Tuesday, October 28, 2025 | 8:11 PM | 0 Alien
Hey there.
Here's the thing -- I like you.
I long for something I never have. I linger for something I wish is written for me in the book of fate. I reach out for something that is perhaps never meant to be mine.
The limited memories of us together keep spinning in mind, replaying like the 70s movies at the old theatre my grandparents love. They go on and on and on and on, and it's unfortunate that I can't put a stop to it.
You don't live in my prayers purposefully. I don't mention your name to God because I'm scared. The first and last man I mentioned in my prayers ended up hurting me beyond imagination. He tore my wounded heart into pieces, and my old self had to pick each piece carefully and put them back together, like a special edition million-pieces of puzzle.
And now-- now that my heart is whole again, you appear, and my poor heart falls for someone it never knows it can love.
You taught me how to love again. You taught me that I can have feelings for men again. You taught me that it's possible for me to learn to love again. You taught me that I'm not a heartless person who has no feelings. You taught me that I can love again, when the right person comes. You taught me that my trauma has healed-- because I never knew I'm healed, until you came and my head finally wrapped around the fact that I've moved on from the previous person.
It's a lot to take in.
For me, honestly, it's a lot.
Because I was traumatized from my previous experience. The fear of having a crush on someone haunted me that I ended my university life single, alone, and broken. But perhaps, I was not as broken as I thought I was.
The boy who broke me a few years ago-- I don't think he has any specific posts for him in this blog. Which is great.
While you...
You're the reason this blog still exists.
Where do I start now?
I don't like you in the heart-thumping manners. I like you just a little bit-- just a little bit. I like you the way I like my morning coffee -- it doesn't excite me for most of the time, but it's just enough to make me wake up at 5.45 am daily. I like you the way I like all my things the way they usually are. I like you the way I like my pens.
I like you in all the familiarity. I like the way I feel at ease whenever I'm around you. I like the way I don't tremble around you. I like the way my nervous system relaxes, and I can just be myself around you. I like the way my mind shows curiosity about you, the way my heart wants to know you. And I like the way you always share random facts about you here and there.
Sure, it's kinda sad realizing that you never listened to me. I don't really talk about myself on a general basis, but I'm pretty sure the fact that I drive to work is well-known among my contacts. But man, you just don't pay attention. You're not interested in me, I get it. In your mind, I'm just a girl who's being picked up by my dad from work. But I'm not that type of girl.
"Ayah kau ambil kau ke?"
"Saya drive lah. Kalau saya postcall dan tak larat sangat je baru ayah saya suruh adik saya ambil."
"Aku selalu kena ambil kakak aku masa dia HO. Pastu dia scam aku, kata dah siap kerja, bila aku sampai, tak turun turun lagi. Tunggu lif 30 mins."
-----
"Kau duduk mana?"
"Tok sira. 15 mins from here. Tapi kalau balik 30 mins."
"Bawalah motor. Boleh cilok."
"Tak boleh, mak saya tak bagi."
"Haah, tak payahlah, bahaya."
But
I like the way you're so random.
"Aida, kau save nombor Umar tak? Jangan tengok status dia, geli duh (a vid of israhell cutting open a person and took out a beating heart)."
"Okay je saya tengok. Kenapa? Awak geli ke?"
"Tak lah, aku okay je. Aku tengok 2 kali. Tapi nak muntah do."
I like the way you share random things about you and allow me to know pieces about you bit by bit.
"Mak ayah aku orang Indonesia. Takde darah melayu. Kalau isi form, aku tick kat lain lain. Tapi aku Malaysian."
"Bila aku fikir foreigner, aku teringat kat parents aku. Kesian mak aku kena marah dengan dr sebab aku post date, duduk hospital 5 hari tak keluar keluar."
"Pastu dia cite aku kuning kena tahan kat hospital. Then dia bagi campur susu dengan air kencing dia bagi anak dia biar sembuh hahaha"
"Pastu sembut tak?"
"Sembuh la. Sampai sekarang kuning."
I like the way you always give me positive encouragement.
"Kau muda lagi, kau kena positive."
"Terpaksa positive do, kalau tak boleh jadi gila."
I like the way you tease me in the most annoying way possible.
"Harini first day kau kat ward ke? Habislah kau. Tengok ni Sarvin, dia ni selalu marah marah."
"Habislah kau, nanti Dr Adriana mengamuk."
I like the way you're capable of doing your work and the way you're able to cover for me.
Flashback to our O&G oncall.
Flashback to our DKA patient in surgical.
Flashback to our makcik Photimah in surgical.
I like the way you always comfort me whenever something happened to me.
"Takpe, aku dulu kena dengan Dr Mun lagi teruk."
"Takpe, aku buat assessment 2 kali dengan Dr Adriana."
I like the way you're always there whenever I need help.
You helped to review NICU patients, even if you knew I was the only one being assigned to be there.
You helped me do transfer-ins at SCN2 despite you was extended N1.
I like the way you don't do unnecessary skinships.
The only skinship I made with you was just during blood taking, and that's it.
I like the way you are a practicing Muslim.
The thing is, those things are not exclusive to me in any ways possible. None of them is exclusive.
But those are the things that I like about you-- at least those are the ones that make sense.
I don't know if I'll ever confess to you or not. But if I hope, I hope it's for the best of me.
Labels: diary, love rants
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