I have a lot to tell that idk how to start.
Okay, lemme start by telling you the dynamic of me and daus first.
Right now, it's going great between us. He updates me his daily life, I update him about my day. Sometimes I initiate the conversation, and sometimes he starts texting me first. I've learned that it's okay if I keep initiating the conversations, because I'm an ENFP. I'm random. I have a lot of thoughts in my mind, and I want to share them with him. He'd always engage in my thoughts no matter how random they are, and I really appreciate it.
He always notices the little things I did. He noticed I started becoming more of myself during our recent meet-up. He noticed i duduk bersila masa awal awal that he was like "uish lain macam". He noticed I was not okay. He notices a lot of things that I honestly can't really mention because those are subtle but he notices and he remembers.
He'd prefer calls rather than texts when it comes to deciding our future (read: family, planned meeting with parents). InsyaAllah he'll be meeting by parents this 25th July. I just need to find the perfect time to tell my parents.
The thing about him is that he's too respectful. He texted Atifah and asked her to let me go out with him to talk about the meeting. Her response was not satisfactory. She was like, "kalau aku tak bagi pun kau keluar jugak kan dengan dia berdua? Aku bukan mak dia, kalau mak dia bagi, siapalah aku nak halang." In a way, I feel like there's a hint of judgemental in the tone. In a way, I rasa macam while dia memang judge daus, dia judge me as well. He told her first that he was planning to meet my parents. Idk i don't really like the fact that he tells her first.
If only he pours the same efforts into my mom as well.
Do the same thing.
Ask her whenever he wants to bring me out.
I hope he does that.
And then Atifah told me, "awak tak berfikir when it comes to him."
I find that hurtful.
At first, I accepted it. Sure, I wasn't thinking.
But I think about it, again and again. I reflect on it. And now I've come to the conclusion that:
I do, in fact, consider a lot of things when it comes to him.
First, I considered my feelings. I weighed the pros and cons of accepting him back into my life. And I've decided that I'm fonder of the pros, so I let him into my life again. I gave him a second chance, and he hasn't fucked it up yet. Instead, he seems like a changed man. He seems more mature, more 'actions than talk'. He seems more serious. He seems more future-oriented while regretting the past.
Then, I considered our values. Our boundaries -- less communication with the opposite sex, less selfies, modesty in clothing. Sure, these are mostly from him. But because he has already taken care of himself. He's reserved, and I'm not jealous of other girls, because there's no other girls. Our families -- the difference in our upbringing, the culture, the possibilities of being accepted/rejected in the family. Our future -- where we're gonna work, live, how many children we want, what if we can't have one. Our differences -- he's more of a "think first, talk later" kind of person, while I'm the kind of "talk first, think while talking or after." He processes things inward, while I do it outward. But he's becoming more transparent with me, and I honestly appreciate it a lot.
So, no, I'm not the kind of person who doesn't think when it comes to him.
I think. I reflect. And my conclusion is the same:
I still want him in my life.
Honestly, the fact that he couldn't wait any longer is quite cute. At first, I gave him a deadline: September, before I finish my HOship. Then recently he was thinking of August. And then, more recently, he wanted to meet my parents in July.
We often voice call nowadays. He'd always ask if he can call me. Tapi paling recent was this morning, and he heard my deep raspy morning voice T_T I told him "awak cakap je lah, saya tak nak cakap, suara saya macam ni." Lepastu he was like, "kenapa? awak sore throat ke?" Then I said, "tak, saya baru bangun tidur. Suara saya macam ni, tak sedap." Then I could hear him smiling from the other side of the line as he said, "seronok juga dengar suara awak macam ni. Saya suka."
The thing is, it's deep and raspy. And I'm honestly scared if he has a different thought. But I trust him.
Pagi tadi, he texted me multiple times cerita pasal patient pregnant USOD, VE 8 cm, then os fully. He sounded so excited telling me. I just noticed that the messages have gap, meaning that he attended the pt then at the same time he texted me as well. So kyoot my baby. Really appreciate it.
