________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________ Hi.________________________________________________________________________________________ Tell me, really, how do I get rid of this pain? ________________________________________________________________________________________

Hi, I'm back, 3 dates later.

I finally have the time to write. Probably because my head is a mess and I need to keep my thoughts straight, especially now, after our third date.

1st date: 1/12/25 at NH Coffee

The day finally came, after almost 2 weeks of waiting. I was truly nervous. I turned out to be early, and I called Prem to get my head straight -- do I order first, or do I wait for him? But turned out, he was also early. I parked beside the window where he was sitting, and he probably see my bad side parking skill (it was actually good, but I miscalculated my move bcs I was nervous).

I saw him gasping the moment he saw me. I wore the Zoe Arisah pink kebaya that I wore the day after he rejected me. 

We ordered and when we sat, it was so obvious how both of us were so awkward and nervous. I said, "I have 117 questions I prepared for you." And he was shocked. "117?! I only have 3 questions for you."

I said, takpe lah, we can start with your questions yang sikit tu. But he started by telling me about his family. Then I told him about mine. 

Then we started with my 117 questions. I picked a few questions I wanted to know about him, and he answered all. Somewhere along the lines, he wanted to read all the questions. I said, okay, you can pick. But instead of picking some questions, he answered all questions. I love all his answers. I love how he took his time to think, and to give me the answer to all questions. 

At one point, he asked me, what are you scared of?

And I said, "probably divorce."

There was a moment of silence between us, before he said, "but there's no such thing as divorce in the vocabulary of my life. I can guarantee you that. Well, unless if one of us cheats, then yes. But otherwise, no, no divorce for us."

At that moment, I was convinced that he was the person sent by God for me.

For a girl with torn family, I needed his security. I needed his confidence.

We talked for 4 hours straight. It was great. He talked most of the time. I mostly listened, as usual. I probably had a lot in my mind, and I didn't know how to put them into words.

But he was a total green flag, and I was happy.

There was, at one point, a sensitive topic came out and I asked him. He answered with honesty and that kinda hurt me. I mentioned it in our chat that night, and he apologized. 

I slept waiting for his reply, and that night, I couldn't resist saying, "don't apologize. It makes me sad seeing you apologize. It's okay, bb. It's okay. It doesn't make me sayang you any less." And he replied, "saya tahu selfish, tapi tolong jangan lari. Saya boleh berubah. Saya tahu mana baik, mana buruk. Tapi saya perlukan awak untuk jadi baik. Saya tahu awak ada. Saya sayang awak jugak."

We chatted almost every day. He was always the best part of my day. And he was more straightforward in telling me about how much he likes me, how he sayang me, and how he thinks I'm pretty.

2nd date: 9/12/25 at Bingsu Lab

He asked me out after maghrib. I was initially okay with it, until I told Atifah, and she said, tak manis kalau berdua malam malam. True tho. I felt guilty. I was contemplating what should I tell my dad. I asked Daus, "If you were a dad, and your daughter wants to go out with a man you don't know at night, would you let her go?" He replied with a "no". No, yet he asked me out at night. Then, he replied, "it's okay, Aida, if you don't wanna go. I get it, it's not nice for you."

But I went to see him. I told my dad and he said okay. 

When we sat, the first thing he said was, "Haah, tak baik ajak awak keluar malam. Saya takkan ajak awak keluar malam dah." He said he didn't think it through. In his mind, he just wanted to make me happy. Bcs he knew bingsu is my comfort food. And after maghrib was the only time we both could make it, bcs I worked until 5 (6, actually) and he was postcall. 

He talked most of the time. Probably 90-95% of the time. 

He asked me what was my best childhood memory. I couldn't answer him. I had no favorite childhood memory. In fact, I didn't know if I have any childhood memory. My mind probably decided to forget them bcs of the trauma.

And then he asked, "what was the time when you felt hopeless?"

I had a few in my mind, and I couldn't answer him either. Too many.

Towards the end, I wanted to pee so badly, so I couldn't really focus. It was 9.15 pm alrd. He said, "9.30 kita stop," but then I really couldn't hold my bladder, so I checked the time again. Receiving my sublte cue, he asked, "nak balik dah ke?" I nodded, and he said, "jom."

I felt bad that night, so I texted him my answer to the question the times when I felt most hopeless. I replied panjang panjang. Somewhere along the line, I told him, "if there's anything you don't like about me, or something you're mad about, please tell me. We can work things out. Except kalau dia tegur pasal makeup haha then, he said, "awak cantik pakai light makeup." "Saya rasa awak paling cantik bila postcall / balik kerja." "Saya rasa awak kalau bareface pun okay. Light makeup pun saya dah jatuh hati, bareface lagilah. Takpe, saya memang dah jatuh hati kat awak."

But he also said, "saya gembira bila awak gembira. Saya tahu awak gembira bila awak pakai makeup."

However, the next two days, it was a bit too obvious how he held back from texting me. He didn't text me like he used to. 

Yesterday, he only texted me, "Salam aida, Kyaku cafe, 2.45 pm." That's it. :)

3rd date: 12/12/25 at Kyaku Cafe

It started out nice. Heck, it was perfect 95% of the date. We talked, we played games, we had a blast. At least, I enjoyed it a lot. 

We shared a cake, and the cake was crazily good. Tiramisu. It was wonderful, fr.

I didn't know what to write, because somehow my mind went blurry.

The only thing I remembered was that towards the end of the date, at 5.44 pm, he said, "I thought about the other day. I thought about how I asked you out at night, and it's not nice. So I think we have to minimize our contact. By that means, we should only contact when it's necessary.

