He's back back.
Like back into my life.
Not that he was out of my life back then, but yeah, he kinda was.
I mean, 6 months without any contact? Yup, that man was physically away from my life. But mentally, in my heart, he was not.
You know how much efforts I made to make myself believe that I'm doing fine. To believe that I'm making some sort of progress in my life, to believe that I'm moving on from him.
6 months, and he came back, and I acted as if those 6 months were nothing.
Even Atifah said so.
But in my defense, I learned a lot about myself.
- 1. I'm kind
I'm kind kind bcs wdym I only wished him well when he broke my heart into pieces? Wdym I congratulated him for being an MO and even offered the information that one of the main reasons I liked him back then was bcs of his work ethics?
Crazy.
And when I think about it again today, it was just because I'm kind.
I often overlooked the fact that I'm kind. But Asma' used to say that to me. She said her mom said she had to look after me bcs I'm always so kind to people. "Aida baik sangat." Mak dia kata macam tu.
- 2. I love with all my heart
Which made me kinda stupid, if you were to ask me. I won't lie to myself and say I don't love him. I can't lie to myself and say that the feelings are gone, bcs they are pretty much still there.
- 3. I'm soft-hearted when it comes to the people I love
Instead of being mad at him, I gave him a chance. I took him back. I allowed him into my life as if nothing happened.
Atifah was so mad at me.
I was mad at myself as well.
But I knew I needed this. I knew I would torture my future self with what ifs if I didn't give him a chance. I knew I would be guessing all the possibilities that could happen if I didn't give him the opportunity to redeem himself.
In fact, this was his first time coming back after messing up.
I knew Atifah said this is the second time, but to be honest, this is only the first time.
The other one Atifah mentioned didn't countβ bcs earlier, he rejected me because he didn't wanna give me false hopes. And when he came back, he was considering things, even if he didn't think things through. He was scared of how real everything was, and he withdrew.
But now he's back, and I hope it's for the better.
If not, then I guess it's to teach me to never love a guy that much anymore.
But rather than being so excited about him, I put my guards up a little bit. I allow him to make actions. I allow him to act like he wants me. I allow him to gather the courage and court me.
This time, he keeps mentioning about how he's scared about the next step, but he knows he needs to do it anyway. He knows he needs to meet my parents before I finish HOship.
And honestly?
If he doesn't, then that's it. No more chance.
That's the deadline I'm giving him.
Because meeting parents doesn't mean you're getting married right away. But it's an important step in a relationship; to show that you're serious.
He's wasted 6 months. I can't let him keep wasting my time. So if he's still scared and refuses to meet my parents by September this year, then it's the end of waiting.
I gotta make up my mind and go.
I gotta be the first one to leave, just as usual.
And maybe, just maybe, it won't be as painful as it was back then.
But I truly hope that's not the case.
I hope he's serious now. I hope he's ready. I hope that even if he's scared, he'll make the step anyway, because he wants me in his life. Because the need to have me is bigger than his fear.
I hope so.
This time, he does seem certain. He keeps repeating things that show me that he's serious about me. He opens up to me. He talks about his concerns, he talks about his family, he talks about his day, and he includes me in his thought processes.
Honestly, that's growth.
And I'm proud of him.
I'm scared, tbh. You alrd know how hard it is for me to move on, but now I'm making his foolish decision to let him back into my heart.
But I'm certain I want him.
And I hope he's certain that he wants to stay in my life.
Let's hope for the best, shall we?
If anything, I'm proud of you, Sabrina.
I met him face to face the other day, before it all happened. I met him on a random thursday evening to seek for answers to the questions I need to know. I gathered my courage to meet him. I faced the awkward situation. I didn't break down.
Honestly, I almost broke down.
When he said he thought he probably wouldn't get married until he's 30ish, where his father would probably find him someone and force him to marry her. I smiled and looked away, because it pained me to imagine that I probably am seeing the version of him that would never be ready for marriage, while the girl, the other person, might meet him at a point where he's finally ready to settle down. Idk the thought was just painful.