Okay, good night.
________________________________________________________________________________________He's back back.
Like back into my life.
Not that he was out of my life back then, but yeah, he kinda was.
I mean, 6 months without any contact? Yup, that man was physically away from my life. But mentally, in my heart, he was not.
You know how much efforts I made to make myself believe that I'm doing fine. To believe that I'm making some sort of progress in my life, to believe that I'm moving on from him.
6 months, and he came back, and I acted as if those 6 months were nothing.
Even Atifah said so.
But in my defense, I learned a lot about myself.
- 1. I'm kind
I'm kind kind bcs wdym I only wished him well when he broke my heart into pieces? Wdym I congratulated him for being an MO and even offered the information that one of the main reasons I liked him back then was bcs of his work ethics?
Crazy.
And when I think about it again today, it was just because I'm kind.
I often overlooked the fact that I'm kind. But Asma' used to say that to me. She said her mom said she had to look after me bcs I'm always so kind to people. "Aida baik sangat." Mak dia kata macam tu.
- 2. I love with all my heart
Which made me kinda stupid, if you were to ask me. I won't lie to myself and say I don't love him. I can't lie to myself and say that the feelings are gone, bcs they are pretty much still there.
- 3. I'm soft-hearted when it comes to the people I love
Instead of being mad at him, I gave him a chance. I took him back. I allowed him into my life as if nothing happened.
Atifah was so mad at me.
I was mad at myself as well.
But I knew I needed this. I knew I would torture my future self with what ifs if I didn't give him a chance. I knew I would be guessing all the possibilities that could happen if I didn't give him the opportunity to redeem himself.
In fact, this was his first time coming back after messing up.
I knew Atifah said this is the second time, but to be honest, this is only the first time.
The other one Atifah mentioned didn't count— bcs earlier, he rejected me because he didn't wanna give me false hopes. And when he came back, he was considering things, even if he didn't think things through. He was scared of how real everything was, and he withdrew.
But now he's back, and I hope it's for the better.
If not, then I guess it's to teach me to never love a guy that much anymore.
But rather than being so excited about him, I put my guards up a little bit. I allow him to make actions. I allow him to act like he wants me. I allow him to gather the courage and court me.
This time, he keeps mentioning about how he's scared about the next step, but he knows he needs to do it anyway. He knows he needs to meet my parents before I finish HOship.
And honestly?
If he doesn't, then that's it. No more chance.
That's the deadline I'm giving him.
Because meeting parents doesn't mean you're getting married right away. But it's an important step in a relationship; to show that you're serious.
He's wasted 6 months. I can't let him keep wasting my time. So if he's still scared and refuses to meet my parents by September this year, then it's the end of waiting.
I gotta make up my mind and go.
I gotta be the first one to leave, just as usual.
And maybe, just maybe, it won't be as painful as it was back then.
But I truly hope that's not the case.
I hope he's serious now. I hope he's ready. I hope that even if he's scared, he'll make the step anyway, because he wants me in his life. Because the need to have me is bigger than his fear.
I hope so.
This time, he does seem certain. He keeps repeating things that show me that he's serious about me. He opens up to me. He talks about his concerns, he talks about his family, he talks about his day, and he includes me in his thought processes.
Honestly, that's growth.
And I'm proud of him.
I'm scared, tbh. You alrd know how hard it is for me to move on, but now I'm making his foolish decision to let him back into my heart.
But I'm certain I want him.
And I hope he's certain that he wants to stay in my life.
Let's hope for the best, shall we?
If anything, I'm proud of you, Sabrina.
I met him face to face the other day, before it all happened. I met him on a random thursday evening to seek for answers to the questions I need to know. I gathered my courage to meet him. I faced the awkward situation. I didn't break down.
Honestly, I almost broke down.