I told him to define what's necessary, and he only said "when you have questions to know about me."

That's true, tbh. That's the right way to do.

But I felt like it's a break-up. It's like he wants to be away from me.

But I know it's the right thing to do.

I said, "okay... okay..." And he paused, "what are you thinking?"

"I get it, I really do. But what's the difference between you and my other guy friends? It's not fun to know I'm gonna text someone else even more than I text you."

"Perempuan ni mulia, Perempuan perlu dihormati. So kita kena kurangkan text benda yang tak perlu. Lagipun, ni kali ketiga saya keluar dengan perempuan. Awak pun lebih kurang kan. Kita tak tahu apa akan jadi in the future."

It makes me sad, because he knows I need constant validation. I told him during our first date that I need constant validation. I need to know that he's there. And he said, during our first date, that he'll text me often despite being a bad texter. 

I was so happy for the past few weeks because he was a part of my day, even if I didn't see him. I was so happy to know I finally have a person I can possibly call mine. 

Well, I was-- until then.

Now I'm full of doubts. Is he bored of me? Does he feel like I'm clingy? Am I annoying him with my constant complaints about work? Maybe he's tired of me and he wants out. Maybe this is the start of him falling out of love from me.

Atifah told me to husnuzon. He just wants to honour me as a woman and treats me with respect. He doesn't want to take away my innocence. That's true, tho. That makes every single sense.

But can't he text me at least once every other day?

How am I going to know him if we minimize our contact?

Will we still meet each other again?

The funny thing was that, game card kita main tadi, siapa kalah, akan pilih tempat next date. Haha. Now I feel like a fool. 

So kalau minimize contact, akan jumpa dia lagi ke tak? Ke memang strictly ws sahaja? Tapi kalau dah ws pun minimize only to questions about each other, then how?

I don't get it.

Okay lah, ni day 25 of my cycle. Maybe ni PMS je. Maybe I'm just sad bcs it's PMS.

But he seems fine with it. He can just go around with his day happily, but it's killing me.

I sent him today's pictures, and he didn't reply anything. 

Maybe he didn't want the pictures in the first place.

Shit.

My heart hurts a lot typing this out. I can physically feel pain in my central chest, throbbing. A lump is growing in my throat as I'm thinking about how he's doing fine.

He said the other day, "Saya sayang awak, Aida. Kalau saya boleh putarkan masa, saya akan buat awak bahagia."

You don't have to turn back the time to make me happy. You can make me happy now.

Idk. I feel hopeless. I feel like I can see the end of us. 

Maybe it's too soon.

Maybe I'm just not the person he wants.

Because if he truly wants me, he should've worked for me. He should've seen me and made me feel seen and wanted. I mean, yeah, he did those until 2 days ago. Something changed in him, and I didn't like it quite a bit.

I didn't like how he said it's quite too early for us to know each other, since my aim is to get married in Oct 2026. Idk. 

If he's good for me, may God ease everything for me.

If not, then it's honestly a bit sad, because I was so vulnerable to him. I don't think I'm able to open up my heart for anyone else after this. But I hope it's not the case :)

I should just enjoy my youth, whatever happens.

If he wants me, he knows where to find me. I hope he'll miss me the way I miss him.

If not, then I guess that's it.

I don't need a person who won't treat me right. I don't need someone who treats me like I'm not an important person in their life. 

So, yeah, that's basically my life updates so far.

We're approaching the end of 2025, and even though I hope I'll end the year with happiness and love and not being single, I should prepare for the worst. 

See you again, next time, with better news, hopefully.

If not, it's okay, Spring, it's okay.

________________________________________________________________________________________

 You know how I got rejected by him earlier this November?

Instead of moving on, I moved a few steps backwards-- not just me. Us. We're moving a few steps backwards. 

One day, exactly 12 days after I confessed to him and he rejected me, he messaged me and asked me out, if I still want to know him.

That was honestly shocking. He asked me when I was clerking a nc. I replied terus je when he msged me bcs I thought he was gonna ask wad kosong ke tak. 

Suddenly, man replied, "aku nak ajak kau keluar kalau kau masih nak berkenalan."

I GASPED. 

WHAT EVEN WAS THAT?

That happened exactly a week ago (19/11/25). I still couldn't believe it happened for real.

And being me, being a straightforward person, I only replied, "Okay. Bila?"

And he said 1/12/25. I said okay. 

I kept my replies short and straightforward. Bcs I didn't know how expressive I could be. I was afraid of showing how much I wanted that to happen.

Wallah, for the past 12 days, even though I accepted the outcome and felt so relieved after confessing, I wouldn't lie -- it was hard to move on. I listened to "Hidup Dalam Mati" and "Can you die from a broken heart" on repeat. I skipped "Gravity by Fifty Fifty" bcs it's the theme song of liking him. 

You push and pull me like gravity

I fall for you, every part of me

You push and pull me like gravity

Insanity, I'm losing my mind

Coming back to the story, he mentioned that 1/12/25 tu lambat lagi. But I said, takpe. Okay je.

Suddenly, he wrote: "Aida, aku tak pernah buat benda ni dan aku tak pandai. Tapi aku takde niat untuk main main atau dating je."

It hit me right in the heart. It touched me a lot I had to digest the words he typed. 

But he said, "kalau kau lagi prefer berkenalan kat ws, okay je tapi aku reply lambat. Kalau tak, aku nak ajak kau jumpa 1/12/25."

Knowing him, I'd rather see him face to face. Man talks a lot ftf, while member kat ws hambar haha. Dulu lah, dulu. Sekarang tak hambar, flirty je. Ee cringe bila tulis macam ni tapi betullah.

