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Postage Reply 1
Saturday, October 20, 2012 | 11:56 PM | 0 Alien
Assalammualaikum.

 Ni baru saya online. Internet buat problem. Laptop lembap nak mampus. So, yeah... Straight to the point je lah. Malas nak beat around the bush. 

 I just read your blog. And I guess it's for me? I don't know but it seems like it was for me. 

 I REALLY AM SORRY. SO FREAKING SORRY.

 You know, it was hard for me too. So damn hard. It felt like the world was against me. It felt like nobody was warm for me, no one cared about me. And it felt like everyone was ignoring me. I know, I'm the one at fault, I'm the one who started it. It was all my fault. 

 From A to Z, they were all my faults. Blame me for everything. Cause I know, I was sinful. I really am a cruel friend. 

 I couldn't believe it either. I did that. I did something so damn stupid. It was the first time in my life that I thought I was a very cruel friend. To be honest, I always thought of me being a nice friend and all. Why? Cause every time my friend made mistakes to me, I always pretended like they've done nothing. I didn't lie. I didn't. I was honest most of the time, but at that moment, I lied. I lied. I lied. What a cruel friend I am. 

 But I don't understand something in your blog. What decision? I didn't remember. Tell me in chatbox or something. 

 You know what? I'm the type of girl who will be quiet when I feel uneasy. You seem to hate me so damn much. How can I gather the strength to talk to you? You seem like you don't want to talk to me. How can I just talk to you like that? 

 I will talk to you if you talk to me first. Why? Cause you have to let me know if you want to talk to me or you don't want to talk to me. I always have the mood to talk. I never thought of you pretending or something. Never. 

 You know, there are only some people that I love the most. THAT I REALLY LOVE! (exclude Rasulullah and Allah)

 1) Mom
2) Dad
3) Sister
4) Aiman
5) Ammar
6) Grandpa
7) Grandma
8) Qistina
9) YOU
10) Atiqah
11) Aifaa
12) Hamizah
13) Phuah
14) HER
15) Mak Jemah
16) Amira 

 I couldn't imagine myself without all of you. But now, as I grow older, I felt the feeling of them getting away from me. And my biggest fear is... to lose you. I've already lost him. I've lost her. And I don't wanna lose you. I am weak when it comes to problems like this. 

 Silence was the best thing I could do at that moment. As much as I wanted to talk to you, my mind told me to stop. It told me that you were still mad at me. You still needed some time. As much as I wanted to act as if I was okay, my mind told me to be silence. To be honest, I was never quiet, except when I was sick. Even when I fought with my friends, it wouldn't last for more than 2 minutes. Except for some cases. More than a day. Cause I couldn't live without them. Some parts of my heart were filled with my friends and when they ignored me or they were far from me, I felt like my world shattered. 

 There were some moments that I tried to talk to you, I spoke up some things but you didn't give me an answer. You didn't reply to me. I felt unwanted. So, I decided to just shut my mouth up until you talk to me. I hate the feeling of being ignored. 

 Maybe you didn't see my effort. It's okay. Only God knows how I tried to be okay with you guys. I was so upset with myself. I was so disappointed with myself. I asked myself, why did I become so fool at that time? But somehow, I was grateful that Allah gave me this challenge. I learnt to be very careful before I spoke something. And I learnt that friendship is very important. 

 Sometimes I felt like I wanna cry. I felt like I wanna shout out loud to release my frustration. But I just couldn't bring myself to do that. Sometimes I hoped that I couldn't smile for just awhile to show you how hurt I was. But I just couldn't do that. I couldn't stop myself from smiling. I smiled without a reason. I acted as if everything was okay. I talked to my sisters as if I was so damn okay. But one of them knew that I was not. She knew what I've gone through. But maybe she didn't thought I was this hurt cause I smiled. I gave her reasons. I told her I was grateful for everything. I smiled. 

 The smile that I always put on my face made people thought I was okay. My parents didn't know about this. They thought I was okay. They thought I was happy. But I wasn't. But why should I act as if I was so in pain in front of them? They shouldn't worry about me. I am now 13. I can take care of myself, right? Maybe not. 

 Allah won't give me something I couldn't handle. He knew that I was strong enough to bear this pain. To be honest, many obstacles came these days. Day by day, I had to face all of them. When I passed one challenge, there came another challenge. Sometimes, I thought, MasyaAllah, beratnya ujianMu ini. But then, I thought, Allah nak aku bersabar. Allah nak test sampai tahap mana aku boleh sabar. Nama pun Sabrina. Sabar je lah. And then, I was so grateful. There must be something when my mother thought of that name - Aida Sabrina. And now, I knew. I was lucky most of the time. And I could be patient. Alhamdulillah. Through many challenges, I could still smile and I could still be happy. Alhamdulillah.

 Okay, I guess it's the end of this post. Need to write for Reply 2. Assalammualaikum. 


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