightly pulling them in frustration.
“You promised me, April. You freaking promised me!” He shouted, hoping that April would hear his voice in heaven. “I need you,” he whispered. He needed her presence so badly that he would do anything to let her be alive again.
“Sehun, stop it.” The long-haired lady said as a sigh escaped her mouth. She was mad at how Sehun could freely mourn over April’s death yet she had to act so strong, as if it didn’t affect her one bit.
“Do you think I’m not sad at all?” She finally spoke. “Do you think I don’t want to roll on the floor, crying my eyes out until I can’t even cry anymore?!” Her voice became louder. “She is my best friend, Sehun. She is my freaking best friend. How can I not be sad?”
Sehun eyed her. Hot crystals started to well in her eyes.
“April made me promise once to not cry when she dies,” she mouthed, “she doesn’t want to leave this world with a heavy heart.”
“April wants us to be happy.”
-
“I see you want to fulfil your promises,” a voice rang in April’s head. She looked around but she saw no one. In fact, she saw nothing but white rays. “Don’t bother look for me, my dear. I live within your heart.”
“Who are you?” April asked. “Your fairy godmother.” She scoffed. “I don’t know you really exist.” The voice ignored her remark and it continued, “Do you want to fulfil your promises?” April gave it a thought. Of course she wanted to but she knew better that this was definitely not for free. There was a price to pay for it.
“What is it do you want? I have got no money. I am dead anyway.” The voice laughed hysterically. April started to think that this may not actually be the fairy godmother. It seemed creepy. It sounded hella scary. The trail of its voice just screamed run.
“You will find out later.”
-
April then noticed that she was in a room full of monitors, showing the man she loved in such a bad condition in every angle. She didn’t get it. How could she be there? Did she just agree to the so-called fairy godmother’s deal? What was the price?
Her thoughts were quickly interrupted when her eyes landed on Sehun who was yelling on top of his voice, tears rolling down his cheeks. She was scared. She felt bad. The only time he was like this was when his parents died in an accident.
“Winter…” she whimpered.
“I made an oath, April. Why did you leave me?” His voice was laced with sorrow. The shivah wasn’t working on him.
“Why aren’t you answering me?”
April paused. Could he hear her?
“I love you.”
No response. Sehun didn’t hear her. They were in two different worlds anyway.
Sehun slowly made his way towards his work table at the corner of his room. His hand automatically held April’s picture and hugged the wooden frame. He didn’t know why her smiling picture looked so sad in his arms.
“I’m the one who is messed up. She must have been happy in heaven,” he mumbled under his breath.
“I’m not in heaven, Winter. Not quite yet. I am also suffering.”
“I love you, April.”
“I love you too.”
-
Sehun wasn’t doing any better. It had been a month since she left the reality world but he was still living in the past. April hated to see him being so fragile. She could only hope that he would move on one day. She didn’t want him to live in sorrow. It hurt her as well.
“Sehun,” Jessica voiced out, “Do you want to talk about her? I read that it would help - talking about the dead.”
Sehun nodded.
“Okay. So, let’s start. How do you see her?” Jessica plastered a fake smile on her face, trying to hide her sadness.
“April is gorgeous in every way,” Sehun whispered, eyes glued to the picture of April smiling in his arms. “She likes books so we talk a lot about them. Books, quotes and life. She always wonders about life, though.” Sehun’s lips formed a thin line. He noticed how he used present tense instead of past tense. April was still alive in his heart, anyway.
“OK. Hm can you tell me about one conversation that is so significant to you?”
“April once asked me why do people fall in love.” Sehun stopped.
He remembered her words crystal clear.
-
“Winter, do you have any idea why people fall in love?” April asked him in December, a day before her family trip to London to visit her grandparents. He just smiled. “It just happens, April. Love doesn’t need a reason to appear. It just appears when it feels like it.”
“I think I’m feeling it.” Sehun’s stomach literally did some gymnastic jumps. “Love?” The 18-year-old girl nodded.
“Who is he?”
Her lips formed a sweet smile as she looked straight into his eyes, furrowing her eyebrows.
