________________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday, April 5, 2026 | 4:08 PM |
0 AlienHere.
This is the step that scares me — to write a list of all the things that felt off about him.
Chatgpt suggested me to do this list bcs I couldnt seem to move on, and day by day, I keep missing him more. Which isn't supposed to happen, btw.
So I'm here, writing the list, because once I feel the urge to approach him / text him, I should look at the list again and know my worth.
Here we go.
1. He's inconsistent
One second, he's all into me. The next second, I'm just a stranger.
He changed his mind every few weeks. Rejected me, then 2 weeks later, approached me, then 3 weeks later, rejected me again.
His efforts were inconsistent. The next second, he wanted to take things slow. And suddenly, he just decided to pull away after our third date (which went smoothly btw).
Do I deserve that kinda of inconsistency?
I don't.
For someone who appreciates consistency, it's a red flag for me. Unsustainable. Will make me anxious and overthink every time. Not healthy for me emotional health.
2. He didn't choose me
In fact, he chose to not choose me. He chose to not be with him for the past 4 months and more to come. This is all his decision.
He chose not to have me. He chose not to have me in his life, and chose not to be in my life either.
Of all the choices he had/has, he chose not to be with me.
And that's reason enough for me to move on. That's reason enough for me to know my worth.
"You can be the prettiest shade of blue, but you still won't be chosen if his favorite color is grey."
I felt that.
I deserve someone who chooses me every second of the day. I deserve someone who chooses me daily, even when things don't go our way. I deserve someone who'll choose me again and again and again, and never regret his decision of choosing me.
3. He's uncertain
I should've seen this coming. Earlier during our taaruf, he always said things like "we don't know the future" and "at the end of the day, we have to make a decision". Even until the end, he was like, "maybe I'll regret this. Nah, we don't know the future."
He's uncertain.
Even if you don't know the future, it doesn't mean you shouldn't work on it.
And that should be enough for me to stay away from him.
I need someone who is certain — certain that he wants me in his life, certain that he needs me in his life, certain that he'll stay by my side for the rest of his life.
I need someone who is certain of us, certain that we can work things out and be good for each other, certain that we were destined for each other.
4. His ego is high
He kept saying things like "saya lelaki, saya tahu mana yang baik dan buruk".
Okay, so?
Act like it.
If it's not good for us, then why did you do it? If it's not good for me, then why did you decide to let me go?
He didn't tell me his insecurities. He didn't tell me what happened in his daily life. He only told me very little pieces of his daily life and that's it.
He told me he didn't like talking about his daily life. He only wanted to see me to feel calm.
That honestly felt off.
I didn't like the feeling. I didn't like not knowing how his day went, and I didn't like not knowing things from his perspective.
5. He decided on his own
He decided that I couldn't understand his family's financial status. When, in fact, I understood him a lot. Why even? He didn't ask me. He didn't ask if I was okay with it. He just decided that I couldn't get it.
He decided that I would leave him once I couldn't tolerate him. Did he ask me hypothetically? He didn't. He just decided that for me, out of nowhere.
He decided that I wouldn't get married in May/June. Did he ask me about it? No, he didn't. When I said I wanted to get married in October, he was like, okay. I'll meet your parents after umrah, then we'll decide from there, nak tunang ke apa.
He decided everything in his head. And tho I do want a guy to be decisive in making his decisions, he shouldn't decide everything in head without talking to me first.
That's all I can think of as of now. I'll be back soon once I remember something else. Bye.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, December 30, 2025 | 10:49 AM |
0 AlienThe downfall of my life started on 14th December 2025.
From there, everything started going downhill.
I became sick with infective AGE (I still think it's food poisoning) later that weekend, extending into the next week. I had to take 3 mcs in a row, followed by an oncall, followed by another 2 days of OL (planned).
Everyone was worried about me.
When I went back to work last night, everyone was like "OMG AIDA YOU'RE BACK! ARE YOU HEALTHY NOW?"
SN pun tanya, "Dr okay tak? Dah sihat betul ke?"
Athirah cakap, "kan kak, lama betul dia cuti sakit."
