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Monday, August 10, 2026 | 12:52 AM |
0 AlienOh, my love.
If I could go back to you on that day he left, I wouldn't tell you to stop loving him.
I wouldn't tell you to forget him.
I wouldn't tell you that someone better was waiting around the corner.
Because deep down, I know you.
I know what you didn't say out loud.
You knew.
At the end of the day, underneath all the anger and disappointment and attempts to move on, you still wanted him.
You could imagine other people.
You could tell yourself that eventually you'd meet someone else.
You could try to convince yourself that you would be perfectly happy without him.
But somewhere deep inside, there was always this quiet truth:
“I still want him.”
And you were ashamed of that sometimes.
You wondered if it made you weak.
It didn't.
So if I could hug you now, I would hold you tightly and tell you:
It's okay.
It's okay that you still love him.
It's okay that a part of you still hopes.
It's okay that you don't want to replace him.
You don't have to force yourself to stop feeling something just because the timing isn't right.
But listen to me carefully.
Wanting him does not mean settling for him.
Those are two completely different things.
You were allowed to want him.
And you were also allowed to demand more from him.
You were allowed to say:
If you're going to love me, learn how to communicate with me.
If you're going to be in my life, don't leave me guessing where I stand.
If you're going to choose me, show me.
Learn how I receive love.
Understand what hurts me.
Understand what makes me feel safe.
Don't expect me to carry the emotional weight of this relationship alone.
You didn't need him to become a completely different person.
You needed him to become a more ready version of himself.
And perhaps that is what you couldn't see while you were hurting.
Maybe he wasn't the person you needed then.
That didn't necessarily mean he could never become someone who could love you properly.
He needed time.
He needed growing up.
He needed to understand himself.
He needed to understand you.
He needed to learn how to communicate.
He needed to learn that loving someone isn't just feeling something intensely inside your chest.
Sometimes love is sending the message.
Sometimes it's explaining where you are.
Sometimes it's answering when you can.
Sometimes it's remembering what makes the other person anxious.
Sometimes it's saying, “I'm sorry.”
Sometimes it's changing a behavior because you know it hurts someone you love.
And you?
You needed to learn that you could ask for those things.
You didn't have to make yourself smaller to keep him.
You didn't have to accept whatever version of him was available.
You could say:
“I love you. But I need more.”
And somehow, the story didn't end there.
When the time came, he returned.
But not exactly as the boy who left.
He came back with more understanding.
More intention.
More willingness to talk.
More willingness to explain himself.
More openness.
More readiness to think about a future.
And you weren't standing there as the same girl either.
You had grown.
You had learned what it felt like to lose him.
You had learned what you needed.
You had learned that love alone wasn't enough.
You needed communication.
Consistency.
Reassurance.
Effort.
Emotional availability.
Intentionality.
And instead of saying,
“I'm just grateful he's back, I'll accept anything,”
you learned to say,
“If we're going to do this again, we're going to do it properly.”
That's the part I wish you could see.
You didn't win because he came back.
You didn't win because you eventually got the person you wanted.
You won because you didn't have to abandon your standards to have him.
You could still want him.
You could still love him.
You could still hope for him.
And yet you could say:
“Step up.”
“Communicate with me.”
“Learn me.”
“Love me in the way I can actually feel.”
And maybe that is what growing up together really looks like.
Not finding someone who already knows everything.
But finding someone willing to learn.
Someone willing to listen when you say,
“This is what makes me feel loved.”
Someone willing to adjust.
Someone who doesn't see your needs as an inconvenience.
Someone who understands that your love language isn't a test he has to pass.
It's a map.
A map showing him how to reach you.
And perhaps, in return, you have your own map to learn.
Because love isn't one person demanding that the other become perfect.
It's two people saying:
“Teach me how to love you better.”
So, old me, I want you to stop looking at that night as the night you lost him.
It was the night you stopped accepting a version of love that wasn't enough for you.
And that distinction matters.
Because you didn't spend the time afterward desperately waiting for him to rescue you.
You lived.
You grew.
You became stronger.
You learned yourself.
You kept your heart.
And when he came back, you didn't just open the door and say,
“Thank God you're here.”
You looked at him and, in your own way, said:
“Then show me you're ready.”