When he said he thought he probably wouldn't get married until he's 30ish, where his father would probably find him someone and force him to marry her. I smiled and looked away, because it pained me to imagine that I probably am seeing the version of him that would never be ready for marriage, while the girl, the other person, might meet him at a point where he's finally ready to settle down. Idk the thought was just painful.
But somewhere, along the lines, I gathered the courage and asked him, "do you think i akan suka sesiapa je ke? Like I'd see a random guy on the street and I'd like him?"
He said no.
And I said the most vulnerable thing, "Saya memilih kawan. Kawan saya tak ramai sebab saya pilih kawan kawan saya. But in a sense, saya pilih awak."
There was a moment of silence before he nodded and said, "saya pilih awak juga." He repeated it a few times within a few sentences.
Then he said, saya tahu saya nak apa cuma saya tak tahu nak buat macam mana. I asked, awak nak apa?
He answered, "saya nak awak. Saya pilih awak."
Haih
The blatant truth caught me off guard.
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Update: 6/7/26
It's almost 1 month since we started talking again. Around 3 weeks alrd.
If I were being honest, this was about the time back then when he suddenly changed and decided to put a stop between us.
These past few days, I have been initiating the conversations.
Around last week, he would text me first and tell me how his shift was. But nowadays he doesn't do that anymore? I mean-- yeah, he just did last night, but I started the conversation first.
Now he got me thinking, what if I stop initiating the conversation altogether?
Will there be anything between us?
He's postcall today and will oncall tonight. But it makes no sense how he doesn't give me the same energy.
Maybe I'm just being emotional.
Me: Saya baru siap clerk 1 pt mva, sb fawwaz tapi member tak tengok pt pun lagi, efast pun belum buat tapi member busy clerking juga sobs yellow pecah sangat sangat 😞 Dr engku arif bising bising pasal tak follow dia round (tapi saya tbh penat dan annoyed sebab baru je round dengan dr tinesh), tapi nasib baik dr afiq datang dan kata nak round the other side, so terselamat lah daripada dengar dia bebel bebel 🫠 cuma dr afiq tanya banyak soalan knowledge untuk saya yang otak dah fried, takleh brain zz tapi saya suka round dengan dr afiq sebab rasa macam belajar sikit, walaupun orang kata dia gatal sebab dia memang asyik tanya perempuan je
Him: Maybe, tapi jangan cakap macam tu wakk. Perkataan ‘gatal’ tu melebih. Dr Afiq suka mengajar, and sebab dia lelaki, banyak dia tanya perempuan. Takde la lebih2, so jangan cakap.
Me: Okay wak.
Then I wrote:
Me: Saya tbh happy sikit dapat tengok awak sikit sikit tadi, tak lah sakit hati sangat dengan ubai sebab bila sakit hati je nampak awak
Him: *sticker*
I don't like the reply.
I don't like being vulnerable and not getting the same heartfelt message. I don't like putting my guard down only for him to reply me with a sticker.
It makes me think that the end will come soon. It makes me think that the cycle will happen again. Because the last time, I wrote, "you make me wanna tolerate things." That was more than "I love you" to me. But he ended up cutting ties with me on the same night :')
I won't lie if I say it doesn't hurt.
In fact, my heart stings a bit more as I'm typing this.
I know I shouldn't let the past haunt me, especially since I was the one who allowed him to enter my life again. I chose this. And it's unfair for me to keep holding onto the past, esp since he seems like he's a changed man.
But is he, really, changed?
Or is the like all the other men who only like the chase?
Am I being a bit too easy for me because he didn't have to prove anything to me?
I mean, sure, he told his parents. He discussed things with his parents.
But his dad told him not to rush things.
And when I hypothetically asked him, "what if your parents don't like me?" Then he paused and said, "berkat keluarga tu penting." He paused again and said, "but I'm Muhammad Firdaus, and my voice has a value in the family. I think they'll listen to me."
Anyway, I've sent him a message a few hours ago. He hasn't replied yet despite daripada single tick tu dah jadi double tick for a few hours dah. I sent his a link to youtube video about nouman ali khan talking about finding peace in marriage. Maybe he didn't want it as much as I want.