But they didn't know I actually went to Batam for the past 3 days hehe
Anyway, I kept thinking about him while I was in Batam. It's honestly so sad, because man had moved on with his life. He was happy attending his friend's wedding. He didn't text me at all. He didn't ask how I'm doing despite I'm pretty sure he knows I was not doing well.
And instead of him, this Fitri Azim guy was the one who texted me, who kept checking up on me.
"Are you getting better?"
"How are you feeling?"
Did I tell you that he asked me a day after Daus broke things off. He asked, "awak still berkenalan dengan orang tu ke?" I said no, and he said, "then, izinkan saya untuk mencelah semula."
Even Atifah rasa lelaki ni mantap. Consistent. Sentiasa nak try saya. Cuma saya tak sure dia serious ke main-main. Atifah pun tak bagi layan sangat, dia tak nak fitri ni jadi rebound saya. But ofc not :') I knew better :') I can't move on that fast, even if I want to, so desperately.
But at times, I do resent him a lot. Daus, I mean. All of things won't happen if he didn't act like shit. If he just decided to stop at the first rejection, life would be much much better. At least I wouldn't dare to picture a future with him. But he decided that the first rejection wasn't enough, he wanted to reject me twice, and cruelly this time, because he gave me hopes for the future and he took everything back in a blink of an eye.
He made me send him songs that remind me of him.
One in a million by Hannah Montana. Gravity by fifty fifty. Bergema selamanya.
I felt like a fool. I still feel like a fool for being so in love with him, for being so easy, for falling into his sweet lies.
I know I just need some time and space.
It's been 2 weeks now. I feel better, I am. But I still feel like I'm not fully awake from the dream-turned-nightmare. I probably need something to wake me up for real. Something to make me feel like, yeah, it's over, you can wake up from the nightmare now, it's okay.
I need that. Anything, really.
But I'm standing up now. I'm standing up for myself.
I am strong.
I deserve someone better.
I deserve a better person.
I deserve someone who will choose me every second of the day, who will stand by me, who will cherish me through my ups and downs.
At least, I deserve to be on my side today and always.
Let's move on, Aida. You don't need him. He's happier now without you. And you can be happy too, without him. You can.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, December 16, 2025 | 11:50 PM |
0 Alien I'm in my resentment phase.
I hate how his friend Ali wanted to pity me over nothing. I posted a picture of a scenery because in my prev status of pasillo cafe, I said I loved the ambience. Hence, I posted the picture of the ambience on my status.
Then, this stupid b decided to reply with "deep". I asked, apa yang deep?
He replied, "Metafora. Deep."
I get it. He was implying that the rainy weather was my heart.
He probably pitied me bcs "oohh poor aida is now all heartbroken because she got rejected by her crush twice."
Honestly, it's so unnecessary for him to pity me.
He must've been the one to support Daus, obv, because he was the only one who knew about us. Because if he didn't support the man, the man would've come to his sense and idk work on the relationship, rather than bailing out.
He was the one to say, "jangan lama lama dengan Aida, Daus."
Well, yes, Daus did all the thinking. But he should've slapped some sense into him.
But you know what, whatever.
This just shows that Daus is not ready yet. He is not ready and he doesn't have the confidence to lead me. He's impulsive and he can't think straight. He keeps changing his thoughts every 2 weeks and he doesn't deserve my heart.
"Dia tak deserve hati awak yang tetap." -- Atifah
Honestly, he really doesn't deserve my heart. He doesn't deserve this soft spot I have for him.
Faten kata dia sedih baca ayat saya. Dia rasa saya matang, tenang, dan pandai ketepikan ego dan emosi saya. Dia kata dia nampak saya sangaaaaaat lembut when it comes to him. Saya cakap lembut dan baik je dengan dia, something yang lelaki lain tak dapat tengok pun.
Tbh saya sedih juga.
Tapi sekarang saya marah. Saya tak faham kenapa Ali yang tak pernah sibuk sibuk pasal aku sibuk nak kesiankan aku sekarang.