And he began to.
That's why I am so proud of you.
Not because you got him back.
But because you never had to give up yourself to have him.
You always wanted him.
And maybe that's okay.
Maybe sometimes the heart knows who it wants long before life is ready to make the relationship work.
But the lesson was never:
“Wait for him.”
The lesson was:
“If it's meant to be him, let him become ready enough to meet you where you are.”
So come here.
Let me hug you.
You don't have to cry anymore.
You don't have to wonder if you will ever be loved.
You don't have to wonder if you made the wrong choice by loving him.
You don't have to be embarrassed that you still wanted him.
You were never foolish for loving him.
You were simply ahead of the timing.
And when the timing finally caught up—
you didn't get the old him.
You got a man who was learning how to choose you more deliberately.
And you became a woman who knew exactly what she needed from the person she chose.
So, my old self,
thank you for waiting without knowing what you were waiting for.
Thank you for loving without becoming bitter.
Thank you for not settling.
Thank you for keeping your standards even when your heart was begging for him.
And most of all—
thank you for believing, somewhere beneath all that heartbreak, that love could come back differently.
Because it did.
And this time,
you knew how to ask it to stay.
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Sunday, August 9, 2026 | 11:52 PM |
0 AlienDear old me,
I want to thank you.
Not the version of you who had everything figured out.
Not the version who was always strong, always confident, always knew what to do.
I want to thank you—the girl who was hurting.
The girl who was left.
The girl who went home carrying a heartbreak nobody else could fully see.
The girl who wondered whether she had somehow been foolish for caring so much.
The girl who asked herself, quietly,
Will I ever find love again?
Thank you for surviving that version of your life.
I know it wasn't easy.
I know there were days when you smiled and carried on because life demanded that you do, even when your heart wanted to stop for a while.
You still went to work.
You still talked to people.
You still laughed.
You still showed up.
And somehow, beneath all that hurt, you didn't become cruel.
That is what I am most proud of.
You could have decided that love was stupid.
You could have decided that men couldn't be trusted.
You could have built walls so high that nobody could ever reach you again.
But you didn't.
You were hurt, but you remained soft.
You were disappointed, but you still believed in something good.
You were left, but you didn't leave yourself.
Thank you for that.
Thank you for all the nights you cried and still woke up the next morning.
Thank you for every time you wanted to reach out but stopped yourself.
Thank you for every time you chose dignity even when your heart wanted answers.
Thank you for learning how to sit with uncertainty.
Thank you for learning that someone's decision to leave isn't a measurement of your worth.
And thank you for loving anyway.
Because I know there were moments when you thought you wouldn't.
You probably thought that maybe you had already met the person who would matter most.
Maybe you wondered whether you had missed your chance.
Maybe part of you was afraid that the best love you would ever have had already happened.
You couldn't see what was coming.
And I'm glad you couldn't.
Because if you had known, perhaps you wouldn't have learned everything you needed to learn first.
You needed to become her.
The woman who knows what heartbreak feels like.
The woman who knows the difference between wanting someone and being chosen by someone.
The woman who knows that love shouldn't require her to beg for her place.
The woman who can appreciate reassurance because she knows what its absence feels like.
The woman who understands that the little things matter.
And look at you now.
You call someone sayang without being terrified of the word.
You receive sayang back.
Sometimes you even receive sayangku.
You tell someone where you're going.
Someone tells you when he's going to sleep.
Someone asks whether your resus was okay.
Someone gets jealous.
Someone worries about you.
Someone says,
“Saya sayangg awak jugak.”
And perhaps the most beautiful thing is that you can finally say:
“Saya sayang awak.”
You couldn't have imagined that when you were sitting in the aftermath of heartbreak.
You couldn't have imagined that the same heart you thought was ruined would one day feel this warm again.
But here's what I want you to understand:
Your happy ending isn't beautiful because someone came back.
It is beautiful because you survived long enough to become someone capable of receiving love without forgetting your own worth.
You did that.
Not him.
You.
He may be part of this chapter.
But you are the reason the story continued.
You are the one who picked yourself up.
You are the one who kept going.
You are the one who learned.
You are the one who remained gentle.
And you are the one who eventually opened your heart again.
