Tuesday, July 1, 2025 | 11:27 PM | 0 Alien
I'm back again with the same freaking topic about love. After talking to Prem until 1 am yesterday, I can conclude that I still do like the person I liked previously.
Last night before I slept, I had the realization that the person snapped a selfie with a girl. I was jealous, I admit it. I am still very jealous of the girl.
But today, I learned that she confessed to him and he rejected her bcs he didnt feel anything :)
I was just thinking abt confessing to him someday lol maybe I should keep this thought to myself. Because gurl, the probability for him to reject me is literally +99999% ðŸ˜
He was close with the girl and he rejected her.
How about me? The girl he's not even close with. Who's probably not even considered as one of his friends. Who's only talking to him when it comes to work and work only.
Honestly, I feel pathetic. It's probably because I haven't felt this way for so long. It's probably because I haven't liked a guy this much before, and it feels weird wanting to be with a guy this much, esp a guy who doesn't want a relationship yet.
The thing is, I know I'm probably not the kind of person he'll like. He probably prefers a feminine girl, someone cute, someone who can balance his energy.
But I can't help it tho.
I talked to him today, btw, about how it's always so panas whenever we work together. From O&G to surgical, memang panas betul if I work with him. And he said, "aku cuba bersangka baik tau masa O&G, aku bukan jenis percaya benda benda ni semua, tapi..."
Then he proceeded to cerita kat fatin betapa pecahnya oncall O&G kita. And he was like, "aku kerja dengan mamat ni— makcik ni—"
And I said, "hey, saya lagi muda eh daripada awak!"
And he was like, "aku kerja dengan dia ni, memang panas betul. Acute pun ya Allah..."
And I said, "awak, setiap kali saya jaga acute dengan awak, setiap kali tu lah panas. Tapi esok lusa tu saya jaga dengan orang lain, elok je wak, sejuk je. So maksudnya memang kita tak boleh kerja sekali."
And he was like, "ye duh, memang kita tak boleh kerja sekali. Lepasni takleh dah."
And I said, "takde dah lepas ni. Kan awak peri this week. So takde dah lah." And he was like haah kan.
And then, suddenly, he was like, "Aida, aku tahu macam mana kau tak nak panas. Setiap kali masuk lif, kau baca doa yang dia tampal tu." And I was like, "Okay, but how about you read it first, then I'll follow?" And he laughed while he walked away.
Anyway, I showed faten my recent conversation with him, and faten gave me hope 😠She read the part when he asked, "dah berapa kali aku buat kau nangis? Kena listkan ni." And then he was like, "but we did our best. Makcik is already happy at the other side. Let this be a lesson for us to learn, so that next time, pt will be alive and stable."
Faten reading it was like, "okay kena tahu dia memang macam ni tak kat semua orang. Kalau tak, awak ada peluang."
And she kept feeding my delusions by saying "Dia tu, bukannya cakap banyak dengan semua orang. Dia cakap banyak dengan certain orang je."
And when she read the latest conversation about him saying "apa apa pasal usg tu, nanti kau update aku. Kalau kau nak tidur, kau bagi nombor aku dekat radio." She was like omg omg aidaaaaaa pls go for him.
Honestly, aku cair nak mampus baca ayat tu. For someone who's always been independent when it comes to work, I am very very soft when it comes to dependable guys. I'm very soft when I meet a guy I can depend on.
That was the main reason why I liked him back then, and probably one of the reasons why I still like him until this day. Ofc, the feelings come and go, but I'm so clingy when it comes to him, and I allow myself to depend on him a lot.
Read the sentence again.
I allow myself to depend on him a lot.
Me. Depend. On. This. Person.
I let my guards down, that eventually, I find myself so deep into him.
He's not even that good-looking, but Faten tadi tanya, "pernah ke awak rasa dia tak hensem?"
Ha ha.
Mestilah tak pernah ðŸ˜
Aku awal awal pun dah initiate conversation dengan dia berdua kat pantry despite aku tak suka dia, despite my first impression on him was so negative ðŸ˜
Idk man this is so confusing fr.
Rem cakap, takpe, just wait. Jangan kejar.
Tapi sampai bila kena tunggu? I tunggu selama ni, takde pun. Ada lah here and there tapi they're not the people I want. They don't make me feel comfortable with them.
Maybe, at the end of the day, I just want a person I'm comfortable with and I can depend on.
Tengok lelaki tu, dia sorang je pernah buat aku nangis banyak kali.
Despite that, aku still suka dia. Urgh pathetic.
But still, kenapa duh. Kenapa aku suka lelaki macam tu eh. Kenapa dalam banyak banyak lelaki, aku suka lelaki yang tak nak ada relationship dengan sesiapa? Kenapa aku suka lelaki yang memang tak mencari pun?
Penatlah.
Okay, ya, aku tunggu. Aku tak kejar.
I'll wait for the right person to come when he's ready.
I'll wait, so will you please come to me asap? Bcs I'm so tired of waiting.
I've been waiting for 26 years, and I can't possibly wait for another 26 years.
Rem confident je ingat ada orang suka aku, padahal takde pun. Hafiz ingat aku hotstuff, mesti ada orang suka. Padahal takde pun.
Dr H tanya kenapa aku still single, lepastu hafiz dengan rem cakap sebab I garang. Tapi bila I tanya rem balik, dia cakap sebab I memilih, which is good.
Hm.
I tak memilih pun wak.
I just run at the first negative feeling I felt with other people bcs I can smell other negative vibes I know I can't stand.
I just run at the first sign of red flag because I know I won't be able to put up with them.
I run.
I'm avoidant.
Ha ha.
I guess that's my answer then.
I'm probably avoidant when it comes to love, no matter how much I want it.
Rem cakap i kena cari sama naik dengan I (he said im a high achiever) or someone who doesnt mind me having big dreams. Idk why it comes across his mind that im a high achiever but yea... Whatever.
For the person I like, I'm not sure dia ada big dreams ke tak, but dia kan nak MO kat Sabah / Sarawak. Hm. Tahlah. I still can't get over him.
Takpelah.
When the right time comes, I'll get over him and find someone else. Or be founded. Pls be founded. Pls, someone, the right person, pls find me.
Labels: love rants
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