Kawan kau yang reject aku. Kawan kau yang perasaan tu berbolak-balik macam lalang. Kawan kau tu yang impulsive.
Tapi ya lah kawan kau juga yang aku suka dulu (dan sekarang tapi sekarang dah kurang sikit).
Tiba tiba masa tengah tengok kat tab favorites, scroll je lah, ada nama dia. Dia tengah typing as I'm writing this. Daripada pukul 11.14 lagi typing sampai sekarang. Idk dia nak type apa.
Either dia nak kata "let's block each other" or "saya minta maaf" or "saya menyesal" or "tolong jangan buat status yang awak patah hati, nanti kawan kawan awak salahkan saya."
Tah lah.
I can't read him at all.
But my heart is beating fast and I'm trembling a bit, and I hate how my body reacts to him.
It's 11.31 now. He still hasn't sent the text yet, tapi Atifah kata, jangan baik sangat. Okay, noted.
Aida Sabrina, you're a nice person, but don't be soft. Don't. Keep your chin up. Keep your head up high. Don't let tears fall because of him again. You're a woman of honor. You need to have some self-respect. If he decides to send the message, don't reply to him straightaway. Take your time. Take your time to breathe, to take some deeeeeeep breaths and clear your mind.
What he'll text might break you more. At this point, everything related to him will break you more.
So be tough. Have some self-respect and pack your things and go.
You may wanna stay, you may wanna change your mind and take him back, but he's impulsive. He's gonna break you again soon, once he changes his mind in a few days. And next time, it'll hurt a lot more than it does this time.
So, no. Don't be soft.
I know you're secretly hoping for him to feel your presence and change his mind. I know you're eager to know what he's typing for the past 20 mins. But trust me, your shattered heart is already in pieces. You can't let him into your life that easily again.
Hm
Tak boleh nak marah sebab dia baik.
Tapi thank God dia tak tarik balik keputusan dia. Dia baik sebab dia explain balik elok elok dan salahkan diri sendiri, rather than salahkan saya haritu.
Betullah dia tak bersedia :) betullah, sebab tu lah dia tiba tiba stop.
In a way, I think I got my closure already. This is acceptance now. I've forgiven him, now that he doesn't leave me on read and he has given me his explanation, tho I still hope he'll regret this decision sooner or later.
Bye, imma sleep soundly tonight, bcs I just got my closure ❤️
________________________________________________________________________________________
Monday, December 15, 2025 | 4:16 PM |
0 AlienFound this the first thing in the morning. I wanted it to work out so bad that I postponed praying istikharah. But once I did, only once, and here's the result. Me being heartbroken. It hasn't even been 5 days since I did my istikharah ha ha.
God had planned it in the way that I have actually asked for the OL a week earlier.
But I do believe that it's for the best. No more tears today. It's called accepting and letting go.
Maybe there's a delay because He wants me to be the best version of myself before I finally meet someone meant for me.
I think I'm hurt mostly because he keeps making promises. He promises the future for me, and then he takes everything back. Turns out he doesn't mean any of those words.
He's changed out of the sudden.
For someone who values consistency, his change is a sign of red flag. I ain't staying anyway.
It's not even a month yet, but he's already changing his thoughts a few times. I can't stay in a relationship where the other person keeps changing his mind every 1-2 business days. I need consistency. I need someone who can offer me some emotional stability. I need consistency.
And he certainly can't give me any of that.
Qistina kata I need to find someone who's a bit chill, who doesn't have a strong personality as well. Someone who can lead in certain areas, but most of the time, he's chill. But I don't want to lead most of the time. I don't want to use my brain.
Hence, I used to think he was good for me. Because he used his brain (not fully I guess now), when I didn't wanna use mine.
But yes, like the picture above, I want a man who stays grounded when I'm spiraling. I want a man who breathes when I tremble. I want a man who thinks straight when my mind is in the shambles.
Those are not him, apparently.
I deserve better. I deserve someone who chooses me over and over again. I deserve someone who puts all his efforts and treats me like they've been waiting for me all their life. I deserve someone who wants me.