So thank you, old me.
Thank you for not giving up.
Thank you for not turning your heartbreak into bitterness.
Thank you for not deciding that because one person couldn't love you the way you needed, nobody ever would.
Thank you for continuing to believe that there was something beautiful waiting for you.
Even when you couldn't see it.
Even when you were convinced there wasn't.
Even when you were lying awake wondering whether love would ever come back to you.
It did.
Maybe not in the way you imagined.
Maybe not on the timeline you wanted.
But it came.
And now you're living inside moments that the old you would have cried just to know were possible.
You're being called sayang.
You're saying it back.
You're making plans.
You're being worried about.
You're being chosen.
You're learning what it feels like when affection becomes ordinary instead of something you have to chase.
And sometimes, when I look at you now, I want to reach backward through time and hug that old girl.
I want to tell her:
You have no idea how proud I am of you.
You have no idea how much life is still waiting for you.
You have no idea how many ordinary, beautiful days are coming.
And most importantly:
Please don't hate the version of you who loved him.
She wasn't stupid.
She wasn't weak.
She wasn't pathetic.
She was brave enough to love someone with her whole heart.
And when that love hurt her, she was brave enough to keep living.
That is strength.
So thank you.
For every tear.
Every lonely night.
Every prayer.
Every morning you got up anyway.
Every time you chose yourself.
Every time you kept your heart soft.
Every time you believed, even just a little, that something better might exist.
I am here because you survived.
And whatever happens from here, I will never forget that.
Because before I became the woman who could receive love again,
you were the girl who taught me not to give up on it.
With all the love you deserved back then,
Me.
________________________________________________________________________________________
8 August 2026
Tonight was one of those nights I know I want to remember.
Not because we did anything extraordinary. We didn't go anywhere fancy. We didn't do anything particularly grand. We simply spent four hours together, from 5pm until 9pm, before he had to leave for his 10pm locum.
But somehow, four ordinary hours felt like something I want to keep forever.
We started at a café and ate together. Somewhere along the way, he started showing me his old Instagram stories—random pictures from different parts of his life—and telling me the stories behind them.
I loved that.
There was something intimate about being shown his past like that. Not the polished version of himself, but random memories, old pictures, little stories that probably didn't mean much to anyone else. I was just sitting there listening to him talk, slowly learning more about the person he was before I came into his life.
Then, somehow, he gave me his phone password.
Just casually.
He said he didn't want to memorize mine, which made me laugh, but I still found it strangely sweet. He didn't have to give me his password. He just did.
Later, he went to the masjid to pray Maghrib, and after that we went for cakes.
And because apparently I cannot spend an evening with him without bringing up something that makes me overthink, I asked him about his first love.
"So first love awak tu ex awak dulu lah kan?"
He paused.
"Boleh lah."
Then, at some point, he looked at me and said that when he thought about it, I reminded him of his ex.
Because I was small.
I immediately made a face.
Of course I did.
And he quickly added,
"Tak, saya sayang awak je. Cuma taste saya kot, kecil-kecil."
I don't think he realized how quickly that little reassurance softened me.
He wasn't comparing his feelings for me to his feelings for her. He was talking about his type, and then making sure I knew that whatever similarities existed, I was the one he loved now.
Somewhere during the evening, he said "sayang."
And I told him,
"Awak tak cakap pun sayang kat saya."
He looked confused.
"Eh ada lah."
"Tu text, bukan cakap."
And he went,
"Oh okay."
I didn't think much of it after that.
But when it was time to leave, around 9pm, he looked at me and said,
"Sayang, jom."
I think a tiny part of me froze.
Because there it was.
He actually said it.
Out loud.
Not in a WhatsApp message. Not typed on a screen. Not something I could reread later.
He called me sayang in his own voice.
And somehow, the girl who had been waiting to hear it for so long was too shy to say it back properly.
He wanted to pay for the cakes, but I insisted because I was the one who wanted them. He had already paid for our first café anyway, so I let myself win that tiny argument.
Then he walked me to my car.
And just when I thought the night was over, he said,
"Patients kan suka awak."
I laughed and said,
"Eh mana ada."
I turned toward him.
And he said,
"Saya lah suka awak."