“Me?”
-
Three months later, he was still a mess. March had came to an end but Sehun was still locked in his own world, where April was still alive. He was trapped. He couldn’t find a way out of his own world. April took the key with her when she left.
“What’s the price?” April asked herself, hoping that the fairy godmother would hear her question.
“Oh my dear,” she heard, “you still haven’t guessed it yet?”
April was mad.
“Is it him? Winter? Is he the price that I have to pay?” The voice just laughed and laughed until it choked its own saliva.
“You are so brilliant, dear April.” Her lips formed a thin line, heart boiling with anger.
“How to undo this?” She slowly whispered, trying to control her anger. She could not believe she was so stupid before to never realize about the price she had to pay. If only she knew about it sooner, Sehun would not be in that devastating state. Sehun would definitely be able to move on and live happily. It was all her fault. She wanted to fulfil her promises yet she let him suffering.
“Let go of him. Say goodbye. Then I’ll undo this. I’ll let him move on.”
April let out a heavy sigh.
“OK.”
April learned to let go. She needed to let him go for his goodness. She must break her promises - to never leave him and stay with him and be with him forever. She had to.
“Goodbye, Winter. It had been a pleasure loving you.” April waved him an invisible kiss.
Her sight suddenly turned blurry. It was white all of the sudden. Her heart ached but she endured it. Promises were made to be broken, after all. They would eventually break no matter how hard April tried to keep them last. They were meant to be broken.
“Happy birthday, Winter.”
It was the first day of April. And snow fell down. Sehun looked up from the window beside his bedroom. The snow that fell was April’s departure tears. Sehun could feel the wind blew gently from the window. Yes, it was April’s forlorn sigh. But it was winter in April - a gift for Sehun for holding onto April for so long.
“I love you, Winter.” Sehun heard her voice in his mind. Slowly, his lips crept a small smile on his face.
“I love you too.”
________________________________________________________________________________________
| 8:02 PM | 0 Alien
Characters: Kyungsoo, April (OC), Oh Sehun
Genre: slight angst
Words: 4534 words
Summary: Kyungsoo met a blind lady at a cafe and he thought he was in love with her.
(Italic = flashback)
Kyungsoo inhaled the cold air sharply, fingers frozen on the piano keys. His mind was wandering through the snowy roads of his relationship with April, the lady he met on the first day of Spring back in 2014. He exhaled, looking at his surrounding. A pair of couple cuddled with hot cups of cappucino in their hands, looking at each other with love. A man in his mid 40s who talked to the phone, immediately smiling as his two eyes landed on the woman clad in Chanel 2016 jacket winter collection. They shared a quick peck on the cheek before the woman took a seat opposite of him. The corner of his lips curved upwards for such a long time. Kyungsoo sighed. Everything had changed. Everything. Except his feelings towards April.
-
The cafe was known to be a place for brokenhearted people for a reason. It served hot coffee to heal the hearts of the customers, a piece of cake to fade away the scars and free sweets to forget the pain. Kyungsoo was not heartbroken when he first got there - he was never, in the first place. It was an impulse plus curiosity that made him stepped into the cozy cafe on the first day of Spring, when he wanted to take a break from his never-ending work - not that he didn’t like to save lives - but he needed some space. He was a cardiologist - the best in town - at Myungho University Hospital.
The moment he entered Heart Cafe for the first time, his mind told him to run , far far away from the small building which was located at the south-end of Seoul. The bad instinct was consuming him but he shrugged it off, his feet in the brand new black Polo shoes brought him to an empty table at the corner. When he settled in, his eyes couldn’t stop examining his surrounding. Everyone looked so pathetic in his eyes - messy hair, red eyes and frowns - to the point that he asked himself what have gotten into people nowadays. His thought was immediately disturbed by the waiter with two ponytails who plastered a small smile on her smudged face. He was horrified. She handed him the menu and left, telling him to push the small ring bell on the table once he was ready to order. He nodded. He scanned the menu with his big eyes, but then sweet melody of the piano approached him with pure sweetness and softness. He looked up and his eyes landed exactly on the lady with short wavy hair who was playing the piano. April. Her lean fingers ran swiftly on the piano tiles, eyes closed the whole time, as if she was in her own world. He knew the piece though. It was Reminiscent by his favorite Korean pianist, Yiruma. He had records of Yiruma at home. Lots of them. On the white rack by the window of his study room.
