We worked again, today.
I was just thinking yesterday, "I need to move on." And then the schedule came out, and turned out we'd work at the same station today LOL I was kinda excited yesterday, but I was also sad bcs I knew I'd fall for him hard.
It was true tho.
I fell for him hard.
I fell so hard I wanted to cry bcs I hate putting myself in this difficult position. I hate being cruel to myself by letting me like a person who would never like me back. I hate allowing myself to have feelings for the person who sees me nothing but a mere colleague.
The thing I hate the most about liking him is that he can just exist and I'm already out of breath. He can do nothing, and I'd be drawn to him.
The whole day, he didn't do anything out of the ordinary.
But he was there.
He was just there, and I couldn't stop feeling comfortable talking to him.
I wanted to know more about him -- hence, I asked a lot of questions -- and he was more than happy to give me the answers I wanted.
Okay, but tbh, he was kinda nice today.
Let's start with the morning, shall we, while I still remember the whole story.
I want to remember today.
Even if in the future, I won't like him anymore, I still want to remember today.
Because today, he made me realize that I do want a man with good faith in God, a man with strong principles in his faith.
So, it started with us habis round semua, then we took bloods stat. Then I noticed he said 'saya' with our Chinese girl colleague, H*w. And in my heart, I was like, "oh boleh je dia cakap saya?" But he went back and forth with I - saya - aku with her. Couldn't deny I felt tinyyyyyy bit of jealousy. Macam budak budak lol benda kecil je pun tapi nak jealous jugak lol
Then, kita duduk je kat meja buat discharges, and we were just talking about random random things. He asked H dah posting keberapa, posting apa awal awal, then they talked about ortho suka refer benda pelik pelik. Then, he mentioned, "Atifah kalau masuk ortho ni, mesti dia marah marah MO ortho sebab refer benda bodoh bodoh." And we laughed, bcs it was soooo funny (yet true).
Then, we talked about how I mentioned dia pandai mengelat, ryles tube first time masuk masa third posting kat medical, blood cns first time ambil masa second posting kat O&G. Then, he laughed and admitted that dia memang pandai mengelat.
Somehow along the way, our social energy depleted, so we were just on our phones for a good 10 minutes, before he suddenly stood up, saying, "Aida, aku pergi dulu. Apa apa kau call tau."
Fast forward 30 mins later, masa I tengah makan dengan H dekat hospimart, I received a call from Dr J, asking me to go to NICU to help review zone 3 and 6. Then, I asked H to come with me, then I called him.
"Awak, dr minta kita review zone 3 dengan zone 6."
"Dr minta kau sorang je ke kita semua?"
"Dr tak mention, tapi kalau ramai ramai kan laju sikit."
And then, suddenly, H showed me the message in group.
"Aida jaga NICU harini."
LAHHHHHHHHH!!! Pukul 11 baru nak suruh aku jaga NICU T_T
Then, I accidentally said out loud, "shitttt." Then, he was like, "Apa? Kenapa? Apa yang shit?"
Me being whiny, "Dr J suruh saya jaga NICU harini. Aaaaaa saya tak nakkkk T_T Cane ni aaaa tak nak jaga NICU sobs" then I hung up lol.
I went to NICU with H, but then H takut Dr J marah ramai ramai kat NICU, so dia keluar balik. I pun review lah Z6. But then, suddenly, SN tegur, "Dr bawa geng ke review?"
I tengok luar, ohhhhhh. My man was there.
He entered Z6 and asked, "mana belum review lagi?" H pun datang. He was gonna help me rv, but then Dr J came and said to him, "awak tolong Dr Arif review kat Z5."
Review jadi laju sebab ramai, lepastu habis je review, I pergi sambung makan dekat pantry. Lama gila makan, sampai lupa ada BG pukul 12. But ofc, my man being my man, he took the blood. Tiba tiba he called me and said, "Aida, tolong snap review pt ni. Aku nak update Dr BG result ni terus alang alang."
Then, habis tu, sementara tunggu pm review pukul 2, we had a conversation regarding Islam. This is when I fell for him hard.
It started with H asking, "memang dalam Islam tak boleh merokok ke?" Then I answered, "In Islam, if the risks are more than benefits, then it's not permissible. So macam rokok, alcohol, tu tak boleh lah sebab the risks are more than benefits." I was going with just the bigger concepts, and then, man continued, "Dalam Quran, takde lah specific tak boleh merokok. Tapi dalam Quran ada mention pasal arak. Cuma Islam, as a whole, its teaching is more towards the guidelines for a good lifestyle. It's mostly a guideline on how to live your life the right way, the healthy way."
I love love love how he explained a lot about Islam to H, and for a second, I thought he was an IIUM graduate HAHAHA man was more islamic than me :)
But in the end, we were saying things like, "ofc, there's a guideline, but its individualized. Some people are strict with the guidelines, some people take it lightly."
Then, he mentioned about how dekat R**sia, he wouldn't eat any chicken/meat there. But masa awal awal sampai, they had an orientation, where they were being explained that kalau makan ni ikut teaching this, kalau tak makan ni ikut teaching that bla bla. Then, man said, "tengok, punyalah individualized sampai kau boleh pilih nak ikut ajaran mana." But then, he admitted to just eating the meat when he was travelling to mana tah Moscow kot.
Then, he mentioned about how being away from his parents, he had the freedom to do everything. And by everything, he meant everything. Then, I said, "so awak pernah rasa ke?" He said, "tak pernah lagi." And I was like, "ayyy, kenapa lagiii?" Then, he looked at H and be like, "kita dah besar kan, kita boleh je try." LAHHHHH. Then, he mentioned again, "duduk jauh memang kau free buat apa apa je. Memang memerlukan agama untuk stop kau drpd buat benda benda pelik."
