I've been addicted to this song -- Cry Ugly by FLO -- since last night.
And I was like, oh I couldn't really relate to the lyrics.
But the morning came and sht, the lyrics got kinda relatable.
"Don't tell me you love me. If I'm still here tomorrow, you're lucky. Boy, you got me looking in the mirror like fck me. Baby, you know how to make a pretty girl cry ugly."
Except I didn't cry ugly.
I got tears rolling down my cheeks but I'm pretty (im feeling shtty btw)
It started last night. We had a conversation and I said "baik sayangggg, saya sayang awak."
I was left on read for God knows how many mins, then he replied with "saya nak start oncall dah sayang."
Then I pointed out how he didn't reply to my message and he replied with "sayangggg awakkk jugakkk" but he was late, and it was honestly just half-hearted in my eyes.
Then I wrote nak merajuk, and he only replied at 4am, telling me about how pecah resus was. Didn't even pujuk me. Instead, I was the one comforting him. I was the one reassuring him. Me. The one who wanted to merajuk. He took it lightly.
And somewhere along the way, he answered a question from ig.
Last night he sent me a reel of Nouman saying that the purpose of marriage is for peace. And he asked me, awak tenang tak dengan saya? And I said yes. Then I asked, awak tenang tak dengan saya? Not the ideal version of me. But the version of me sekarang. Awak tenang tak?
Then replied at whatapp like this:
[09:48, 9/6/2026] Firdaus Darkutni 🐋: Saya tak suka tipu. Saya jujur je walaupun ianya tak menarik. Saya gembira dengan awak and saya sayangg awak. Bila dengan awak saya suka and gembira. Cuma saya selalu risau dengan awak, saya rasa awak faham. Saya kenal awak, saya terharu and gembira sangat bila awak jaga diri. Mungkin ketenangan tu nanti akan ada🙂. Saya pun berdoa , saya percaya dengan doa
Not convincing.
In other words, he's not at peace with me. He doesn't find peace in me.
Took him an hour to ask, "awak marah? Jangan sedih, saya nak dengan awak. Saya pilih awak."
I haven't replied to him yet bcs I'M FUCKING BOILING WITH ANGER RIGHT NOW.
Cakap senang lah.
I want you.
I choose you.
I love you whatsoever.
But if you can't find peace in me, if you can't force yourself to find peace in me, to only focus on the good things and find peace in me, then what's the point?
What's the point of staying in a relationship where you don't find peace in your significant other?
With the hope that it'll come one day?
That peace will knock on your door and say "Hey, I'm finally here. Now be peaceful with her."
What if peace never knocks on your door?
What if you never get to find peace in me?
Just call off the wedding?
Or we're married then just divorce me?
Because you're waiting for the peace you're unsure when will come?
I'm extra cranky because if day 39 of my cycle and I'm not sure when I'll be having my period. But because I'm so mad, I think it's best I'm giving him the silent treatment.
He has never felt my wrath anyway.
He never experienced me pulling away.
It has always been me being the emotional regulator of our relationship. It's always me doing the job. It's always me being available all the time.
And I'm tired.
He can't even reassure me when I need him to.
I'm tired.
I wanna be the one being consoled sometimes.
I wanna feel safe being weak around him.
I wanna feel like I'm not carrying this emotional burden alone.
So I'm taking a break.
At least for a few hours.
Just to calm myself down.
Because I don't trust myself right now.
Because I wanna call it off. I wanna lash out and call it off.
Even when I don't mean any of it.
Because I'm cranky and emotional and I wanna make a drama out of nothing.
And I'd regret it because I love him so much I wanna die.
I love him so much I'm so ashamed of acknowledging it.
I love him so much despite everything.
I love him so much despite the 2 rejections.
I love him so much I took him back even without knowing he's a changed man.
I love him so much I gave him a second chance even when my best friend was against it.
So I'm utterly at loss of words when he said he hasn't found peace in me.
I'm disappointed.
I'm mad.
But it's mostly hurt.
Hurt, because why is it so hard for him to find peace in me?
Am I not enough?
I guess I'm not.
At least not that enough for you to find peace in me.
And it's sad, isn't it?
And pathetic. It's mostly pathetic that I'm in this position.
You always say that you're afraid of me leaving you. But from the evidence that we have, it was you leaving me.
And even with this silent treatment, just 2 hours, you haven't begged me to stay. You still haven't convinced me to stay.
Is it because you know I'll stay?
Is it because you don't love me enough?
Is it because you don't treasure me enough?
I made it really easy for you and that's just pathetic for me. It was so fcking easy for you to get me because I made it so fcking easy for you. You can give 0.1% efforts and I'd be pathetically happy, and that's just so sad.
What if I put my guards up?
Will you move towards me?
Will you convince me to stay?
Will you beg me to stay?
I don't really wanna call it off.
But I'm so disappointed. So so so so disappointed at the fact that you don't find peace in me.
I feel like a clown.
I feel like a fool.
:)
So let me stay away for awhile, even for a few hours.
But I hope you'll fight for me.
I hope you'll fight for us.
Because at this point, I'm not strong enough to fight for me, let alone for us.
You have to fight for me, for us.
Because if you don't, then idk if I'll stay.
Because I can't stay in a relationship where my significant other doesn't find peace in me, and is hoping that the peace will come somehow.
I don't like the uncertainty.
I hate it.
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