-
Kyungsoo looked at his surrounding again. The other customers were still on cloud nine, some of them were in seventh heaven, while Kyungsoo was stuck in the past, in which it seemed like hell.
-
Kyungsoo ordered a bowl of cheesy aglio oglio from the Chef’s Recommendation section and a big cup of hot mocha latte. April was still playing the piano, but this time, she played River Flows In You. Her eyes were still tightly closed. Kyungsoo adored her talent - for being able to play without seeing the notes - that he had the urge to approach her. It was just a thought, an impossible one, because Kyungsoo knew very well how awkward the situation would be if he approached her first. He wasn’t born to socialize with people, he loved to say. He just shrugged. He then focused on his food, the pasta was served in a shiny plate. Once the pasta was almost finished, Kyungsoo noticed a red incomplete heart shape on the plate, with some words in the heart. He finished his lunch and the complete shape appeared - a red heart with ‘Love is just for the hopeless’ words in it - and he scoffed. No wonder people called it a place for brokenhearted people.
Kyungsoo somehow waited for April to stop playing as he took a sip on his drink. She played Yiruma’s pieces, especially Indigo, over and over again. Indigo was his favorite - if he had to choose - and the fact that the young lady in her early 20s kept playing Indigo made him think that it could be her favorite too. He didn’t want to leave until she stopped but he was paged by Dr. Oh Sehun. Wanted it or not, he had to leave. He didn’t have a choice anyway - he vowed to save lives when he first stepped into the hospital - so he paid for his meal and left, with hopes that April would be there on the next day.
-
The cafe was absurdly cold when it was supposed to be warm and cozy, a place to feel as if you were at home. Kyungsoo pressed a key on the piano but that sounded so wrong. No, the piano was at its finest condition, but Kyungsoo was not. His heart was not fine. Not that he could mend it on his own, even though he was a cardiologist. He made money from people with heart diseases, he cured people’s heart and he saved thousands of people up to the day, but the wound in his heart was invisible. He couldn’t see the scar through CT scan. Even if he did the eighty-thousand-worth scan, he could never see the emptiness of his heart. The pain was invisible and inevitable, controlled by his mind.
-
Kyungsoo could not find April on the next day. And on the next next day. And on the next next next day. He had been paying the cafe a visit for two consecutive weeks but she was nowhere to be found. He was starting to give up - he didn’t even know why looked for her in the first place - but somehow, his heart screamed to never stop. He remembered his grandfather told him that following your instinct could bring happiness or sadness or both. And so he followed his heart, gambling with fate, and kept visiting the cafe.
Exactly on his 20th visit to the cafe, he proved his instinct right. There, on the piano stool, sat the lady whose fingers were dancing gracefully on the piano. Every key she pressed sounded so peaceful, as if she was radiating love to everyone in the cafe. Kyungsoo’s feet brought him towards the piano and he stood beside her. He noticed that she still closed her eyes tightly and he couldn’t help but to be in awe with her. The piece she was playing was not Yiruma’s, it was Ave Maria. April somehow sensed his presence as she stopped once the piece came to an end.
“Yes?”
Her voice was thin, quite nasal, unique even but calming. It was just as how Kyungsoo imagined her voice would sound. The corner of her lips curved a bit, standing out her high cheek bones. Kyungsoo cleared his voice.
“Where did you go?”
Kyungsoo sounded angry, his tone was higher than usual, which surprised him. The lady’s small smile disappeared in a matter of seconds as his smooth rich voice reminded her of someone. Someone close to her. Someone she missed so much.
Eyes still closed, she turned to him and furrowed her brown eyebrows.
“Pardon me, sir?”
Kyungsoo started to think that something was wrong with her eyes. He took a deep breath, trying so hard to sound normal.