I told my girls about it, after 2 days. It took me 2 days to process the whole thing, and I was curious as to why he suddenly made a u-turn and asked me to go out with him. I mean-- he rejected me. It was clear, it was fast, it was respectable. I respected his decision and I accepted it. 

But when he decided to change his mind, I went confused.

What happened?

Stina told me to ask him straightaway, bcs if he decided he didn't wanna know you more, then he's not serious.

So I asked him. And he said, yes, he didn't have a plan for a relationship before. But he kept thinking about me, and I'm nice, and I'm kinda pretty as well, so he thought why not. There goes his plan to live happily ever after.

But then he said, "lambat jugak nak tunggu 1/12. Sambung je lah hari hari tagging."

Bcs of that, I told him, he can ask me any questions through ws, bcs I'm a fast replier. 

Since then, our conversations are seamless. They only stop bcs it's alrd too late at night and he's tagging. He'd be like, "okay awak, assalammualaikum." And I'd reply with "good night" and he'd reply the same. I kinda love how he'd use assalammualaikum. That's so soft. 

We talked about random random things. I usually wait until 10.30 pm ish for him to text me first, bcs he's tagging. But he didn't text me last night, and it made me kinda sad, but I was very sleepy btw. I slept around 11.15 pm, and today, when I suddenly opened IG, turned out he DM-ed me.

"Hi hello assalammualaikum, nama saya Muhammad Firdaus."

Oh how the tables have turned. I've even asked Atifah and Prem whenever he says smth flirty, "Why does it seem as if he's the one who likes me and I'm the neutral one?"

Man flirts like it's his second nature, that kinda scares me a little (in a good way) bcs I never knew this man has this side of him!

He asked me the other day, umur kau berapa? I asked, kalau saya 30, awak tarik balik ke? But then, he replied, "kalau you, I still berkenalan."

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

CAN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING INSIDE?!?!?!?!

And I asked him about M**za, out of pure curiosity.

Because earlier that day, she said she likes manly people who doesn't have that much ego, like him. Then she asked me, who my crush is, and she guessed him. And suddenly, she said, "Awak tak sesuai langsung dengan Daus. Hm. Daus? Ee tak sesuai lah korang. Carilah orang lain. Jangan Daus."

I was a bit sad tbh.

But Atifah said, "dalam hidup ni, awak hanya kena dengar pendapat orang yang sayang awak, dan awak pun sayang orang tu."

Atifah shipped me with him. Faten also shipped me with him. Prem too.

It's enough, I guess. 

So, anyway, I asked him haha I was thinking of asking him face-to-face sebab tak nak lah nampak macam jeles sangat.

But boiiiii, the way my man explained it was top-notched. I love the way he started explaining from the very beginning.

And being me, the straightforward girl, again, I asked, "So apa beza confession dia dengan saya? Awak kan rapat dengan dia. Kenapa awak nak berkenalan dengan saya pula?" 

And he replied with:

"Sebab cara awak cakap lembut, dan awak cantik. Dan mungkin saya suka awak."

I GASPED.

HE TOOK ALL OF MY BREATH AWAY BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

WHAT'S UP WITH THE SUDDEN CONFESSION?!

WHAT WAS THAT?!

And recently, he implied about having a life together in the future.

We were talking about cats, and he said dia tak rasa dia boleh tengok kucing dia LO lagi. Then, I asked, "so awak tak nak jaga kucing dah ke?" And he replied, "Awak lah jaga."

Haih.

Cair lah kita :(

I tunjuk kat Faten, then she was like OMG OMG AIDA!!!

I ws dia pasal yang dia dm kat IG, and he replied, "Maklumlah, tengah mengejar wanita."

He'd use the word 'wanita' rather than perempuan, which is so romantic btw. Tho it sounds weird.

But boy, you don't have to chase me.

You can just stay there and you'll be found.

You can hold the carrot, and I'll walk towards you.

You already have me in the palm of your hand.

But tbh I'm honored. I love how you made efforts rather than waiting for me to make any efforts (bcs I won't, bcs I don't wanna seem clingy and annoying).

I just won't start messaging him first bcs I know he's tired, and I'm tolerating. 

But tbh I think we should find some common ground, bcs I need to know his limits. I can't keep holding myself back, it hurts. Every time I hold back, it kills something inside me, and I hate that.

I think we'll find the common ground next Monday.

I'll update you later.

Wish me luck!

I'm telling my mom, btw. 

Daus, because I'm serious about you, you're gonna be the first man I'll tell my mom about. I hope she'll like you, but I know for sure she'll like you. 

I mean, you have my heart. It ain't easy to make me fall for anyone, but yea, you're the man.

See you later!

________________________________________________________________________________________ Hey you. 

Labels: diary, love rants

PAST ♥ FUTURE

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Mine ;
Name : A!da $abr!na
Nicknames : A!da/$abr!na/Angel/BDA/Blue Diamond Angel/Alien/Dodo/Clown/Aidada/Chanyeol's Wifey
Korean name : Park Angelina
Birthday : 14th May 1999
State : EXO Planet, Earth, Saturn
Status : Officially taken by Chanyeol

Likes ;
☆ Kpop
☆ Chanyeol
☆ Blogging
☆ McFlurry Oreo
☆ Geronimo Stilton
☆ Fanfics
☆ Rapping