He knows I'll be sad. He knows I'm disappointed in his decision. Hence, his sentence was "Saya betul betul minta maaf. Tolong jadi kuat dan move on."
You don't have to apologize if you don't mean it, Daus. Just like how you hate the phrase because people are never truly sorry for what they did, then don't be sorry. You're not sorry. Because if you're sorry, you won't do it. You would be begging for me to stay. You would try again. You would give us another shot.
But you didn't.
So, no, you're not sorry.
And I'm letting you go now.
I may be sad. I may be disappointed in how it turned out. But I'm not sorry. I didn't nothing wrong. I've accepted your decision and I won't look back. I won't.
I know that there is a small possibility that I would be soft and accept you again if you decide to turn around and beg for me. But I hope that's not the case, because I don't wanna be the fool. I don't wanna let myself be played again. I don't wanna be in love with the wrong person again.
Even if in my heart, you're still the right person...
But I know you're not.
Because if you are, you won't treat me this way. You won't hurt me like this. You won't be this cruel.
So it's fine. I'm letting you go now. Go, like the rain. Go. Find whatever you wanna find.
But I hope you'll feel my absence so bad you keep thinking about me. I hope you'll regret your decision soon. I hope you'll realize how stupid you are for deciding on your own. I hope you'll regret turning me down after I opened up to you, after I said "For once, I've found someone I want in my future. For once, I've found someone that I'm willing to tolerate with in life." It's a confession yet you don't appreciate it. You bat an eye and you turned me down. You let me down. I'm very very very disappointed in you, Muhammad Firdaus.
Go figure yourself out first, because while I'm now a whole, you're just fragments of yourself.
We're not meant to be.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Hi.
I'm back.
With a shattered heart.
I'm honestly trembling as I'm typing this out, but I need to sort my thoughts out.
I'm still trembling.
But I'm so proud of you, Aida Sabrina. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for being mature, for accepting and respecting his decision.
I've learned a lot about myself tonight.
1. I don't handle rejection too well. My body trembles a lot.
2. I can be level-headed. Wow, surprise surprise.
3. I don't explain a lot when I know the end is near. I won't swallow my pride and explain everything, especially when he doesn't ask for an explanation.
4. New trauma unlocked: liking someone :)
It's honestly a bit funny (in the saddest way possible btw) that I get rejected by the same person twice.
How is it possible that I'm allowing a person to reject me twice, in 2 consecutive months? That's just so pathetic!
First of all, out of all things, I have never thought I would be rejected for my 'religion'. That my understanding of religion is different from his. How different is different? I don't know. He never explains.
I remember saying smth like "Agama ni simple. If it's good for you by logic, then it's okay in Islam. If not, then obv it's not permissible in Islam." I said this after he was shocked knowing I didn't know kena cari lelaki yang macam mana dalam islam. Perempuan, ya, kena cari 4 benda, tapi dia cakap, pilihlah agama. No wonder lah dia cakap macam tu. Mungkin dia rasa agama aku tak cukup. Mungkin aku liberal sikit.
Second of all, he used the reason "awak strict in your decisions." I told him beforehand. Everyone around me knows the fact very well. I am strict. Tak pernah sorang pun kata I tak strict. I memang tegas. Dan dia kata dia banyak kekurangan. And he said, dia sedih / takut I akan tinggalkan dia bila I tak boleh tolerate dengan dia bila duduk sekali nanti.
It was so funny, btw, bcs he fucking convinced me he wouldn't be the one to leave me.
Look at us now. Look around.
Who's leaving who?
Third of all, he said "saya takde reason untuk teruskan."
That was my last straw.
There was no more holding onto an invisible string.
I'm letting go.
If he loves me enough, if he sayang me enough, that's reason enough to stay, to be the reason for us to at least try to work things out.
He decides everything on his own, and it's okay.
Thank God I memang OL esok. Mungkin it has been fated from the very beginning that this will end today, 14/12/25, 5 days before our taaruf monthsary, the day I turned 26 years 7 months.
Thank you for these past few weeks. We shared a cake, but that didn't bother you. That wasn't meaningful to you. Maybe it was farewell cake :)
I was such a fool to believe that there will be a next (4th) date. Funny me. Foolish me.