We both chuckled.
It was such a simple sentence.
But I think I'll remember the way he said it.
Not dramatic. Not serious. Just teasing me, while somehow telling me exactly what I wanted to hear.
Then he said,
"Bye sayang."
And I said,
"Bye."
That's it.
I didn't even say sayang back.
I don't know why I couldn't.
Maybe I was shy.
Maybe hearing him say it face-to-face made it feel different from all the times we'd typed it to each other.
Maybe I was just overwhelmed by how much I liked hearing it.
But I hope he knows that my quiet "bye" didn't mean I didn't feel it.
I felt it very much.
---
Later that night, I texted him:
"Thank you for today sayang 🩵 kerja elok elok, semoga sejuk je boleh tidurrr."
And he replied:
"Thank you sayanggku aidaa."
Then he noticed my WhatsApp status.
I'd soft-launched him.
Nothing obvious. Just a collage of his hands, his birthday cake, and our feet together.
Enough for the people who know us to probably figure it out.
He said,
"Saya rasa semua orang tahu sapa laki tu🤣"
I played it off.
"Ye ye je."
But he insisted.
"Siapa duduk ED mesti tahu."
And then:
"Tak kisah pun."
I don't think I'll forget that either.
Because there was a time when everything between us felt undefined.
We were figuring out what we were. We were careful with words. We were learning how to love each other without quite knowing what to call it.
And tonight, the man in my status knew people might recognize him—and he simply said he didn't mind.
He wasn't hiding.
He wasn't embarrassed.
He just laughed about it.
Later, at 12:04am, he sent me another message.
"Comell."
He was talking about the pictures of me that he'd sent.
I teased him:
"Muka camtu comel eh haha ikutlah taste awak."
And I smiled at my phone.
Because apparently, after spending four hours with me, after saying goodbye, after going to work his locum, he was still looking at my pictures.
Still calling me cute.
---
But there was another conversation tonight that I think I'll remember for a completely different reason.
We were talking about roles.
And he said something that stayed with me:
"Awak isteri saya kan, so awak marah ke awak rajin ke awak malas ke, awak still isteri saya. Role saya sebagai suami, still kena buat sebab awak isteri saya, saya suami."
Maybe other people would hear that as just a conversation about marriage.
But I heard something else.
I heard him saying that someone's worth in a relationship shouldn't depend on whether they're having a good day.
That being a husband isn't something you perform only when your wife is easy to love.
If she's angry, she's still his wife.
If she's lazy, she's still his wife.
If she's difficult, she's still his wife.
His role doesn't disappear just because her mood changes.
And I think there's something incredibly comforting about that.
Because I don't want to be loved only when I'm easy.
I don't want to have to be perfect to deserve tenderness.
And tonight, he spoke about marriage as something rooted in responsibility—not just feelings.
Maybe that's what makes all the little "sayang"s feel different now.
They aren't floating in isolation.
They're sitting alongside conversations about marriage, roles, responsibility, family, and the future.
---
Tonight wasn't perfect.
It wasn't a movie scene.
We didn't have some grand romantic dinner under fairy lights.
We ate.
We talked.
He showed me old Instagram stories.
He went to pray Maghrib.
We ate cake.
We teased each other about exes and height and taste.
He called me sayang.
He told me he liked me.
He walked me to my car.
He called me sayang again.
Then he went to work.
And somehow, that ordinary night feels incredibly precious to me.
Maybe because love isn't always supposed to feel like fireworks.
Sometimes it's someone sitting across from you in a café, telling you stories about old pictures.
Sometimes it's being trusted with a phone password.
Sometimes it's a quiet reassurance after you make a face.
Sometimes it's hearing "sayang, jom" when you know he has somewhere else to be.
Sometimes it's walking you to your car.
Sometimes it's a silly little,
"Saya lah suka awak."
Sometimes it's a man looking at your picture at midnight and typing,
"Comell."
And sometimes it's realizing that the person who once struggled to even type the word sayang is now saying it to you out loud without making a big deal out of it.
I think that's what I want to remember most about tonight.
Not just that he called me sayang.
But that it sounded natural.
Like he was slowly getting used to loving me where I could hear it.