Hates ;
☆ Anons
☆ Copypasters
☆ Kpop haters
☆ Haters
☆ Annoying person
☆ Liars

Facts ;
◕‿◕ Currently studying in SMART
◕‿◕ I express my feelings through fictions
◕‿◕ Sometimes I think I'm good in writing and sometimes I think I'm not
◕‿◕ Deep inside me, I want to write an English novel on my own
◕‿◕ Creating posters is one of my hobbies actually
◕‿◕ Love to read English novels but never really finish reading every word in them
◕‿◕ I can get so touched when I read sad fictions
◕‿◕ I love to collect quotes from fictions
◕‿◕ I only read angst fictions- kinda
◕‿◕ Wish I can be fluent in Arabic, English, Korean, Japanese, Mandarin and Urdu ASAP
◕‿◕ I don't really like to do the same thing over and over again. Get sick of it seriously
◕‿◕ I have flaws but I'm thankful for that
◕‿◕ I want someone who doesn't care about me embarrassing myself. Example: If I accidentally make fun of myself, then he would laugh and then he would say things like "haha you're so embarrassing but who cares? My love for you won't ever change." Cheesy enough heh?
◕‿◕ And I want that someone to love me for being random. Example: When I write about random things out of the topic we're talking about, he would be saying things like, oh you're so random, why do I like you in the first place and such. Too cheesy I kennot
◕‿◕ Sometimes I talk too much
◕‿◕ I am so not romantic but I love romantic things but I'm so geli with all those romance thingy

"Capture well the moment because it is evanescent."

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Sya-Syahirah | Ana Marlina | Ana Min-Ji | My Lost Star | You're Cold, I like! | Loving You Secretly | Can't You See? | Blue Diamond Angel | Chanyeol's Wifey | ASK BDA

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Stories of De Angel

I express my feelings by writing stories.

Synopsis !

Prologue !

Chapter 1 !

Chapter 2 !

Coming soon !

______________________________________________________________________________________________

My Asianfanfics Fictions

My Lost Star !

Can't You See? !

Coming soon !

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Recommended Fanfics

My Crazy Hot Aliens !

My Crazy Hot Aliens II: The Invasion !

My Arranged Marriage with EXO-K's Sehun !

A Taste Of Your Own Medicine !

Murder In The Dark !

Yellow Dahlias !

Love Letters !

Coming Soon !

Accepting & letting go

Monday, December 15, 2025 | 4:16 PM | 0 comments

Found this the first thing in the morning. I wanted it to work out so bad that I postponed praying istikharah. But once I did, only once, and here's the result. Me being heartbroken. It hasn't even been 5 days since I did my istikharah ha ha.

God had planned it in the way that I have actually asked for the OL a week earlier. 

But I do believe that it's for the best. No more tears today. It's called accepting and letting go.

Maybe there's a delay because He wants me to be the best version of myself before I finally meet someone meant for me.

I think I'm hurt mostly because he keeps making promises. He promises the future for me, and then he takes everything back. Turns out he doesn't mean any of those words.

He's changed out of the sudden. 

For someone who values consistency, his change is a sign of red flag. I ain't staying anyway.

It's not even a month yet, but he's already changing his thoughts a few times. I can't stay in a relationship where the other person keeps changing his mind every 1-2 business days. I need consistency. I need someone who can offer me some emotional stability. I need consistency. 

And he certainly can't give me any of that.

Qistina kata I need to find someone who's a bit chill, who doesn't have a strong personality as well. Someone who can lead in certain areas, but most of the time, he's chill. But I don't want to lead most of the time. I don't want to use my brain.

Hence, I used to think he was good for me. Because he used his brain (not fully I guess now), when I didn't wanna use mine.

But yes, like the picture above, I want a man who stays grounded when I'm spiraling. I want a man who breathes when I tremble. I want a man who thinks straight when my mind is in the shambles. 

Those are not him, apparently.

I deserve better. I deserve someone who chooses me over and over again. I deserve someone who puts all his efforts and treats me like they've been waiting for me all their life. I deserve someone who wants me.

He knows I'll be sad. He knows I'm disappointed in his decision. Hence, his sentence was "Saya betul betul minta maaf. Tolong jadi kuat dan move on."

You don't have to apologize if you don't mean it, Daus. Just like how you hate the phrase because people are never truly sorry for what they did, then don't be sorry. You're not sorry. Because if you're sorry, you won't do it. You would be begging for me to stay. You would try again. You would give us another shot.

But you didn't.

So, no, you're not sorry.

And I'm letting you go now.

I may be sad. I may be disappointed in how it turned out. But I'm not sorry. I didn't nothing wrong. I've accepted your decision and I won't look back. I won't. 

I know that there is a small possibility that I would be soft and accept you again if you decide to turn around and beg for me. But I hope that's not the case, because I don't wanna be the fool. I don't wanna let myself be played again. I don't wanna be in love with the wrong person again.

Even if in my heart, you're still the right person... 

But I know you're not. 

Because if you are, you won't treat me this way. You won't hurt me like this. You won't be this cruel.

So it's fine. I'm letting you go now. Go, like the rain. Go. Find whatever you wanna find. 

But I hope you'll feel my absence so bad you keep thinking about me. I hope you'll regret your decision soon. I hope you'll realize how stupid you are for deciding on your own. I hope you'll regret turning me down after I opened up to you, after I said "For once, I've found someone I want in my future. For once, I've found someone that I'm willing to tolerate with in life." It's a confession yet you don't appreciate it. You bat an eye and you turned me down. You let me down. I'm very very very disappointed in you, Muhammad Firdaus. 

Go figure yourself out first, because while I'm now a whole, you're just fragments of yourself.

We're not meant to be.

New trauma unlocked: liking someone

| 1:03 AM | 0 comments

Hi.

I'm back.

With a shattered heart.