It's a lesson to learn.
Let's not like anyone now, thank you.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday, December 13, 2025 | 6:48 PM |
0 AlienTell me, really, how do I get rid of this pain?
I overthink, and I told him. I said, "can you at least give me an emoji every day so that I know you're not moving on?"
Atifah suggested it. She said it's the bare minimum — to give me an emoji whenever he thinks of me. To give me some kind of reassurance that he's there, tho away, but he's there.
So I told him. Even if I personally find it weird and a bit too clingy, I still texted him that. I swallowed my ego and texted him that.
But the only reply I received was "doa jee aidaa."
That's easy for you to say. You're the one who decided to cut contact with each other. You're the one who wanted it.
He said he's also overthinking, but he didnt reply me when I asked why.
I mean, he decided it. He's the captain of the ship and he steered the ship southward. I'm only the passenger. There's nothing much I can do about it.
But the thing is, it's only around a month into the relationship. Why is he so quick to change his mind? Is he falling out of love? Is he bored of me? Am I too easy that he thinks it's easy to treat me however the fuck he wants? Is he getting some sudden realization that I'm not the person he wants in life? Am I too boring?
I don't know. There are soo many questions I don't have the answer to, and I'm afraid to ask him those questions.
I think it's cruel how he makes me so attached to him, how he texts me every day, confessing his love towards me, saying he'll make me happy from now on, and like, just a few weeks after, he's taking it all back.
He decides that it's best to limit our communication, that it's best if we just pray and hope for the best.
Is that, really, the best decision?
Maybe he's falling out of love.
But I'm afraid I'll be cold towards him. I'm afraid I'll decide that I'm better off alone. I'm afraid my heart gets numb and I don't want him anymore.
And knowing me, it's 100% possible. Even Atifah said so.
I feel like a fool now.
It's funny how he makes me so happy for the past one month and then in a blink of an eye, when I'm so attached to him, he decides to drop the b*mb and limit our communication. He steals all my happiness away I can barely breathe. I can barely read any of those sad breakup quotes and not tear up.
I know happiness is fleeting. But it's too soon.
He should've picked a better time. He should've let me live in happiness for a while. He should've let me enjoy the date yesterday.
At this point, I think yesterday was our last date. I can see the end sooner or later, now that he's also overthinking things. Maybe he's second-guessing everything as well. Maybe he's now realized that I'm not the additional person he wants in his life.
This hurts more than the rejection the first time. This hurts more because he gave me the happiness, he made me spend so much time for him and with him and talking about him, and now he's taking my happiness away.
I can barely smile today, it hurts. It hurts that a guy makes me feel this shitty. It hurts that he's the one who makes me feel this way, when he said he'll make me happy from the day onwards.
Maybe it's true. Words from guys mean nothing. They don't carry any truth in them. Maybe he didn't mean anything he said.
Idk if it's my pms talking. I hope it's my pms talking.
Idk.
I'm sad, and I don't feel good.
Maybe the end is near.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Friday, December 12, 2025 | 11:47 PM |
0 AlienHi, I'm back, 3 dates later.
I finally have the time to write. Probably because my head is a mess and I need to keep my thoughts straight, especially now, after our third date.
1st date: 1/12/25 at NH Coffee
The day finally came, after almost 2 weeks of waiting. I was truly nervous. I turned out to be early, and I called Prem to get my head straight -- do I order first, or do I wait for him? But turned out, he was also early. I parked beside the window where he was sitting, and he probably see my bad side parking skill (it was actually good, but I miscalculated my move bcs I was nervous).
I saw him gasping the moment he saw me. I wore the Zoe Arisah pink kebaya that I wore the day after he rejected me.
We ordered and when we sat, it was so obvious how both of us were so awkward and nervous. I said, "I have 117 questions I prepared for you." And he was shocked. "117?! I only have 3 questions for you."
I said, takpe lah, we can start with your questions yang sikit tu. But he started by telling me about his family. Then I told him about mine.