Then, being the girl I am, I was like, "perempuan sana cantik kan?" Then man was like, "bukan perempuan. Maksud aku arak, weed. Kau boleh dapat week senang je weh. Kau boleh order drpd kawan macam tu je. Senang sangat nak dapat." Then, I asked, "So pernah try tak?" He said no, but he did mention dia ada buat dosa juga, but he didn't wanna enclose the sin. Takpelah, it's between him and God. I hope it's not anything too bad.
I also mentioned about polygamy, and he said, "kalau aku, tak lah." I was scared of looking at him right in the eyes when we talked about the topic. I was scared. Tapi he really didn't look like someone who would practice polygamy. Monogamy pun tahlah eh, member macam bahagia je single. Kalaulah dia single haha. Member single ke tak, saya pun tak tahu hm.
And, my man had the tendency to say "get intimate" rather than saying "having s*x". I forgot why he mentioned such things, but macam dia bagi contoh kot masa cakap all the things you can do there. He mentioned the phrase twice. The first time he mentioned it, I was like, "oh that's one way to put it." And the second time he mentioned it, I was like, "oh, so man doesnt say s*x and that's cute. It's respectful, and I love the way he says it respectfully."
Btw, sebenarnya sebelum H tanya pasal merokok in Islam tu, me and him were talking about haji. He was asking me, "Kau pergi haji bila? Best tak?" And I was like, "Last year in May - June. Best. Nasib baik pergi last year, sebab saya tak tahu boleh survive tak kalau pergi this year." Then, I mentioned, "Saya rasa nak pergi lagi sana lepas habis HO. Alang alang memang takkan kahwin, so baik saya pergi sana." Then, he was like, "Ya weh, aku pun nak pergi sana lepas habis HO."
For a second, the sinful thought crossed my mind-- perhaps we could go there together.
Btw, dia punya lockscreen gambar one punch man. Pastu I cakap lah, muka dia sebiji awak. Then, he said, "aku rasa nak botak lagi do." And I was like, "kenapa? Rasa pandai ke? Orang kata kalau botak, ilmu senang masuk." He laughed.
And then, dia ada tanya, "Aida, kau selalu makan tempat fancy kan? Aku selalu tengok status kau. Suggest kat aku mana yang best." Then, ofc lah kita suggest NH cafe hehe tu je saya suggest, and he was okay with it. I hope he'll love the cafe as much as I do.
Then, we talked about mamak. I cakap lah, "sebab tu saya takleh makan mamak, wak. Kotor. Mak saya tak bagi. Haritu saya nak rebel lah, nak makan mamak, pastu ish tak menarik betul experience tu." Then, man laughed and was like, "kau rebel makan mamak ke? HAHAHA" Then, he said, "dulu aku makan mamak, tapi sekarang dah kurang. Aku minum air je kat situ, biasalah tengok bola pastu lepak minum air lepas main futsal. Tapi aku minum air je lah, aku tak makan. Sebab orang macam kau lah."
I was like, "apa orang macam saya? Orang macam apa?" And he said, "tak makan mamak. Dulu masa aku belajar kelantan, aku bawa kawan pergi mamak, pastu diaorang pun macam kau, tak makan mamak. So lepastu aku pun kurang lah."
Anyway, he cooks. Dia masak masa dia belajar dulu. Hm. Complete package lah tbh.
Cuma member bukan pengemas sangat lah kot eh. Dah dua kali i sedar dia tinggalkan sampah merata rata. Pastu tadi I cakap lah, "awak, atas meja tu sampah awak." Pastu I added, "haritu kat scn2 pun awak tinggal sampah camtu je. Saya tolong kemas." And he was like, "ye ke sampah aku?" And I was like, "ya lah, awak yang guna warmer masa tu."
Then, he took the sampah and letak dalam yellow bin kecil yang dah penuh dan takde plastic tu. Pastu I bising lah, "EH, kan dah penuh situ. Buang lah kat yellow bin yang besar. Dekat je." He turned to me with a face and took the small plasticless yellow bin and bawa pergi yellow bin yang besar, sambil cakap, "Aku kena marah do..." Then, as he walked past H, man was like, "Tengok ni H, aku kena marah" sambil tunjuk saya dan geleng kepala lol.
Lepastu 4.30 Dr J minta I buat bcm NICU, pastu i ajak dia sekaliii, pastu dia tak nak, tapi suruh i ambil sign MO untuk abx. I pun tak nak haha i suruh dia pergi sendiri, then man gave up and datang juga NICU untuk dapatkan sign. Then, man helped me buat satu bcm lepastu dia ciao.
Bila i balik, I came across this one song kat tiktok, tajuk "Eternal Friendship by Firdhaus". I love love love the meaning, very relatable. Bcs the lyrics be saying things like, let's just be eternal friends, bcs friends generally last longer than lovers. They wanna be friends bcs they're afraid of telling the other person about their feelings.
Sangat relatable kan.
I was thinking of confessing, btw, the other day. I was thinking of doing it once he left the department. But then, I realized, what are the chances he'd reject me and we won't be friends / talk again comfortably? 99999.99999% So I decided to not confess.
Plus, I think I deserve to be someone who's loved first. Be the person who holds the carrot and be founded by a person who chases the carrot. I deserve to be that person.
Tapi I takut sebenarnya I single bcs people have this thought that I ni high maintenance. Tengok lah, man asked me, Aida, kau selalu makan tempat fancy kan? I macam haih... Why...
Okay, tu je.
I memang suka dia lagi ha ha unfortunate so yea bye.
Labels: diary, love rants
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