I'm honestly trembling as I'm typing this out, but I need to sort my thoughts out.

I'm still trembling. 

But I'm so proud of you, Aida Sabrina. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for being mature, for accepting and respecting his decision. 

I've learned a lot about myself tonight.

1. I don't handle rejection too well. My body trembles a lot.

2. I can be level-headed. Wow, surprise surprise. 

3. I don't explain a lot when I know the end is near. I won't swallow my pride and explain everything, especially when he doesn't ask for an explanation.

4. New trauma unlocked: liking someone :)

It's honestly a bit funny (in the saddest way possible btw) that I get rejected by the same person twice.

How is it possible that I'm allowing a person to reject me twice, in 2 consecutive months? That's just so pathetic! 

First of all, out of all things, I have never thought I would be rejected for my 'religion'. That my understanding of religion is different from his. How different is different? I don't know. He never explains. 

I remember saying smth like "Agama ni simple. If it's good for you by logic, then it's okay in Islam. If not, then obv it's not permissible in Islam." I said this after he was shocked knowing I didn't know kena cari lelaki yang macam mana dalam islam. Perempuan, ya, kena cari 4 benda, tapi dia cakap, pilihlah agama. No wonder lah dia cakap macam tu. Mungkin dia rasa agama aku tak cukup. Mungkin aku liberal sikit.

Second of all, he used the reason "awak strict in your decisions." I told him beforehand. Everyone around me knows the fact very well. I am strict. Tak pernah sorang pun kata I tak strict. I memang tegas. Dan dia kata dia banyak kekurangan. And he said, dia sedih / takut I akan tinggalkan dia bila I tak boleh tolerate dengan dia bila duduk sekali nanti.

It was so funny, btw, bcs he fucking convinced me he wouldn't be the one to leave me.

Look at us now. Look around.

Who's leaving who?

Third of all, he said "saya takde reason untuk teruskan."

That was my last straw.

There was no more holding onto an invisible string.

I'm letting go.

If he loves me enough, if he sayang me enough, that's reason enough to stay, to be the reason for us to at least try to work things out. 

He decides everything on his own, and it's okay.

Thank God I memang OL esok. Mungkin it has been fated from the very beginning that this will end today, 14/12/25, 5 days before our taaruf monthsary, the day I turned 26 years 7 months.

Thank you for these past few weeks. We shared a cake, but that didn't bother you. That wasn't meaningful to you. Maybe it was farewell cake :)

I was such a fool to believe that there will be a next (4th) date. Funny me. Foolish me.

It's a lesson to learn.

Let's not like anyone now, thank you.

Starting from level 0

Saturday, December 13, 2025 | 6:48 PM | 0 comments

Tell me, really, how do I get rid of this pain? 

I overthink, and I told him. I said, "can you at least give me an emoji every day so that I know you're not moving on?" 

Atifah suggested it. She said it's the bare minimum — to give me an emoji whenever he thinks of me. To give me some kind of reassurance that he's there, tho away, but he's there. 

So I told him. Even if I personally find it weird and a bit too clingy, I still texted him that. I swallowed my ego and texted him that. 

But the only reply I received was "doa jee aidaa."

That's easy for you to say. You're the one who decided to cut contact with each other. You're the one who wanted it. 

He said he's also overthinking, but he didnt reply me when I asked why. 

I mean, he decided it. He's the captain of the ship and he steered the ship southward. I'm only the passenger. There's nothing much I can do about it. 

But the thing is, it's only around a month into the relationship. Why is he so quick to change his mind? Is he falling out of love? Is he bored of me? Am I too easy that he thinks it's easy to treat me however the fuck he wants? Is he getting some sudden realization that I'm not the person he wants in life? Am I too boring? 

I don't know. There are soo many questions I don't have the answer to, and I'm afraid to ask him those questions. 

I think it's cruel how he makes me so attached to him, how he texts me every day, confessing his love towards me, saying he'll make me happy from now on, and like, just a few weeks after, he's taking it all back. 

He decides that it's best to limit our communication, that it's best if we just pray and hope for the best.

Is that, really, the best decision?

Maybe he's falling out of love.

But I'm afraid I'll be cold towards him. I'm afraid I'll decide that I'm better off alone. I'm afraid my heart gets numb and I don't want him anymore.

And knowing me, it's 100% possible. Even Atifah said so. 

I feel like a fool now.

It's funny how he makes me so happy for the past one month and then in a blink of an eye, when I'm so attached to him, he decides to drop the b*mb and limit our communication. He steals all my happiness away I can barely breathe. I can barely read any of those sad breakup quotes and not tear up. 

I know happiness is fleeting. But it's too soon. 

He should've picked a better time. He should've let me live in happiness for a while. He should've let me enjoy the date yesterday. 

At this point, I think yesterday was our last date. I can see the end sooner or later, now that he's also overthinking things. Maybe he's second-guessing everything as well. Maybe he's now realized that I'm not the additional person he wants in his life. 

This hurts more than the rejection the first time. This hurts more because he gave me the happiness, he made me spend so much time for him and with him and talking about him, and now he's taking my happiness away. 

I can barely smile today, it hurts. It hurts that a guy makes me feel this shitty. It hurts that he's the one who makes me feel this way, when he said he'll make me happy from the day onwards. 

Maybe it's true. Words from guys mean nothing. They don't carry any truth in them. Maybe he didn't mean anything he said. 

Idk if it's my pms talking. I hope it's my pms talking.

Idk. 

I'm sad, and I don't feel good. 

Maybe the end is near. 