Then we started with my 117 questions. I picked a few questions I wanted to know about him, and he answered all. Somewhere along the lines, he wanted to read all the questions. I said, okay, you can pick. But instead of picking some questions, he answered all questions. I love all his answers. I love how he took his time to think, and to give me the answer to all questions.
At one point, he asked me, what are you scared of?
And I said, "probably divorce."
There was a moment of silence between us, before he said, "but there's no such thing as divorce in the vocabulary of my life. I can guarantee you that. Well, unless if one of us cheats, then yes. But otherwise, no, no divorce for us."
At that moment, I was convinced that he was the person sent by God for me.
For a girl with torn family, I needed his security. I needed his confidence.
We talked for 4 hours straight. It was great. He talked most of the time. I mostly listened, as usual. I probably had a lot in my mind, and I didn't know how to put them into words.
But he was a total green flag, and I was happy.
There was, at one point, a sensitive topic came out and I asked him. He answered with honesty and that kinda hurt me. I mentioned it in our chat that night, and he apologized.
I slept waiting for his reply, and that night, I couldn't resist saying, "don't apologize. It makes me sad seeing you apologize. It's okay, bb. It's okay. It doesn't make me sayang you any less." And he replied, "saya tahu selfish, tapi tolong jangan lari. Saya boleh berubah. Saya tahu mana baik, mana buruk. Tapi saya perlukan awak untuk jadi baik. Saya tahu awak ada. Saya sayang awak jugak."
We chatted almost every day. He was always the best part of my day. And he was more straightforward in telling me about how much he likes me, how he sayang me, and how he thinks I'm pretty.
2nd date: 9/12/25 at Bingsu Lab
He asked me out after maghrib. I was initially okay with it, until I told Atifah, and she said, tak manis kalau berdua malam malam. True tho. I felt guilty. I was contemplating what should I tell my dad. I asked Daus, "If you were a dad, and your daughter wants to go out with a man you don't know at night, would you let her go?" He replied with a "no". No, yet he asked me out at night. Then, he replied, "it's okay, Aida, if you don't wanna go. I get it, it's not nice for you."
But I went to see him. I told my dad and he said okay.
When we sat, the first thing he said was, "Haah, tak baik ajak awak keluar malam. Saya takkan ajak awak keluar malam dah." He said he didn't think it through. In his mind, he just wanted to make me happy. Bcs he knew bingsu is my comfort food. And after maghrib was the only time we both could make it, bcs I worked until 5 (6, actually) and he was postcall.
He talked most of the time. Probably 90-95% of the time.
He asked me what was my best childhood memory. I couldn't answer him. I had no favorite childhood memory. In fact, I didn't know if I have any childhood memory. My mind probably decided to forget them bcs of the trauma.
And then he asked, "what was the time when you felt hopeless?"
I had a few in my mind, and I couldn't answer him either. Too many.
Towards the end, I wanted to pee so badly, so I couldn't really focus. It was 9.15 pm alrd. He said, "9.30 kita stop," but then I really couldn't hold my bladder, so I checked the time again. Receiving my sublte cue, he asked, "nak balik dah ke?" I nodded, and he said, "jom."
I felt bad that night, so I texted him my answer to the question the times when I felt most hopeless. I replied panjang panjang. Somewhere along the line, I told him, "if there's anything you don't like about me, or something you're mad about, please tell me. We can work things out. Except kalau dia tegur pasal makeup haha then, he said, "awak cantik pakai light makeup." "Saya rasa awak paling cantik bila postcall / balik kerja." "Saya rasa awak kalau bareface pun okay. Light makeup pun saya dah jatuh hati, bareface lagilah. Takpe, saya memang dah jatuh hati kat awak."
But he also said, "saya gembira bila awak gembira. Saya tahu awak gembira bila awak pakai makeup."
However, the next two days, it was a bit too obvious how he held back from texting me. He didn't text me like he used to.
Yesterday, he only texted me, "Salam aida, Kyaku cafe, 2.45 pm." That's it. :)
3rd date: 12/12/25 at Kyaku Cafe
It started out nice. Heck, it was perfect 95% of the date. We talked, we played games, we had a blast. At least, I enjoyed it a lot.