“I waited for you to show up here for two weeks.” There. The truth. She was quite taken aback. She turned away, eyes never opened.
“Why? I don’t even know you.”
“I wanted to approach you.”
The lady’s full lips formed a thin line, chest heaved. Kyungsoo’s voice was a tone lower than her ex-fiance’s, but both of them had the same richness in their voice. The sweet voice that could weaken every girl’s knees. The voice that would be the perfect voice to sing lullaby. The kind of voice that rang forever in her mind.
Straightening her spine, she let out a heavy sigh. “Well,” she said, “You already approached me.” Kyungsoo smiled sheepishly, slightly biting his bottom lip. Why did the nice air of spring suddenly felt hot, he asked himself. He could feel his cheeks getting red.
“Right,” he paused, calculating the possibilities of unawkward moments if he praised her talent. Ah, screw the calculation, he then thought.
“You are cool, okay? Very cool. Honestly. I’m a cardiologist but my pride is high but really, you are cool. Like, seriously, how can a person play the piano with both if your eyes closed? I thought people like that only exist in movies. Oh God. I sounded very excited, didn’t I?”
April let out a giggle at how excited Kyungsoo sounded. It was as if euphoria took over him. She found it funny - the situation - and for the first time in five months, she broke into a laughter. The real one. After five months of hovering under the dark clouds, she finally found the bright sky again. Finally. She learned to laugh again. She remembered the felicity now. How blissful it felt back then.
“But I’m not cool. The situation forces me to play in this state, you know,” the lady said with a smile on her flawless face. Kyungsoo sensed something but he shrugged the thought off. He insisted that it was still amazing nevertheless. She couldn’t deny more.
“I have to go,” Kyungsoo excused himself when he was paged by a nurse and he extended his palm to shake her hand. She didn’t respond. Her hands were still in touch with the piano keys. He waited for another few seconds. The lady stilled. Kyungsoo pulled away, quite embarrassed.
“Will you be here tomorrow?” Kyungsoo was surprised by his own question. It was supposed to be a thought. It should stay lingering in his mind. To his luck, April smiled, slightly nodding.
“You can find me here tomorrow.”
-
Kyungsoo was tired of waiting. His patience grew weary. He had lost count of how many times he was been waiting for her at the same time, at the same place, at exactly the same spot. She just never showed up. Not once. For the past few months. Maybe I should stop, he once thought. But he heard her in the back of his head, on their last meeting, “You will find me here someday. Always look for me. Please.” He remembered the sorrow in her voice, how shaky the voice was. He remembered everything clearly. But in order to save people’s lives by fixing their heart, he must save his own heart first. Only he couldn’t.
-
Kyungsoo rescheduled his surgeries - all of them - to the night and early morning, leaving his evening free to meet April at the cafe. Sehun was quite worried when he saw Kyungsoo postponing his upcoming Humpty Dumpty surgery, thinking that Kyungsoo might be sick. The older guy only shrugged, didn’t even explain his excuses even though he knew Sehun had been waiting to scrub in with him for the once-in-a-blue-moon chance. Sehun could wait, he thought. The patient could wait. The heart would still be functioning in a few more hours. But that lady - April - she couldn’t wait. Correction. It was him. It was Kyungsoo who couldn’t wait. He had been spending all day thinking of her. It was not love, he believed, but it was something more. Something consuming that eventually he became addicted. He was driven to meet her. For the first time in forever, he felt as if fate had been planning to bring them together. It was as if fate had better plans for his future rather than spending his old days saving lives alone and come home to a big bungalow with no one but Sehun being his housemate.
Right at 4.00 in the evening, Kyungsoo had finally finished an emergency surgery on the old woman who was involved in a massive accident with a truck. He had spared her life successfully without any complications or hardships. But this reminded him of his surgery five months ago, on a patient named Boo Seungkwan, who was stucked in his car when the tunnel that acted as an alternative road from Busan to Seoul had crashed due to the earthquake. Since Seungkwan’s body was attached to the car, Kyungsoo had to go to the scene to save his life. His heart was almost in the same condition as the old woman’s. Only Seungkwan was losing so much blood that the blood bank the medical team brought wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough. Kyungsoo’s four hours of fixing his heart came to a waste of time. He was gone. Just because of the stupid reason - insufficiency of O negative blood.