Moving more backwards; minimizing contact

Friday, December 12, 2025 | 11:47 PM | 0 comments

Hi, I'm back, 3 dates later.

I finally have the time to write. Probably because my head is a mess and I need to keep my thoughts straight, especially now, after our third date.

1st date: 1/12/25 at NH Coffee

The day finally came, after almost 2 weeks of waiting. I was truly nervous. I turned out to be early, and I called Prem to get my head straight -- do I order first, or do I wait for him? But turned out, he was also early. I parked beside the window where he was sitting, and he probably see my bad side parking skill (it was actually good, but I miscalculated my move bcs I was nervous).

I saw him gasping the moment he saw me. I wore the Zoe Arisah pink kebaya that I wore the day after he rejected me. 

We ordered and when we sat, it was so obvious how both of us were so awkward and nervous. I said, "I have 117 questions I prepared for you." And he was shocked. "117?! I only have 3 questions for you."

I said, takpe lah, we can start with your questions yang sikit tu. But he started by telling me about his family. Then I told him about mine. 

Then we started with my 117 questions. I picked a few questions I wanted to know about him, and he answered all. Somewhere along the lines, he wanted to read all the questions. I said, okay, you can pick. But instead of picking some questions, he answered all questions. I love all his answers. I love how he took his time to think, and to give me the answer to all questions. 

At one point, he asked me, what are you scared of?

And I said, "probably divorce."

There was a moment of silence between us, before he said, "but there's no such thing as divorce in the vocabulary of my life. I can guarantee you that. Well, unless if one of us cheats, then yes. But otherwise, no, no divorce for us."

At that moment, I was convinced that he was the person sent by God for me.

For a girl with torn family, I needed his security. I needed his confidence.

We talked for 4 hours straight. It was great. He talked most of the time. I mostly listened, as usual. I probably had a lot in my mind, and I didn't know how to put them into words.

But he was a total green flag, and I was happy.

There was, at one point, a sensitive topic came out and I asked him. He answered with honesty and that kinda hurt me. I mentioned it in our chat that night, and he apologized. 

I slept waiting for his reply, and that night, I couldn't resist saying, "don't apologize. It makes me sad seeing you apologize. It's okay, bb. It's okay. It doesn't make me sayang you any less." And he replied, "saya tahu selfish, tapi tolong jangan lari. Saya boleh berubah. Saya tahu mana baik, mana buruk. Tapi saya perlukan awak untuk jadi baik. Saya tahu awak ada. Saya sayang awak jugak."

We chatted almost every day. He was always the best part of my day. And he was more straightforward in telling me about how much he likes me, how he sayang me, and how he thinks I'm pretty.

2nd date: 9/12/25 at Bingsu Lab

He asked me out after maghrib. I was initially okay with it, until I told Atifah, and she said, tak manis kalau berdua malam malam. True tho. I felt guilty. I was contemplating what should I tell my dad. I asked Daus, "If you were a dad, and your daughter wants to go out with a man you don't know at night, would you let her go?" He replied with a "no". No, yet he asked me out at night. Then, he replied, "it's okay, Aida, if you don't wanna go. I get it, it's not nice for you."

But I went to see him. I told my dad and he said okay. 

When we sat, the first thing he said was, "Haah, tak baik ajak awak keluar malam. Saya takkan ajak awak keluar malam dah." He said he didn't think it through. In his mind, he just wanted to make me happy. Bcs he knew bingsu is my comfort food. And after maghrib was the only time we both could make it, bcs I worked until 5 (6, actually) and he was postcall. 

He talked most of the time. Probably 90-95% of the time. 

He asked me what was my best childhood memory. I couldn't answer him. I had no favorite childhood memory. In fact, I didn't know if I have any childhood memory. My mind probably decided to forget them bcs of the trauma.

And then he asked, "what was the time when you felt hopeless?"

I had a few in my mind, and I couldn't answer him either. Too many.

Towards the end, I wanted to pee so badly, so I couldn't really focus. It was 9.15 pm alrd. He said, "9.30 kita stop," but then I really couldn't hold my bladder, so I checked the time again. Receiving my sublte cue, he asked, "nak balik dah ke?" I nodded, and he said, "jom."

I felt bad that night, so I texted him my answer to the question the times when I felt most hopeless. I replied panjang panjang. Somewhere along the line, I told him, "if there's anything you don't like about me, or something you're mad about, please tell me. We can work things out. Except kalau dia tegur pasal makeup haha then, he said, "awak cantik pakai light makeup." "Saya rasa awak paling cantik bila postcall / balik kerja." "Saya rasa awak kalau bareface pun okay. Light makeup pun saya dah jatuh hati, bareface lagilah. Takpe, saya memang dah jatuh hati kat awak."

But he also said, "saya gembira bila awak gembira. Saya tahu awak gembira bila awak pakai makeup."

However, the next two days, it was a bit too obvious how he held back from texting me. He didn't text me like he used to. 

Yesterday, he only texted me, "Salam aida, Kyaku cafe, 2.45 pm." That's it. :)

3rd date: 12/12/25 at Kyaku Cafe

It started out nice. Heck, it was perfect 95% of the date. We talked, we played games, we had a blast. At least, I enjoyed it a lot. 

We shared a cake, and the cake was crazily good. Tiramisu. It was wonderful, fr.

I didn't know what to write, because somehow my mind went blurry.

The only thing I remembered was that towards the end of the date, at 5.44 pm, he said, "I thought about the other day. I thought about how I asked you out at night, and it's not nice. So I think we have to minimize our contact. By that means, we should only contact when it's necessary.

I told him to define what's necessary, and he only said "when you have questions to know about me."