And maybe, someday, when we're much older and this night is far behind us, I'll look back at these words and remember that on 8 August 2026, before everything became familiar and routine, there was a night when four ordinary hours with him felt like something I wanted to preserve forever.
A night when he walked me to my car.
A night when he said,
"Saya lah suka awak."
A night when he said,
"Bye sayang."
And a night when I was too shy to say it back.
But loved him anyway.
---------
Written by chatgpt bcs i tak larat nak type
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Monday, July 13, 2026 | 1:52 PM |
0 Alien I have a lot to tell that idk how to start.
Okay, lemme start by telling you the dynamic of me and daus first.
Right now, it's going great between us. He updates me his daily life, I update him about my day. Sometimes I initiate the conversation, and sometimes he starts texting me first. I've learned that it's okay if I keep initiating the conversations, because I'm an ENFP. I'm random. I have a lot of thoughts in my mind, and I want to share them with him. He'd always engage in my thoughts no matter how random they are, and I really appreciate it.
He always notices the little things I did. He noticed I started becoming more of myself during our recent meet-up. He noticed i duduk bersila masa awal awal that he was like "uish lain macam". He noticed I was not okay. He notices a lot of things that I honestly can't really mention because those are subtle but he notices and he remembers.
He'd prefer calls rather than texts when it comes to deciding our future (read: family, planned meeting with parents). InsyaAllah he'll be meeting by parents this 25th July. I just need to find the perfect time to tell my parents.
The thing about him is that he's too respectful. He texted Atifah and asked her to let me go out with him to talk about the meeting. Her response was not satisfactory. She was like, "kalau aku tak bagi pun kau keluar jugak kan dengan dia berdua? Aku bukan mak dia, kalau mak dia bagi, siapalah aku nak halang." In a way, I feel like there's a hint of judgemental in the tone. In a way, I rasa macam while dia memang judge daus, dia judge me as well. He told her first that he was planning to meet my parents. Idk i don't really like the fact that he tells her first.
If only he pours the same efforts into my mom as well.
Do the same thing.
Ask her whenever he wants to bring me out.
I hope he does that.
And then Atifah told me, "awak tak berfikir when it comes to him."
I find that hurtful.
At first, I accepted it. Sure, I wasn't thinking.
But I think about it, again and again. I reflect on it. And now I've come to the conclusion that:
I do, in fact, consider a lot of things when it comes to him.
First, I considered my feelings. I weighed the pros and cons of accepting him back into my life. And I've decided that I'm fonder of the pros, so I let him into my life again. I gave him a second chance, and he hasn't fucked it up yet. Instead, he seems like a changed man. He seems more mature, more 'actions than talk'. He seems more serious. He seems more future-oriented while regretting the past.
Then, I considered our values. Our boundaries -- less communication with the opposite sex, less selfies, modesty in clothing. Sure, these are mostly from him. But because he has already taken care of himself. He's reserved, and I'm not jealous of other girls, because there's no other girls. Our families -- the difference in our upbringing, the culture, the possibilities of being accepted/rejected in the family. Our future -- where we're gonna work, live, how many children we want, what if we can't have one. Our differences -- he's more of a "think first, talk later" kind of person, while I'm the kind of "talk first, think while talking or after." He processes things inward, while I do it outward. But he's becoming more transparent with me, and I honestly appreciate it a lot.
So, no, I'm not the kind of person who doesn't think when it comes to him.
I think. I reflect. And my conclusion is the same:
I still want him in my life.
Honestly, the fact that he couldn't wait any longer is quite cute. At first, I gave him a deadline: September, before I finish my HOship. Then recently he was thinking of August. And then, more recently, he wanted to meet my parents in July.
We often voice call nowadays. He'd always ask if he can call me. Tapi paling recent was this morning, and he heard my deep raspy morning voice T_T I told him "awak cakap je lah, saya tak nak cakap, suara saya macam ni." Lepastu he was like, "kenapa? awak sore throat ke?" Then I said, "tak, saya baru bangun tidur. Suara saya macam ni, tak sedap." Then I could hear him smiling from the other side of the line as he said, "seronok juga dengar suara awak macam ni. Saya suka."
The thing is, it's deep and raspy. And I'm honestly scared if he has a different thought. But I trust him.