Okay whatever.
If he wants me then he gotta work for me.
I'll stop initiating the conversation starting tomorrow.
I guess I'll be back later, not sure with good or bad news. Hopefully with good news.
Idk.
I'm giving him a chance because I don't wanna torture my future self with 'what ifs'.
Okay goodbye.
________________________________________________________________________________________I attended Mijah's wedding yesterday.
But I couldn't help but to wonder if I'll ever have a wedding of my own.
I couldn't help but to wonder if I'll ever see myself in a wedding dress, smiling like I'm the happiest person alive, being married to the love of my life.
I couldn't help but to wonder if I'll walk down the aisle, hand-in-hand with my soulmate who's probably happy he's married to a woman like me.
Honestly, I can't really see the picture yet.
I can't really see myself being a bride-- but I really wish I can be a bride.
I wish to marry someone in the future.
It has been a long long long journey for me to find my soulmate, but I do wish that the journey comes to an end soon. I wish to meet my husband soon.
Call me a hopeless romantic, it's okay.
Idk haha I hope the time will come somehow.
Anyway, I'm buying a car!
It's X50 premium in emerald green <3
Big girl with a big commitment now <3
It's gonna be a car that I'll use for 20 to 30 years from now, so I'm buying a good one straightaway. It's a good family car, so it's all settled.
Hey future kid, your mummy is using a big car for a smol-sized woman hehe hope you're proud of me!
________________________________________________________________________________________I texted him first.
Our mutual friend, Yap, changed his profile picture to his old profile picture. I happened to refer Yap a few times that day, and with Yap's new dp, it stirred something in me. Some kind of nostalgia. Some emotional connection.
So I texted him first at 9pm.
"Yap baru tukar dp jadi dp awak yang lama. Terkejut saya haha lol ok tu je."
He didn't reply that night.
But he replied at 4-ish am the next day.
Our conversation was short and slightly awkward. But he still wrote awak-saya with me, which was quite of a relief. I'm honestly would be so sad if he uses kau-aku with me after everything.
After all, I was the person who opened his heart and made his consider marriage at a point in his life.
Well, now he's texting me. Right now.
He's asking for a favor, but idk what. Am still waiting for him to reply.
Update:
He told me to marah him :') Dahlah memaksa haha menekan nekan member suruh kita marah dia :')
Tak tahulah wak, saya tak marah awak sangat pun.
Saya disappointed je dengan awak, tu je. Sedih, sebab saya bodoh when it comes to love. I followed my own nafs and it led me to this heartbreak. I handed you my heart with the thought that you'd keep it safe, only for you to crush it in your own hands and mouth an apology months later.
It's been 5 months. It's honestly a bit too late to tell me that you're not okay, that you're feeling guilty about the whole thing. But that's just it, you know. You're just feeling guilty. Whatever you've experienced -- the inability to function well, the vomiting after overindulging -- those are the consequences of the choices that YOU made. You've made those choices, and you had to pay for them, so you should know better.
So why are you coming back, knocking on my peaceful door after five whole months, just to say that you're feeling guilty and that you were not okay?
You know it's wrong for you to text me, but you did it anyway. You were being selfish. You texted me seeking for comfort and being the foolish person I am, I let you. Intentionally. I allowed you to seek comfort from me. I reassured you that I was fine.
But I'm not, Firdaus.
I'm not fine.
You keep running in my mind the moment I wake up till I sleep. You keep appearing in my thoughts whenever my brain has some time to wander around. You make me a hopeless romantic in despair and I am still, stupidly, in love with you. I know deep inside me that there are a few hopeful voices praying for you to come back.
But I don't want you to come back after everything you've put me through.
You don't deserve to come back.
You don't deserve my love after everything you've done to me.
