I texted him first.
Our mutual friend, Yap, changed his profile picture to his old profile picture. I happened to refer Yap a few times that day, and with Yap's new dp, it stirred something in me. Some kind of nostalgia. Some emotional connection.
So I texted him first at 9pm.
"Yap baru tukar dp jadi dp awak yang lama. Terkejut saya haha lol ok tu je."
He didn't reply that night.
But he replied at 4-ish am the next day.
Our conversation was short and slightly awkward. But he still wrote awak-saya with me, which was quite of a relief. I'm honestly would be so sad if he uses kau-aku with me after everything.
After all, I was the person who opened his heart and made his consider marriage at a point in his life.
Well, now he's texting me. Right now.
He's asking for a favor, but idk what. Am still waiting for him to reply.
Update:
He told me to marah him :') Dahlah memaksa haha menekan nekan member suruh kita marah dia :')
Tak tahulah wak, saya tak marah awak sangat pun.
Saya disappointed je dengan awak, tu je. Sedih, sebab saya bodoh when it comes to love. I followed my own nafs and it led me to this heartbreak. I handed you my heart with the thought that you'd keep it safe, only for you to crush it in your own hands and mouth an apology months later.
It's been 5 months. It's honestly a bit too late to tell me that you're not okay, that you're feeling guilty about the whole thing. But that's just it, you know. You're just feeling guilty. Whatever you've experienced -- the inability to function well, the vomiting after overindulging -- those are the consequences of the choices that YOU made. You've made those choices, and you had to pay for them, so you should know better.
So why are you coming back, knocking on my peaceful door after five whole months, just to say that you're feeling guilty and that you were not okay?
You know it's wrong for you to text me, but you did it anyway. You were being selfish. You texted me seeking for comfort and being the foolish person I am, I let you. Intentionally. I allowed you to seek comfort from me. I reassured you that I was fine.
But I'm not, Firdaus.
I'm not fine.
You keep running in my mind the moment I wake up till I sleep. You keep appearing in my thoughts whenever my brain has some time to wander around. You make me a hopeless romantic in despair and I am still, stupidly, in love with you. I know deep inside me that there are a few hopeful voices praying for you to come back.
But I don't want you to come back after everything you've put me through.
You don't deserve to come back.
You don't deserve my love after everything you've done to me.
You're a coward, and you'll always be a coward. You're emotionally incapable of loving me. You're emotionally incapable of meeting me in the middle. You refused to meet me in the middle, intentionally. So no matter how much my stupid heart longs for you, I know rationally that you don't deserve me.
I deserve better.
I deserve someone who puts me first.
I deserve someone who chooses me intentionally.
I deserve someone who will work his way to keep me in his life, not someone who will run away when things are feeling off.
And because of that, I'm choosing myself now. I'm letting you go.
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