Pagi tadi, he texted me multiple times cerita pasal patient pregnant USOD, VE 8 cm, then os fully. He sounded so excited telling me. I just noticed that the messages have gap, meaning that he attended the pt then at the same time he texted me as well. So kyoot my baby. Really appreciate it.
Okay, good night.
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Friday, June 19, 2026 | 3:39 PM |
0 Alien He's back back.
Like back into my life.
Not that he was out of my life back then, but yeah, he kinda was.
I mean, 6 months without any contact? Yup, that man was physically away from my life. But mentally, in my heart, he was not.
You know how much efforts I made to make myself believe that I'm doing fine. To believe that I'm making some sort of progress in my life, to believe that I'm moving on from him.
6 months, and he came back, and I acted as if those 6 months were nothing.
Even Atifah said so.
But in my defense, I learned a lot about myself.
- 1. I'm kind
I'm kind kind bcs wdym I only wished him well when he broke my heart into pieces? Wdym I congratulated him for being an MO and even offered the information that one of the main reasons I liked him back then was bcs of his work ethics?
Crazy.
And when I think about it again today, it was just because I'm kind.
I often overlooked the fact that I'm kind. But Asma' used to say that to me. She said her mom said she had to look after me bcs I'm always so kind to people. "Aida baik sangat." Mak dia kata macam tu.
- 2. I love with all my heart
Which made me kinda stupid, if you were to ask me. I won't lie to myself and say I don't love him. I can't lie to myself and say that the feelings are gone, bcs they are pretty much still there.
- 3. I'm soft-hearted when it comes to the people I love
Instead of being mad at him, I gave him a chance. I took him back. I allowed him into my life as if nothing happened.
Atifah was so mad at me.
I was mad at myself as well.
But I knew I needed this. I knew I would torture my future self with what ifs if I didn't give him a chance. I knew I would be guessing all the possibilities that could happen if I didn't give him the opportunity to redeem himself.
In fact, this was his first time coming back after messing up.
I knew Atifah said this is the second time, but to be honest, this is only the first time.
The other one Atifah mentioned didn't count— bcs earlier, he rejected me because he didn't wanna give me false hopes. And when he came back, he was considering things, even if he didn't think things through. He was scared of how real everything was, and he withdrew.
But now he's back, and I hope it's for the better.
If not, then I guess it's to teach me to never love a guy that much anymore.
But rather than being so excited about him, I put my guards up a little bit. I allow him to make actions. I allow him to act like he wants me. I allow him to gather the courage and court me.
This time, he keeps mentioning about how he's scared about the next step, but he knows he needs to do it anyway. He knows he needs to meet my parents before I finish HOship.
And honestly?
If he doesn't, then that's it. No more chance.
That's the deadline I'm giving him.
Because meeting parents doesn't mean you're getting married right away. But it's an important step in a relationship; to show that you're serious.
He's wasted 6 months. I can't let him keep wasting my time. So if he's still scared and refuses to meet my parents by September this year, then it's the end of waiting.
I gotta make up my mind and go.
I gotta be the first one to leave, just as usual.
And maybe, just maybe, it won't be as painful as it was back then.
But I truly hope that's not the case.
I hope he's serious now. I hope he's ready. I hope that even if he's scared, he'll make the step anyway, because he wants me in his life. Because the need to have me is bigger than his fear.
I hope so.
This time, he does seem certain. He keeps repeating things that show me that he's serious about me. He opens up to me. He talks about his concerns, he talks about his family, he talks about his day, and he includes me in his thought processes.
Honestly, that's growth.
And I'm proud of him.
I'm scared, tbh. You alrd know how hard it is for me to move on, but now I'm making his foolish decision to let him back into my heart.
But I'm certain I want him.
And I hope he's certain that he wants to stay in my life.
Let's hope for the best, shall we?
If anything, I'm proud of you, Sabrina.
I met him face to face the other day, before it all happened. I met him on a random thursday evening to seek for answers to the questions I need to know. I gathered my courage to meet him. I faced the awkward situation. I didn't break down.
Honestly, I almost broke down.