You're a coward, and you'll always be a coward. You're emotionally incapable of loving me. You're emotionally incapable of meeting me in the middle. You refused to meet me in the middle, intentionally. So no matter how much my stupid heart longs for you, I know rationally that you don't deserve me.
I deserve better.
I deserve someone who puts me first.
I deserve someone who chooses me intentionally.
I deserve someone who will work his way to keep me in his life, not someone who will run away when things are feeling off.
And because of that, I'm choosing myself now. I'm letting you go.
________________________________________________________________________________________I'm in my resentment phase.
I hate how his friend Ali wanted to pity me over nothing. I posted a picture of a scenery because in my prev status of pasillo cafe, I said I loved the ambience. Hence, I posted the picture of the ambience on my status.
Then, this stupid b decided to reply with "deep". I asked, apa yang deep?
He replied, "Metafora. Deep."
I get it. He was implying that the rainy weather was my heart.
He probably pitied me bcs "oohh poor aida is now all heartbroken because she got rejected by her crush twice."
Honestly, it's so unnecessary for him to pity me.
He must've been the one to support Daus, obv, because he was the only one who knew about us. Because if he didn't support the man, the man would've come to his sense and idk work on the relationship, rather than bailing out.
He was the one to say, "jangan lama lama dengan Aida, Daus."
Well, yes, Daus did all the thinking. But he should've slapped some sense into him.
But you know what, whatever.
This just shows that Daus is not ready yet. He is not ready and he doesn't have the confidence to lead me. He's impulsive and he can't think straight. He keeps changing his thoughts every 2 weeks and he doesn't deserve my heart.
"Dia tak deserve hati awak yang tetap." -- Atifah
Honestly, he really doesn't deserve my heart. He doesn't deserve this soft spot I have for him.
Faten kata dia sedih baca ayat saya. Dia rasa saya matang, tenang, dan pandai ketepikan ego dan emosi saya. Dia kata dia nampak saya sangaaaaaat lembut when it comes to him. Saya cakap lembut dan baik je dengan dia, something yang lelaki lain tak dapat tengok pun.
Tbh saya sedih juga.
Tapi sekarang saya marah. Saya tak faham kenapa Ali yang tak pernah sibuk sibuk pasal aku sibuk nak kesiankan aku sekarang.
Kawan kau yang reject aku. Kawan kau yang perasaan tu berbolak-balik macam lalang. Kawan kau tu yang impulsive.
Tapi ya lah kawan kau juga yang aku suka dulu (dan sekarang tapi sekarang dah kurang sikit).
Tiba tiba masa tengah tengok kat tab favorites, scroll je lah, ada nama dia. Dia tengah typing as I'm writing this. Daripada pukul 11.14 lagi typing sampai sekarang. Idk dia nak type apa.
Either dia nak kata "let's block each other" or "saya minta maaf" or "saya menyesal" or "tolong jangan buat status yang awak patah hati, nanti kawan kawan awak salahkan saya."
Tah lah.
I can't read him at all.
But my heart is beating fast and I'm trembling a bit, and I hate how my body reacts to him.
It's 11.31 now. He still hasn't sent the text yet, tapi Atifah kata, jangan baik sangat. Okay, noted.
Aida Sabrina, you're a nice person, but don't be soft. Don't. Keep your chin up. Keep your head up high. Don't let tears fall because of him again. You're a woman of honor. You need to have some self-respect. If he decides to send the message, don't reply to him straightaway. Take your time. Take your time to breathe, to take some deeeeeeep breaths and clear your mind.
What he'll text might break you more. At this point, everything related to him will break you more.
So be tough. Have some self-respect and pack your things and go.
You may wanna stay, you may wanna change your mind and take him back, but he's impulsive. He's gonna break you again soon, once he changes his mind in a few days. And next time, it'll hurt a lot more than it does this time.
So, no. Don't be soft.
I know you're secretly hoping for him to feel your presence and change his mind. I know you're eager to know what he's typing for the past 20 mins. But trust me, your shattered heart is already in pieces. You can't let him into your life that easily again.
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