That's true, tbh. That's the right way to do.

But I felt like it's a break-up. It's like he wants to be away from me.

But I know it's the right thing to do.

I said, "okay... okay..." And he paused, "what are you thinking?"

"I get it, I really do. But what's the difference between you and my other guy friends? It's not fun to know I'm gonna text someone else even more than I text you."

"Perempuan ni mulia, Perempuan perlu dihormati. So kita kena kurangkan text benda yang tak perlu. Lagipun, ni kali ketiga saya keluar dengan perempuan. Awak pun lebih kurang kan. Kita tak tahu apa akan jadi in the future."

It makes me sad, because he knows I need constant validation. I told him during our first date that I need constant validation. I need to know that he's there. And he said, during our first date, that he'll text me often despite being a bad texter. 

I was so happy for the past few weeks because he was a part of my day, even if I didn't see him. I was so happy to know I finally have a person I can possibly call mine. 

Well, I was-- until then.

Now I'm full of doubts. Is he bored of me? Does he feel like I'm clingy? Am I annoying him with my constant complaints about work? Maybe he's tired of me and he wants out. Maybe this is the start of him falling out of love from me.

Atifah told me to husnuzon. He just wants to honour me as a woman and treats me with respect. He doesn't want to take away my innocence. That's true, tho. That makes every single sense.

But can't he text me at least once every other day?

How am I going to know him if we minimize our contact?

Will we still meet each other again?

The funny thing was that, game card kita main tadi, siapa kalah, akan pilih tempat next date. Haha. Now I feel like a fool. 

So kalau minimize contact, akan jumpa dia lagi ke tak? Ke memang strictly ws sahaja? Tapi kalau dah ws pun minimize only to questions about each other, then how?

I don't get it.

Okay lah, ni day 25 of my cycle. Maybe ni PMS je. Maybe I'm just sad bcs it's PMS.

But he seems fine with it. He can just go around with his day happily, but it's killing me.

I sent him today's pictures, and he didn't reply anything. 

Maybe he didn't want the pictures in the first place.

Shit.

My heart hurts a lot typing this out. I can physically feel pain in my central chest, throbbing. A lump is growing in my throat as I'm thinking about how he's doing fine.

He said the other day, "Saya sayang awak, Aida. Kalau saya boleh putarkan masa, saya akan buat awak bahagia."

You don't have to turn back the time to make me happy. You can make me happy now.

Idk. I feel hopeless. I feel like I can see the end of us. 

Maybe it's too soon.

Maybe I'm just not the person he wants.

Because if he truly wants me, he should've worked for me. He should've seen me and made me feel seen and wanted. I mean, yeah, he did those until 2 days ago. Something changed in him, and I didn't like it quite a bit.

I didn't like how he said it's quite too early for us to know each other, since my aim is to get married in Oct 2026. Idk. 

If he's good for me, may God ease everything for me.

If not, then it's honestly a bit sad, because I was so vulnerable to him. I don't think I'm able to open up my heart for anyone else after this. But I hope it's not the case :)

I should just enjoy my youth, whatever happens.

If he wants me, he knows where to find me. I hope he'll miss me the way I miss him.

If not, then I guess that's it.

I don't need a person who won't treat me right. I don't need someone who treats me like I'm not an important person in their life. 

So, yeah, that's basically my life updates so far.

We're approaching the end of 2025, and even though I hope I'll end the year with happiness and love and not being single, I should prepare for the worst. 

See you again, next time, with better news, hopefully.

If not, it's okay, Spring, it's okay.

Moving a few steps backwards

Wednesday, November 26, 2025 | 10:44 PM | 0 comments

 You know how I got rejected by him earlier this November?

Instead of moving on, I moved a few steps backwards-- not just me. Us. We're moving a few steps backwards. 

One day, exactly 12 days after I confessed to him and he rejected me, he messaged me and asked me out, if I still want to know him.

That was honestly shocking. He asked me when I was clerking a nc. I replied terus je when he msged me bcs I thought he was gonna ask wad kosong ke tak. 

Suddenly, man replied, "aku nak ajak kau keluar kalau kau masih nak berkenalan."

I GASPED. 

WHAT EVEN WAS THAT?

That happened exactly a week ago (19/11/25). I still couldn't believe it happened for real.

And being me, being a straightforward person, I only replied, "Okay. Bila?"

And he said 1/12/25. I said okay. 

I kept my replies short and straightforward. Bcs I didn't know how expressive I could be. I was afraid of showing how much I wanted that to happen.

Wallah, for the past 12 days, even though I accepted the outcome and felt so relieved after confessing, I wouldn't lie -- it was hard to move on. I listened to "Hidup Dalam Mati" and "Can you die from a broken heart" on repeat. I skipped "Gravity by Fifty Fifty" bcs it's the theme song of liking him. 

You push and pull me like gravity

I fall for you, every part of me

You push and pull me like gravity

Insanity, I'm losing my mind

Coming back to the story, he mentioned that 1/12/25 tu lambat lagi. But I said, takpe. Okay je.

Suddenly, he wrote: "Aida, aku tak pernah buat benda ni dan aku tak pandai. Tapi aku takde niat untuk main main atau dating je."

It hit me right in the heart. It touched me a lot I had to digest the words he typed. 

But he said, "kalau kau lagi prefer berkenalan kat ws, okay je tapi aku reply lambat. Kalau tak, aku nak ajak kau jumpa 1/12/25."

Knowing him, I'd rather see him face to face. Man talks a lot ftf, while member kat ws hambar haha. Dulu lah, dulu. Sekarang tak hambar, flirty je. Ee cringe bila tulis macam ni tapi betullah.