Kyungsoo’s walk down the memory lane was interrupted by Dr. Hong Joshua, asking him for a medical consult for a patient named Kim Jongin. Kyungsoo let out a sigh as he stole a glance on his Rolex. Damn. He was late. Not practically late though since he didn’t actually promise to see April, but he just needed to see her fast.
“Can you wait until tonight?”
“I’m afraid the patient is having a surgery tonight, Kyungsoo.” Kyungsoo inhaled sharply. He was literally torn apart. But then, Sehun appeared out of nowhere before his eyes and he immediately said, “Ask Dr. Oh to check the patient. I taught him everything I know about heart.” Thank God, Kyungsoo mentally shouted in happiness. Dr. Hong turned to Sehun as Kyungsoo quickly clicked his heels and exited the hospital. He was very eager to meet April.
The moment he entered the cafe, his ears were cleansed by the softness of the melody that was played by April. She played Kiss The Rain by Yiruma this time. Kyungsoo settled in a table at the corner of the cafe, next to the transparent glass, the table he sat when he first came to the cozy place. He ordered seafood lasagna and his favorite drink, hot mocha latte as he enjoyed April’s show. He must have been so immersed into the melody that he didn’t even turn around to examine other people. He realized it. He was in a world full of unicorns and rainbows and he was feeling blissful.
Since his food was not ready by the time April finished Yiruma’s piece, Kyungsoo walked towards her. He was not nervous. Not anymore. April could hear his footsteps - the clicking of his Polo shoes on the marble floor - and she turned around with a smile. She knew it was Kyungsoo. The guy clad in short-sleeved Calvin Klein shirt replied her smile with a big grin, which of course, she couldn’t see.
“Can you take a break and have coffee with me?” Kyungsoo asked, hoping her to say yes. To his luck, she nodded.
“But I can’t-” she paused. She took a deep breath.
“Can you help me?”
Kyungsoo understood her. He immediately took her soft hand as she stood up. Slowly, he led her to his table, where his food and drink were already served. He pushed the small bell on the table and the waitress in smudged make up came to them with a pen in her left hand, ready to take another order.
“One cold cappucino, please.”
With April sitting in front of him, Kyungsoo felt awkward to eat his food but he ate anyway. It would a waste to not eat. Plus, he had a rough night ahead waiting for him. A night full of surgeries.
“So, what is your name?” April asked to break the silence between them. Kyungsoo smiled sheepishly, realizing that he didn’t even introduced himself when he first approached her. How rude.
“Do Kyungsoo. I am a cardiologist.”
“Jeon April. 26 years old. I was a pianist.” Kyungsoo was surprised at how she used past tense. She was still a pianist, wasn’t she?
“Aren’t you still playing the piano? What’s up with the past tense?”
The lady before him chuckled.
“There are differences between playing the piano and being a pianist. Playing the piano is just- playing the piano. You remember the keys and you play within your knowledge. While being a pianist is something greater. Something big. You express yourself through the piano. You allow people to explore your world.” She stopped. Taking a deep breath, she continued, “You play to heal people.” Kyungsoo nodded, munching on the cheesy lasagna.
“But I don’t quite get it. The part why you’re not a pianist anymore.”
Just then, the waitress served her the cold cappucino. Instead of putting it on the table, she grabbed April’s hand and handed her the cup. April mouthed a thanks to her and she left. She took a sip on her drink, clearing her dry throat.
“I don’t play to heal people anymore.”
“But why?”
April chuckled again. “You’re a curious person.” Kyungsoo blamed his job for that. Really. As a cardiologist, he needed to ask a lot of questions in order to give his patients the best treatment. Asking questions was a part of learning besides observing, his mentor used to say back then when he was just an intern.
