I'm back after a few months.
Guess what?
I'M STILL SINGLE!
Is that an achievement for me?
Idk, I hope so.
I mean, it's both an achievement and a curse for me lol
Achievement for my future self because at least, if I were to look back to my past, there's nothing such as a heartbreak for me. No wasting time on some random guys. No wasting efforts on the wrong guys.
A curse because wdym I'm reaching 26 and I'm still single?
The younger me would never believe this, but I'm sorry, dear self, I can't find someone for myself yet. Your prince charming in shining armor hasn't appeared in your life yet. The person you thought might be your life's greatest best friend / life partner isn't here yet.
Qistina always always always says that it's a 'me-problem'.
"Awak jangan tutup hati sangat."
"Awak kena terbuka nak berkenalan dengan orang."
"Awak janganlah bila nampak satu benda yang dah tak suka, terus tutup hati."
Maybe it's really a 'me-problem'. Maybe I'm the avoidant type. Maybe a part of me is traumatized from whatever happened to me and people around me in the past.
And for other people to say that I have to open up to people-- I did. I tried. I gave multiple people multiple chances, but I'm not the type to waste people's time on me. And I don't wanna waste my time on the wrong people.
I run at the first sight of red flag.
I avoid people at the second thought that this won't end up well.
I crush people's hopes on me the second I thought, "oh this is not what I want. I can't tolerate this person."
Perhaps some people find me annoying because I keep complaining that I'm single but I never really open my heart for anyone.
But gurl, NO.
I'm saving my time, efforts, and feelings.
And I saved them from wasting their energy on me.
I'm doing them a favor, and they should be thankful for that.
But yes, of course, I notice that I'm the avoidant type.
But that's because I never find anyone who's worth taking the risks.
(Jk, I did, but he's most probably taken, so I don't take any risks and decide to make him the epitome of my dream-guy criteria)
That's honestly kinda sad, because for someone like me, someone with the avoidant attachment style, someone who runs away at the first sight of red flag, it's really hard to actually find a person who can tame me down and make me stay. But that person is different. But ofc, he's most probably taken, and that's just sad.
Well, if were to talk about another person, the one I mentioned in the prev few posts, that guy-- he's not my style. He doesn't fit in the 3 main criteria I set, but I also kinda like him. In my defense, I do like someone. But this person is not looking for someone-- and if one day he does, I doubt he'll even like someone like me :(
And let's go down the memory lane and flashback to this one guy I gave a few chances to redeem himself / prove him worthy. I gave him a few months (the longest one yet) because I wanted to know him. But he kept his mysterious figure, and I couldn't figure him out. I didn't know him that well. He didn't tell me anything much about himself and he didn't lead the relationship. I kept telling him to tell me more about himself, yet I got very little pieces of him, and I didn't like it.
But I do like how he's confident in himself. He was confident that my parents would love him. He even said, "i takut parents u suka i tapi u yang tak suka i." Tbh I do see that coming tho. That's why I didn't allow him to meet my parents yet. I wanted to know him a bit better before he could meet my parents-- but somehow bcs I kept ignoring him, he just stopped. And that's fine tbh.
Hm.
I'm honestly scared of being single my whole life.
I don't know if I'll end up with anyone. I don't know if anyone can put up with me. I don't know if I can find someone who loves me for who I am, who can accept my crazy working hours and support me nevertheless.
I don't know what the future holds.
But Aida, my girl,
If next time, someone wishes to know you better, give him a chance to prove himself to you.
Try to put up with whatever things you find off-putting and try to give him another chance.
Maybe you won't regret it.
Maybe.
I can't say for sure.
But at least, if someone asks you and wants to put the blame on you, you can say, "Hey, I gave him a few chances and it didn't work out. Not my problem."
I think I'll be back in a few weeks complaining about how single I am again. But it's okay.
This is a safe place for me.
No one really comes here anyway, so that's good.
Bye! See you next time, hopefully with a better news (but if there's none, then I guess with a new ranting session hehe)
Labels: love rants
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