I told my girls about it, after 2 days. It took me 2 days to process the whole thing, and I was curious as to why he suddenly made a u-turn and asked me to go out with him. I mean-- he rejected me. It was clear, it was fast, it was respectable. I respected his decision and I accepted it. 

But when he decided to change his mind, I went confused.

What happened?

Stina told me to ask him straightaway, bcs if he decided he didn't wanna know you more, then he's not serious.

So I asked him. And he said, yes, he didn't have a plan for a relationship before. But he kept thinking about me, and I'm nice, and I'm kinda pretty as well, so he thought why not. There goes his plan to live happily ever after.

But then he said, "lambat jugak nak tunggu 1/12. Sambung je lah hari hari tagging."

Bcs of that, I told him, he can ask me any questions through ws, bcs I'm a fast replier. 

Since then, our conversations are seamless. They only stop bcs it's alrd too late at night and he's tagging. He'd be like, "okay awak, assalammualaikum." And I'd reply with "good night" and he'd reply the same. I kinda love how he'd use assalammualaikum. That's so soft. 

We talked about random random things. I usually wait until 10.30 pm ish for him to text me first, bcs he's tagging. But he didn't text me last night, and it made me kinda sad, but I was very sleepy btw. I slept around 11.15 pm, and today, when I suddenly opened IG, turned out he DM-ed me.

"Hi hello assalammualaikum, nama saya Muhammad Firdaus."

Oh how the tables have turned. I've even asked Atifah and Prem whenever he says smth flirty, "Why does it seem as if he's the one who likes me and I'm the neutral one?"

Man flirts like it's his second nature, that kinda scares me a little (in a good way) bcs I never knew this man has this side of him!

He asked me the other day, umur kau berapa? I asked, kalau saya 30, awak tarik balik ke? But then, he replied, "kalau you, I still berkenalan."

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

CAN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING INSIDE?!?!?!?!

And I asked him about M**za, out of pure curiosity.

Because earlier that day, she said she likes manly people who doesn't have that much ego, like him. Then she asked me, who my crush is, and she guessed him. And suddenly, she said, "Awak tak sesuai langsung dengan Daus. Hm. Daus? Ee tak sesuai lah korang. Carilah orang lain. Jangan Daus."

I was a bit sad tbh.

But Atifah said, "dalam hidup ni, awak hanya kena dengar pendapat orang yang sayang awak, dan awak pun sayang orang tu."

Atifah shipped me with him. Faten also shipped me with him. Prem too.

It's enough, I guess. 

So, anyway, I asked him haha I was thinking of asking him face-to-face sebab tak nak lah nampak macam jeles sangat.

But boiiiii, the way my man explained it was top-notched. I love the way he started explaining from the very beginning.

And being me, the straightforward girl, again, I asked, "So apa beza confession dia dengan saya? Awak kan rapat dengan dia. Kenapa awak nak berkenalan dengan saya pula?" 

And he replied with:

"Sebab cara awak cakap lembut, dan awak cantik. Dan mungkin saya suka awak."

I GASPED.

HE TOOK ALL OF MY BREATH AWAY BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

WHAT'S UP WITH THE SUDDEN CONFESSION?!

WHAT WAS THAT?!

And recently, he implied about having a life together in the future.

We were talking about cats, and he said dia tak rasa dia boleh tengok kucing dia LO lagi. Then, I asked, "so awak tak nak jaga kucing dah ke?" And he replied, "Awak lah jaga."

Haih.

Cair lah kita :(

I tunjuk kat Faten, then she was like OMG OMG AIDA!!!

I ws dia pasal yang dia dm kat IG, and he replied, "Maklumlah, tengah mengejar wanita."

He'd use the word 'wanita' rather than perempuan, which is so romantic btw. Tho it sounds weird.

But boy, you don't have to chase me.

You can just stay there and you'll be found.

You can hold the carrot, and I'll walk towards you.

You already have me in the palm of your hand.

But tbh I'm honored. I love how you made efforts rather than waiting for me to make any efforts (bcs I won't, bcs I don't wanna seem clingy and annoying).

I just won't start messaging him first bcs I know he's tired, and I'm tolerating. 

But tbh I think we should find some common ground, bcs I need to know his limits. I can't keep holding myself back, it hurts. Every time I hold back, it kills something inside me, and I hate that.

I think we'll find the common ground next Monday.

I'll update you later.

Wish me luck!

I'm telling my mom, btw. 

Daus, because I'm serious about you, you're gonna be the first man I'll tell my mom about. I hope she'll like you, but I know for sure she'll like you. 

I mean, you have my heart. It ain't easy to make me fall for anyone, but yea, you're the man.

See you later!

A letter for you; moving on

Monday, November 17, 2025 | 12:07 AM | 0 comments

Hey you. 

I did it. I confessed to you. 

I expected your answer, and surprisingly, it didn't hurt me as much as I thought it would. In fact, I'm glad I did it. I still am. 

I'm happy with the fact that I received my answer and not heing stuck with the immeasurable what ifs. 

I'm relieved that I get to pack my feelings and move on. 

So, this is it.

Thank you for these good feelings for the past 1 year and a month. It's been good liking a good person like you.

I did it for myself. The confession was for myself, and my present self is happy with the outcome ❤️

Thank you, dear self, for confessing.

That was my first and last time confessing to people, btw. There won't be a next time. Bcs next time, I wanna be chased. I wanna be confessed at. I wanna be the one he fell for first. 

Until next time. 

Till we meet again, in a different post, regarding a different person. 

Bye. 

Labels: diary, love rants