I have a lot to tell that idk how to start.
Okay, lemme start by telling you the dynamic of me and daus first.
Right now, it's going great between us. He updates me his daily life, I update him about my day. Sometimes I initiate the conversation, and sometimes he starts texting me first. I've learned that it's okay if I keep initiating the conversations, because I'm an ENFP. I'm random. I have a lot of thoughts in my mind, and I want to share them with him. He'd always engage in my thoughts no matter how random they are, and I really appreciate it.
He always notices the little things I did. He noticed I started becoming more of myself during our recent meet-up. He noticed i duduk bersila masa awal awal that he was like "uish lain macam". He noticed I was not okay. He notices a lot of things that I honestly can't really mention because those are subtle but he notices and he remembers.
He'd prefer calls rather than texts when it comes to deciding our future (read: family, planned meeting with parents). InsyaAllah he'll be meeting by parents this 25th July. I just need to find the perfect time to tell my parents.
The thing about him is that he's too respectful. He texted Atifah and asked her to let me go out with him to talk about the meeting. Her response was not satisfactory. She was like, "kalau aku tak bagi pun kau keluar jugak kan dengan dia berdua? Aku bukan mak dia, kalau mak dia bagi, siapalah aku nak halang." In a way, I feel like there's a hint of judgemental in the tone. In a way, I rasa macam while dia memang judge daus, dia judge me as well. He told her first that he was planning to meet my parents. Idk i don't really like the fact that he tells her first.
If only he pours the same efforts into my mom as well.
Do the same thing.
Ask her whenever he wants to bring me out.
I hope he does that.
And then Atifah told me, "awak tak berfikir when it comes to him."
I find that hurtful.
At first, I accepted it. Sure, I wasn't thinking.
But I think about it, again and again. I reflect on it. And now I've come to the conclusion that:
I do, in fact, consider a lot of things when it comes to him.
First, I considered my feelings. I weighed the pros and cons of accepting him back into my life. And I've decided that I'm fonder of the pros, so I let him into my life again. I gave him a second chance, and he hasn't fucked it up yet. Instead, he seems like a changed man. He seems more mature, more 'actions than talk'. He seems more serious. He seems more future-oriented while regretting the past.
Then, I considered our values. Our boundaries -- less communication with the opposite sex, less selfies, modesty in clothing. Sure, these are mostly from him. But because he has already taken care of himself. He's reserved, and I'm not jealous of other girls, because there's no other girls. Our families -- the difference in our upbringing, the culture, the possibilities of being accepted/rejected in the family. Our future -- where we're gonna work, live, how many children we want, what if we can't have one. Our differences -- he's more of a "think first, talk later" kind of person, while I'm the kind of "talk first, think while talking or after." He processes things inward, while I do it outward. But he's becoming more transparent with me, and I honestly appreciate it a lot.
So, no, I'm not the kind of person who doesn't think when it comes to him.
I think. I reflect. And my conclusion is the same:
I still want him in my life.
Honestly, the fact that he couldn't wait any longer is quite cute. At first, I gave him a deadline: September, before I finish my HOship. Then recently he was thinking of August. And then, more recently, he wanted to meet my parents in July.
We often voice call nowadays. He'd always ask if he can call me. Tapi paling recent was this morning, and he heard my deep raspy morning voice T_T I told him "awak cakap je lah, saya tak nak cakap, suara saya macam ni." Lepastu he was like, "kenapa? awak sore throat ke?" Then I said, "tak, saya baru bangun tidur. Suara saya macam ni, tak sedap." Then I could hear him smiling from the other side of the line as he said, "seronok juga dengar suara awak macam ni. Saya suka."
The thing is, it's deep and raspy. And I'm honestly scared if he has a different thought. But I trust him.
Pagi tadi, he texted me multiple times cerita pasal patient pregnant USOD, VE 8 cm, then os fully. He sounded so excited telling me. I just noticed that the messages have gap, meaning that he attended the pt then at the same time he texted me as well. So kyoot my baby. Really appreciate it.
Okay, good night.
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