We shared a cake, and the cake was crazily good. Tiramisu. It was wonderful, fr.
I didn't know what to write, because somehow my mind went blurry.
The only thing I remembered was that towards the end of the date, at 5.44 pm, he said, "I thought about the other day. I thought about how I asked you out at night, and it's not nice. So I think we have to minimize our contact. By that means, we should only contact when it's necessary.
I told him to define what's necessary, and he only said "when you have questions to know about me."
That's true, tbh. That's the right way to do.
But I felt like it's a break-up. It's like he wants to be away from me.
But I know it's the right thing to do.
I said, "okay... okay..." And he paused, "what are you thinking?"
"I get it, I really do. But what's the difference between you and my other guy friends? It's not fun to know I'm gonna text someone else even more than I text you."
"Perempuan ni mulia, Perempuan perlu dihormati. So kita kena kurangkan text benda yang tak perlu. Lagipun, ni kali ketiga saya keluar dengan perempuan. Awak pun lebih kurang kan. Kita tak tahu apa akan jadi in the future."
It makes me sad, because he knows I need constant validation. I told him during our first date that I need constant validation. I need to know that he's there. And he said, during our first date, that he'll text me often despite being a bad texter.
I was so happy for the past few weeks because he was a part of my day, even if I didn't see him. I was so happy to know I finally have a person I can possibly call mine.
Well, I was-- until then.
Now I'm full of doubts. Is he bored of me? Does he feel like I'm clingy? Am I annoying him with my constant complaints about work? Maybe he's tired of me and he wants out. Maybe this is the start of him falling out of love from me.
Atifah told me to husnuzon. He just wants to honour me as a woman and treats me with respect. He doesn't want to take away my innocence. That's true, tho. That makes every single sense.
But can't he text me at least once every other day?
How am I going to know him if we minimize our contact?
Will we still meet each other again?
The funny thing was that, game card kita main tadi, siapa kalah, akan pilih tempat next date. Haha. Now I feel like a fool.
So kalau minimize contact, akan jumpa dia lagi ke tak? Ke memang strictly ws sahaja? Tapi kalau dah ws pun minimize only to questions about each other, then how?
I don't get it.
Okay lah, ni day 25 of my cycle. Maybe ni PMS je. Maybe I'm just sad bcs it's PMS.
But he seems fine with it. He can just go around with his day happily, but it's killing me.
I sent him today's pictures, and he didn't reply anything.
Maybe he didn't want the pictures in the first place.
Shit.
My heart hurts a lot typing this out. I can physically feel pain in my central chest, throbbing. A lump is growing in my throat as I'm thinking about how he's doing fine.
He said the other day, "Saya sayang awak, Aida. Kalau saya boleh putarkan masa, saya akan buat awak bahagia."
You don't have to turn back the time to make me happy. You can make me happy now.
Idk. I feel hopeless. I feel like I can see the end of us.
Maybe it's too soon.
Maybe I'm just not the person he wants.
Because if he truly wants me, he should've worked for me. He should've seen me and made me feel seen and wanted. I mean, yeah, he did those until 2 days ago. Something changed in him, and I didn't like it quite a bit.
I didn't like how he said it's quite too early for us to know each other, since my aim is to get married in Oct 2026. Idk.
If he's good for me, may God ease everything for me.
If not, then it's honestly a bit sad, because I was so vulnerable to him. I don't think I'm able to open up my heart for anyone else after this. But I hope it's not the case :)
I should just enjoy my youth, whatever happens.
If he wants me, he knows where to find me. I hope he'll miss me the way I miss him.
If not, then I guess that's it.
I don't need a person who won't treat me right. I don't need someone who treats me like I'm not an important person in their life.
So, yeah, that's basically my life updates so far.
We're approaching the end of 2025, and even though I hope I'll end the year with happiness and love and not being single, I should prepare for the worst.
See you again, next time, with better news, hopefully.
If not, it's okay, Spring, it's okay.
PAST ♥ FUTURE
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