“I play just because I can. That’s the only thing I can do without anyone’s help. The only thing,” she said softly. It was almost a whisper. Kyungsoo noticed the sadness in her voice but he chose to ignore it.
“Are you sure that you’re safe with me?” Kyungsoo tried to lighten up her mood. She furrowed her eyebrows before taking another sip on her favorite drink. “Why?”
“I could be a kidnapper, you know. I could bring you anywhere and ask for ransom from your parents.” She chuckled.
“You won’t. If you were to kidnap me, believe me, you won’t be able to even exit this cafe.” Kyungsoo didn’t get it. “Can you see the two men at the nearest table to the piano? Those are my men.”
Kyungsoo turned to the direction she said and he saw the two men. Both were muscular and big in size. Much bigger than him. They also seemed very tall that Kyungsoo mentally labelled them as giants. The two men suddenly had eye contacts with Kyungsoo and he quickly looked away, frightened.
“That is scary,” he made a remark. April ran her fingers along her short hair and said, “It’s fine. They won’t hurt you.” She paused for awhile.
“As long as you don’t hurt me.”
-
Kyungsoo found himself getting hurt worse every single day. The endless waiting killed him. Almost. He was barely alive. He could barely breathe. The cold surrounding didn’t do him any justice. The pain didn’t go numb. The wound was still bleeding. And this time, he couldn’t do anything to stop the bleeding but to stare and wait. Wait till the very end.
-
“Kyungsoo,” April’s thin voice echoed in the four walls of the cafe. The guy looked up from the book he was reading and plastered a smile on his face. April’s face was serious. Her eyebrows slightly twitched as she asked, “Have you ever gave up in life at any circumstances?”
Kyungsoo blinked. He put a bookmark on the page he was reading and closed the thick medical book he bought from his senior.
“I have.” Kyungsoo’s full lips pursued into a thin line. “You see, medicine is not actually my passion. I was forced to study medicine because of my parents. You know, typical asian parents who want their children to be a doctor or lawyer. Hahaha,” the laugh was fake. April sensed it.
“I have to give up singing since I can’t focus on two things at the same time. I have to choose. And I apparently choose my parents.”
“Do you regret your decision?”
Kyungsoo’s eyes softened. “No.” He took a large gasp of air and continued, “I am a cardiologist now. The respected one. I’m fine with it.”
April nodded, fingers playing with the hem of her shirt.
“Are you giving up?” Kyungsoo asked the lady before him. She shook his head. “Almost. I was drowning. The accident-” April paused. She closed her mouth for a few seconds. “Anyway, I have you now, haven’t I?”
Kyungsoo could feel his face getting red. Oh God. He was mentally thankful that April couldn’t see him blushing.
“Kyungsoo,” she called him.
“Can you sing for me?”
-
The song that was playing in the cafe was April’s favorite - Stay by Miley Cyrus. It was the first song Kyungsoo sang to her. And apparently, it was also the last song he sang on their last meeting. Kyungsoo clutched his jeans slightly, closing his eyes as he remembered how she praised his singing.
“I could listen to you singing every single second in my life and never get enough of it.”
Kyungsoo could feel tears welling in his eyes. He missed her. He missed April so much.
-
Kyungsoo was curious of the accident that happened eight months ago. He wanted to know more about the accident that took away April’s eyes. He needed to know something about it. And so he asked her, very carefully.
April only answered with a smile at first. She took a few sips on her cold cappucino and continued smiling. As if the accident didn’t affect her one bit. Kyungsoo was nervous, his heart beating fast. After what it seemed like five minutes, April started to speak.
“We went on a vacation in Busan. On our way home to Seoul, I insisted that we used the alternative road to Seoul. You know, the tunnel. He didn’t want to because he was just paranoid of tunnels. He once trapped in a tunnel when he was 10 so yeah, the guy was traumatized.” April took another sip on the drink in her hand. “There was an earthquake all of the sudden. The tunnel fell down and glasses from the car got into my eyes.” She paused, gulping.
Kyungsoo watched her closely, not even blinking the whole time.
