Saturday, December 7, 2013 | 11:38 PM | 0 Alien
You shouldn't desire the wall that you can't climb. You shouldn't look up at the sky that you're not supposed to.
Assalammualaikum.
Is it wrong to dream and hope, dream to be better, hope to be better? I'm living in my own fiction, cause I hope everything will get better once I step out of it, once I get into the reality. But I guess not.
Cause life is what you make it.
And I'm just a coward. I'm not a hero. I don't have powers, I don't have strength, I don't have courage. I'm just nobody. I don't have the guts to change everything, to stand up on my own.
Sometimes I'm so annoyed with myself. Why should I keep hoping, why should I keep praying that everything will be okay? Cause it never will. It never will...
Sometimes I think maybe I should be bold, maybe I should show more affections. But funny, it's only a thought, and will always be a thought. I'm not bold, I don't really show affections. I keep everything inside my heart. I don't know why. I used to be so open up, I used to tell people almost every single thing about my life, except for some private thingy ofc, I used to blog about my feelings but... I don't know why. I tend to be more secretive about things right now, especially when it comes to my heart, my feelings.
142 posts this year, including those drafts. 393 posts last year, with no draft.
I keep everything inside my heart and when I feel like leaking, I read angst fics. That is the only way for me to cry my eyes out. I can't just sit in my room alone, think about sad things and cry. Well, came to think about it, I can, but I rather not to. I have a weird way to cry and it's weird. I smile when I'm in verge of tears. I smile when I cry. Laughing makes me sob harder.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just done. I'm tired of everything. I'm on my own, I have to stand up on my own, but it's tiring, knowing I'm all alone and I can't do anything to make me feel like I'm not.
I miss you. I miss us. Maybe there's no us anymore, it's just in the past. I don't know, I just like reminiscing the past and remember our memories. But guess what, I actually regret something in the past. I... I just want to show you how much I love you. Because I never did and even if I show you now, it's just too late. You've moved on.
You knew I didn't show affections that much, but you accepted me for who I was. You accepted my flaws, and that was the only thing that made you different from others. You taught me things I didn't know, you made stupid comments on me, and you told me to be independent, even if I didn't really listen to you.
You might not read this, I know. Or maybe you do, but if you do, I just want you to know that I always want to go back into the past and show more love to you. I want to always tell you I love you, I want to hug you and tell how special you are to me. It's sad going through our photos, our memories and remember that we're no longer there; we've gone into different paths.
"Funny, I can never relate to that."
I... I love you, more than Chanyeol. But you won't come back to me. You've found my replacement and as for me, I don't have any replacements for you in my heart. Sometimes, I feel like in the past when you send me messages. It feels heavenly. And sometimes when we talk, I feel like we're best friends, I feel what I used to feel. I feel clingy but it makes me feel good, like in the past.
Truth is revealed when you're mad.
I go through some drafts and I remember something about it. How she always thinks me as a pathetic piece of sh-- and how she says I'm fake, I'm living a fake life of mine, I can never have a best friend, I'm trying to be perfect, I always compare myself to others, I'm the most terrible person who never feel grateful with my own life and I don't deserve her concerns.
That's the thing. You'll reveal what you feel when you're mad. Don't make decisions when you're angry, don't make promises when you're happy.
You know, I'm just tired and I just want people to stop misunderstand me. It's okay, you don't have to understand if you don't want to, but please don't misunderstand me and tell people what you misunderstand about me cause I only responsible for what I say and do, not your misunderstanding. If I don't say anything about it, it doesn't mean that you're true, it's just because I don't give a damn about explaining the truth because even if I tell you the truth, you won't listen to me and you'll stick to your freaking opinion and I'm just gonna waste my energy, my voice and my time explaining to someone who totally doesn't want to listen to my explanation. And stop judging me for every single thing I do. Because you don't know the truth, and you never will. Don't assume you know how I feel because you don't.
Right. I need Pumpkin to come home now, his birthday is on the next 22 days. I've been dreaming of him since he lost and I guess, like... 6 times alrd.
I miss saying those weird words to you.
"Dodo" "Angkin" "Menade/Nade" and such. I wanna cry but I don't wanna show my family that I'm so fragile about it. I just... I can't accept it. I miss him so badly that I catch a cold. I... Please come home, wherever you are. Please. Stop making me into this crying mess. I don't know why but my dream about you last night feels so real, and when I wake up, I realize that it's a dream and I nearly cry. It feels so freaking real, Pumpkin and I still can't believe it. It feels weird writing a post right now without you under my table, sleeping. It feels so weird waking up in the middle of the night, only to realize that you're no longer there with your bell. It feels so weird not searching for you in the afternoon and ask my brothers for your whereabouts. It feels so weird not playing with you before I sleep. Just so you know, Pumpkin, kakak susah nak tidur sekarang. Kakak rindu Angkin. Bila Angkin nak balik? Kakak tak boleh dengar perkataan dodo sebab kakak selalu teringat kat Angkin. Setiap kali kalau mama panggil Angkin ke apa, kakak selalu fikir Angkin dah balik and I hate it! Kakak tak suka perasaan tu - expecting for you to be home. Kakak dah tak tahu dah, letih, I need you in my life. Tak lama lagi birthday Angkin, cepatlah balik. Kakak tunggu. Angkin kat mana? Bagitahulah kakak. Please, tell me, Angkin, bagitahu kakak Angkin kat mana. Kakak tak nak kucing lain, kakak tak nak Cello, kakak tak nak Belang, kakak nak Angkin. Kakak nak Angkin. Baliklah, dodo. Jebal dorawa... Jebal...
Love you guys, bubblebye ^_^
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