When he said he thought he probably wouldn't get married until he's 30ish, where his father would probably find him someone and force him to marry her. I smiled and looked away, because it pained me to imagine that I probably am seeing the version of him that would never be ready for marriage, while the girl, the other person, might meet him at a point where he's finally ready to settle down. Idk the thought was just painful.
But somewhere, along the lines, I gathered the courage and asked him, "do you think i akan suka sesiapa je ke? Like I'd see a random guy on the street and I'd like him?"
He said no.
And I said the most vulnerable thing, "Saya memilih kawan. Kawan saya tak ramai sebab saya pilih kawan kawan saya. But in a sense, saya pilih awak."
There was a moment of silence before he nodded and said, "saya pilih awak juga." He repeated it a few times within a few sentences.
Then he said, saya tahu saya nak apa cuma saya tak tahu nak buat macam mana. I asked, awak nak apa?
He answered, "saya nak awak. Saya pilih awak."
Haih
The blatant truth caught me off guard.
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Update: 6/7/26
It's almost 1 month since we started talking again. Around 3 weeks alrd.
If I were being honest, this was about the time back then when he suddenly changed and decided to put a stop between us.
These past few days, I have been initiating the conversations.
Around last week, he would text me first and tell me how his shift was. But nowadays he doesn't do that anymore? I mean-- yeah, he just did last night, but I started the conversation first.
Now he got me thinking, what if I stop initiating the conversation altogether?
Will there be anything between us?
He's postcall today and will oncall tonight. But it makes no sense how he doesn't give me the same energy.
Maybe I'm just being emotional.
Me: Saya baru siap clerk 1 pt mva, sb fawwaz tapi member tak tengok pt pun lagi, efast pun belum buat tapi member busy clerking juga sobs yellow pecah sangat sangat 😞 Dr engku arif bising bising pasal tak follow dia round (tapi saya tbh penat dan annoyed sebab baru je round dengan dr tinesh), tapi nasib baik dr afiq datang dan kata nak round the other side, so terselamat lah daripada dengar dia bebel bebel 🫠 cuma dr afiq tanya banyak soalan knowledge untuk saya yang otak dah fried, takleh brain zz tapi saya suka round dengan dr afiq sebab rasa macam belajar sikit, walaupun orang kata dia gatal sebab dia memang asyik tanya perempuan je
Him: Maybe, tapi jangan cakap macam tu wakk. Perkataan ‘gatal’ tu melebih. Dr Afiq suka mengajar, and sebab dia lelaki, banyak dia tanya perempuan. Takde la lebih2, so jangan cakap.
Me: Okay wak.
Then I wrote:
Me: Saya tbh happy sikit dapat tengok awak sikit sikit tadi, tak lah sakit hati sangat dengan ubai sebab bila sakit hati je nampak awak
Him: *sticker*
I don't like the reply.
I don't like being vulnerable and not getting the same heartfelt message. I don't like putting my guard down only for him to reply me with a sticker.
It makes me think that the end will come soon. It makes me think that the cycle will happen again. Because the last time, I wrote, "you make me wanna tolerate things." That was more than "I love you" to me. But he ended up cutting ties with me on the same night :')
I won't lie if I say it doesn't hurt.
In fact, my heart stings a bit more as I'm typing this.
I know I shouldn't let the past haunt me, especially since I was the one who allowed him to enter my life again. I chose this. And it's unfair for me to keep holding onto the past, esp since he seems like he's a changed man.
But is he, really, changed?
Or is the like all the other men who only like the chase?
Am I being a bit too easy for me because he didn't have to prove anything to me?
I mean, sure, he told his parents. He discussed things with his parents.
But his dad told him not to rush things.
And when I hypothetically asked him, "what if your parents don't like me?" Then he paused and said, "berkat keluarga tu penting." He paused again and said, "but I'm Muhammad Firdaus, and my voice has a value in the family. I think they'll listen to me."
Anyway, I've sent him a message a few hours ago. He hasn't replied yet despite daripada single tick tu dah jadi double tick for a few hours dah. I sent his a link to youtube video about nouman ali khan talking about finding peace in marriage. Maybe he didn't want it as much as I want.
Okay whatever.
If he wants me then he gotta work for me.
I'll stop initiating the conversation starting tomorrow.
I guess I'll be back later, not sure with good or bad news. Hopefully with good news.