“The doctor couldn’t save my eyes. It was hard to accept at first but sure I could survive. I knew I could. But-” April paused again. She drank her cappucino until the cup was empty.
"The doctor couldn’t save him also. My person- My guy- My fiance couldn’t be saved by the doctor. And yet people said that he was the best cardiologist in the country.” She scoffed, her tone was getting higher. Her hands trembled from the anger she was feeling. Or was it sadness? Kyungsoo could not tell. But he was certain of something - she was talking about him. The best cardiologist in the country. Him. Do Kyungsoo.
“What is his name? Your fiance.”
“Boo Seungkwan.”
-
Kyungsoo was paged by Dr. Hong for an emergency surgery. As much as he wanted to stay and wait for April, he must save lives. He must save another lives. He couldn’t let other people die. Not in his hands. He wouldn’t repeat the same stupid mistake when he operated on Seungkwan. It was his biggest mistake - to not bring enough O negative blood because he was late at that time. Time was running out. Kyungsoo stood up, paid for his food and exited the cafe. He was in a rush. Little did he realize the figure of a female entering the cafe.
-
“I have a donour,” April said after Kyungsoo finished his last line of her favorite song. Kyungsoo was delighted. The corner of his lips curved upwards, felicitating her. However, she had a frown plastered on her beautiful face.
“What is it?”
“I’ll be going to all the way to Seattle for the surgery.” Kyungsoo took April’s soft hand and squeezed it slightly. “You’re going to be absolutely fine. Don’t be afraid.”
April held his hand tightly as if her life depended on Kyungsoo’s hand.
“I’m afraid of my life after I undergo the surgery.” Kyungsoo wanted to ask why but she cut him off. “I’m not ready to see your face. I can’t even imagine you. What if you are too beautiful? To the point that I have dreams about you?” Kyungsoo chuckled.
“Isn’t that great?”
“No. It means I have a replacement for Seungkwan in my heart. And I don’t want that. I’m not ready to move on,” she whispered. Kyungsoo caressed the back of her palm. April rested her head on the guy’s shoulder.
“You have to move on, anyway.” She sighed. “I know.” She then turned to him. “Can you please wait for me? Until I am ready to move on.” Kyungsoo could hear a hint of sorrow in her shaky voice.
“You will find me here someday. Always look for me. Please.”
-
Kyungsoo did one final touch on the patient’s heart and waited. Waited for heart to beat. One second. Two seconds. Dup dup dup. He was relieved.
“Good job, everyone. Another live is saved today.” He managed to save the patient. He didn’t make a mistake at all. He felt amazing. As he stepped out of the operation room, Sehun stopped him.
“You’re going to the cafe again?”
Kyungsoo looked up to the tall figure before him, furrowing his thick eyebrows. He then nodded.
“Who knows if she’s there by now.”
Kyungsoo was still hoping. After all these while, there was still a glimpse of hope in his heart.
He clearly didn’t took his time to visit the cafe. His instinct screamed that she would be there. After about five months waiting for her, he knew she would be there. This time, his instinct was strong. Stronger than ever. Stronger that the time he first approached her. Stronger.
When he stepped into the cafe, he was approached by soft melody from the piano. It was Indigo - his favorite piece from Yiruma. He wasted no time and his eyes quickly landed on the familiar figure of a lady playing the piano. April. Her hair was longer, almost shoulder-length now but he was sure that the lady was April. The person he longed for.
“April?”
The lady stopped dancing her fingers on the piano. She looked down, gulping.
“Are you Jeon April?”
Kyungsoo approached her. He put a hand on her shoulder but she stilled. She didn’t even respond.
“I’m Kyungsoo. Do Kyungsoo.”
His heart was beating fast.
“April?”
He turned her around to take a good look at her. It was April. Kyungsoo smiled, his inner self was jumping in felicity. But then he realized the hot crystals that rolled down her cheeks.
“What’s wrong?”
He immediately took out a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the tears away.
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
April looked up. She took a deep breath.
“You are too beautiful.”
Kyungsoo grinned like a Cheshire cat. It was indeed kairos.
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