But somewhere, along the lines, I gathered the courage and asked him, "do you think i akan suka sesiapa je ke? Like I'd see a random guy on the street and I'd like him?"
He said no.
And I said the most vulnerable thing, "Saya memilih kawan. Kawan saya tak ramai sebab saya pilih kawan kawan saya. But in a sense, saya pilih awak."
There was a moment of silence before he nodded and said, "saya pilih awak juga." He repeated it a few times within a few sentences.
Then he said, saya tahu saya nak apa cuma saya tak tahu nak buat macam mana. I asked, awak nak apa?
He answered, "saya nak awak. Saya pilih awak."
Haih
The blatant truth caught me off guard.
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Update: 6/7/26
It's almost 1 month since we started talking again. Around 3 weeks alrd.
If I were being honest, this was about the time back then when he suddenly changed and decided to put a stop between us.
These past few days, I have been initiating the conversations.
Around last week, he would text me first and tell me how his shift was. But nowadays he doesn't do that anymore? I mean-- yeah, he just did last night, but I started the conversation first.
Now he got me thinking, what if I stop initiating the conversation altogether?
Will there be anything between us?
He's postcall today and will oncall tonight. But it makes no sense how he doesn't give me the same energy.
Maybe I'm just being emotional.
Me: Saya baru siap clerk 1 pt mva, sb fawwaz tapi member tak tengok pt pun lagi, efast pun belum buat tapi member busy clerking juga sobs yellow pecah sangat sangat π Dr engku arif bising bising pasal tak follow dia round (tapi saya tbh penat dan annoyed sebab baru je round dengan dr tinesh), tapi nasib baik dr afiq datang dan kata nak round the other side, so terselamat lah daripada dengar dia bebel bebel π« cuma dr afiq tanya banyak soalan knowledge untuk saya yang otak dah fried, takleh brain zz tapi saya suka round dengan dr afiq sebab rasa macam belajar sikit, walaupun orang kata dia gatal sebab dia memang asyik tanya perempuan je
Him: Maybe, tapi jangan cakap macam tu wakk. Perkataan βgatalβ tu melebih. Dr Afiq suka mengajar, and sebab dia lelaki, banyak dia tanya perempuan. Takde la lebih2, so jangan cakap.
Me: Okay wak.
Then I wrote:
Me: Saya tbh happy sikit dapat tengok awak sikit sikit tadi, tak lah sakit hati sangat dengan ubai sebab bila sakit hati je nampak awak
Him: *sticker*
I don't like the reply.
I don't like being vulnerable and not getting the same heartfelt message. I don't like putting my guard down only for him to reply me with a sticker.
It makes me think that the end will come soon. It makes me think that the cycle will happen again. Because the last time, I wrote, "you make me wanna tolerate things." That was more than "I love you" to me. But he ended up cutting ties with me on the same night :')
I won't lie if I say it doesn't hurt.
In fact, my heart stings a bit more as I'm typing this.
I know I shouldn't let the past haunt me, especially since I was the one who allowed him to enter my life again. I chose this. And it's unfair for me to keep holding onto the past, esp since he seems like he's a changed man.
But is he, really, changed?
Or is the like all the other men who only like the chase?
Am I being a bit too easy for me because he didn't have to prove anything to me?
I mean, sure, he told his parents. He discussed things with his parents.
But his dad told him not to rush things.
And when I hypothetically asked him, "what if your parents don't like me?" Then he paused and said, "berkat keluarga tu penting." He paused again and said, "but I'm Muhammad Firdaus, and my voice has a value in the family. I think they'll listen to me."
Anyway, I've sent him a message a few hours ago. He hasn't replied yet despite daripada single tick tu dah jadi double tick for a few hours dah. I sent his a link to youtube video about nouman ali khan talking about finding peace in marriage. Maybe he didn't want it as much as I want.
Okay whatever.
If he wants me then he gotta work for me.
I'll stop initiating the conversation starting tomorrow.
I guess I'll be back later, not sure with good or bad news. Hopefully with good news.
Idk.
I'm giving him a chance because I don't wanna torture my future self with 'what ifs'.
Okay goodbye.
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