Idk.
I'm giving him a chance because I don't wanna torture my future self with 'what ifs'.
Okay goodbye.
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Sunday, June 7, 2026 | 10:51 PM |
0 Alien I attended Mijah's wedding yesterday.
But I couldn't help but to wonder if I'll ever have a wedding of my own.
I couldn't help but to wonder if I'll ever see myself in a wedding dress, smiling like I'm the happiest person alive, being married to the love of my life.
I couldn't help but to wonder if I'll walk down the aisle, hand-in-hand with my soulmate who's probably happy he's married to a woman like me.
Honestly, I can't really see the picture yet.
I can't really see myself being a bride-- but I really wish I can be a bride.
I wish to marry someone in the future.
It has been a long long long journey for me to find my soulmate, but I do wish that the journey comes to an end soon. I wish to meet my husband soon.
Call me a hopeless romantic, it's okay.
Idk haha I hope the time will come somehow.
Anyway, I'm buying a car!
It's X50 premium in emerald green <3
Big girl with a big commitment now <3
It's gonna be a car that I'll use for 20 to 30 years from now, so I'm buying a good one straightaway. It's a good family car, so it's all settled.
Hey future kid, your mummy is using a big car for a smol-sized woman hehe hope you're proud of me!
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Saturday, May 23, 2026 | 3:01 PM |
0 Alien I texted him first.
Our mutual friend, Yap, changed his profile picture to his old profile picture. I happened to refer Yap a few times that day, and with Yap's new dp, it stirred something in me. Some kind of nostalgia. Some emotional connection.
So I texted him first at 9pm.
"Yap baru tukar dp jadi dp awak yang lama. Terkejut saya haha lol ok tu je."
He didn't reply that night.
But he replied at 4-ish am the next day.
Our conversation was short and slightly awkward. But he still wrote awak-saya with me, which was quite of a relief. I'm honestly would be so sad if he uses kau-aku with me after everything.
After all, I was the person who opened his heart and made his consider marriage at a point in his life.
Well, now he's texting me. Right now.
He's asking for a favor, but idk what. Am still waiting for him to reply.
Update:
He told me to marah him :') Dahlah memaksa haha menekan nekan member suruh kita marah dia :')
Tak tahulah wak, saya tak marah awak sangat pun.
Saya disappointed je dengan awak, tu je. Sedih, sebab saya bodoh when it comes to love. I followed my own nafs and it led me to this heartbreak. I handed you my heart with the thought that you'd keep it safe, only for you to crush it in your own hands and mouth an apology months later.
It's been 5 months. It's honestly a bit too late to tell me that you're not okay, that you're feeling guilty about the whole thing. But that's just it, you know. You're just feeling guilty. Whatever you've experienced -- the inability to function well, the vomiting after overindulging -- those are the consequences of the choices that YOU made. You've made those choices, and you had to pay for them, so you should know better.
So why are you coming back, knocking on my peaceful door after five whole months, just to say that you're feeling guilty and that you were not okay?
You know it's wrong for you to text me, but you did it anyway. You were being selfish. You texted me seeking for comfort and being the foolish person I am, I let you. Intentionally. I allowed you to seek comfort from me. I reassured you that I was fine.
But I'm not, Firdaus.
I'm not fine.
You keep running in my mind the moment I wake up till I sleep. You keep appearing in my thoughts whenever my brain has some time to wander around. You make me a hopeless romantic in despair and I am still, stupidly, in love with you. I know deep inside me that there are a few hopeful voices praying for you to come back.
But I don't want you to come back after everything you've put me through.
You don't deserve to come back.
You don't deserve my love after everything you've done to me.
You're a coward, and you'll always be a coward. You're emotionally incapable of loving me. You're emotionally incapable of meeting me in the middle. You refused to meet me in the middle, intentionally. So no matter how much my stupid heart longs for you, I know rationally that you don't deserve me.
I deserve better.
I deserve someone who puts me first.
I deserve someone who chooses me intentionally.
I deserve someone who will work his way to keep me in his life, not someone who will run away when things are feeling off.
And because of that, I'm choosing myself now. I'm letting you go.
PAST ♥
Angel of Blue Diamond Saturn!
